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“Who the fuck be saying that?”
“Right,” I chimed in behind Nesha’s inquiry.
“See there y’all go. That’s how you got in this situation.” I saw how quickly Nesha’s eyes cut away. She was there too when it all went down, but I wasn’t allowing her to go down with me. Not this time. She had altered her life enough, and as her big sister, the least I could do was takethisone on my lonesome. Satisa felt the energy shift and tried to jump back in. “Next time, no matter what a bitch says, don’t throw the first punch, and it will just be self-defense. It’s only one more week, and the kids can’t be that bad.”
“Yes the hell they are!”
“Anyway!” Nesha stood in grand fashion crossing the room to grab the Sangria that we had chilling on the table. It looked more like a romantic setup than a girl's night. I couldn’t help it. I was a collector of fancy things. Dancing had afforded me a lot. This beautiful condo and all the relics inside. When my girls saw the Champagne holder chilled with ice, the fancy wine glasses, and the scented candles arranged across the beautiful centerpiece table they didn’t say anything. They knew that’s just how I was. I just had a knack for making things beautiful. Always had.
“You ready for this baby shower this weekend? Then we gotta get Benji together next week too” Nesha asked Satisa.
“More like ready to have this baby. I feel big as a house.” Her statement zipped my eyes to her protruding belly. Satisa was tiny. Don’t get me wrong, my girl packed a body, but she wasotherwise considered slim and thick. Not like the country ass and wide hips my sister and I toted. Now, you could see her belly coming from the back or the front.
“Only a few more weeks. You are almost there,” Nesha chimed in.
“Dammit! This is what I’m talking about. I have to pee again.” Satisa tsked and scurried down my long hall. Nesha looked my way, and I deliberately avoided her gaze.
“You okay, sis’?” she whispered cautiously.
“I’m fine,” I replied quickly and ran away to busy myself in the kitchen refilling my wine glass. There was no time, and I had no interest in going there.
“I can’t wait for next weekend. Benji party gone be lit!” Nesha spoke as I settled back onto the couch, seeing that Satisa had returned.
“Do you realize you're talking about a thirteen-year-olds party, Nesha?” I asked, looking at Nesha like she had lost it.
“And what that mean? You know how it is with us. The kid's party just turns into an adult party once the kids go down. I been ready to run a good spades game with some drinks.” She quickly took a sip to cover her tracks. My sister was a horrible liar, and I wondered what she had up her sleeve. She changed the subject. “Chaz really been on his shit lately.”
“Well, that’s good. Lesha Prince is coming,” Satisa said, trying to play natural.
“I’m not sure what that means.” I flipped my hand.
“Umm hmm.” Satisa batted her eyelashes, and I rolled my eyes. Thanks to Nesha’s big mouth everyone thought Prince and I had something going on. It was just one kiss. A kiss that I lied about not being a willing participant in, but that was almostseven months ago. If a man wanted something he would say so. I spoke to him one other time at the wedding, and if he wasn’t worried about it, why would I? It was a drunken night and a harmless flirtation between two attractive people. Since then I hadn’t seen him around anywhere so in my mind his choice was clear.
“I'm actually thinking about doing something with Devin that weekend—after the party, of course. You know I’m going to be there for my baby.”
“What?” Nesha was the first to speak. I closed my eyes and readied myself.
“What the hell do you mean, Devin? Devin that’s been with that other bitch that he’s been parading all over IG?”
“Look I told you. You can’t believe everything you see. And what the fuck does it matter? It’s not like I’m stopping my life thinking he's some faithful nigga I can count on. Devin and I both know what we have.” The excuse sounded just as flimsy coming out of my mouth as it did coming out of his.
“You some type of damn fool! What the hell Lesha? You that fucking desperate?” Nesha dug in.
“Fuck you talking about desperate when you running behind a nigga that cheat on yo ass every day with all types of bitches. At least I’m still out here trying while you little Ms. Faithful get mad. You really think Chaz is faithful?”
“Whoa! Now wait a minute!” Satisa stepped between us and I didn’t even realize the moment when we started standing toe to toe. “Y’all are sisters. Family. If anything is the problem it’s the men that y’all dealing with that don’t deserve you. You are beautiful, Lesha, and there is no way you deserve to be dealing with a man that is with someone else. And Nesha if Chaz isn’t doing what he needs to do, drop his ass, too. So stop thefighting. I love you two and y’all will find someone perfect for you.”
“That doesn’t happen for everybody,” Nesha added and plopped on the couch.
“Look I’m over it. I’m going to bed.” I wasn’t, but I had to get out of the room. Nesha had always been the type to speak her mind, and that was the reason I didn’t say anything sooner. It was no surprise how she would feel because she hated Devin ever since we moved away from home. She had her reasons, but he was just a soul tie for me. He was the only man who knew me before I traveled down this path, and letting him go meant letting go of a piece of my innocence. The only piece I had left. We had our bouts, and even earlier on I chose differently. We found our way back but, I wasn’t stopping my life for him. After he dropped the bombshell of the baby on me his visits had become less frequent. I dated other men. At least I tried to, but nothing had ever worked out in my favor, and I found myself always migrating back to him. I was tired of trying to jigsaw these niggas together when not one of them had shown they could meet all my needs. Devin would at least keep my body count low.
I went to my master bathroom and turned on the shower hoping to wash away my stressful ass day. Even standing in steaming hot water didn’t blanch my thoughts. After I finished, I pulled a towel, wrapped my body, and cleaned off the fog in the mirror. I looked around at embroidered fluffy towels and played with my Persian rug between my toes. Everything around me was supposed to bring me comfort but didn’t. It was so much I was running from, and every day, it felt like I was getting buried. What was next for me? I looked at my reflection, knowing that my past and an uncertain future were stifling the beauty I had. That’s why Devin was someone I had so much trouble letting go.Getting involved with someone new meant rehearsing the same tragic story over and over. I didn’t have the stomach for it.
Don’t do it.
I refused my inner voice and reached for my phone. I started scrolling through Instagram, looking at all the photos Devin had with the mother of his child. He was supposed to come out this weekend, but somehow, they moved the baby shower up to this weekend, so he had to cancel. How convenient. He kept telling me it was only for a show. These pictures didn’t look fake to me, and the baby in her stomach certainly didn’t.
“Sis’,” Nesha came in timidly. I don’t know what it was about seeing my sister. I could put on a strong face and pretend nothing bothered me with anyone else. With her, she blasted through all of that. She took a few strides toward me and I collapsed in her arms.
