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I grabbed a water bottle, opened it, and tilted it up.
3:17.
I had a six-a.m. wake up time, and at this point, I may as well get a workout in, shower, and take my ass to work. Lately, I woke up searching. For what? Only God knew. I drove the demons away that I created, and now the ones that I was running from were on my ass like a damn supervisor. Memories fought against new realities of love I mourned that I never should have held in the first place. I had to face this shit, and it was one of the hardest mountains I had to climb. I knew too well the feeling of that mountain being on top of me. So this was the hard I was choosing. I had to conquer the things in front ofme. Myself, mainly. Whether it was lack or abundance, I had to handle it. I kept it moving all day, so I didn’t have to think, but my mind was showing me that no matter what, I had to give credence to what held me hostage. Even if it was in the middle of the night.
“What are you doing up so late?” Alexis’s soft voice could be heard over my back. I tipped the water back up and finished it before I responded.
“Couldn’t sleep.” I turned, and my eyes swept over her body. Her mocha skin was exposed entirely as she flaunted the perfect birthday suit. A smile pressed on her lips as she stepped forward. She was beautiful.
“I thought after round two you would’ve been knocked out like me. If it weren’t for my internal alarm, I would’ve been sleeping, too.”
“Go back to bed. Get some rest.”
“Is everything okay, Prince?”
“I’m fine.” I wasn’t getting into the conversation. Not right now. I felt my nerves start to rise, and I wasn’t going to bridle my thoughts quickly enough before they escaped my lips. It wasn’t her fault I didn’t want anyone in my presence while I worked through my shit. I put her ass through the mattress, and lately, instead of going home like she always did, she opted to stay nights. I had more respect than to kick a woman out I just laid with. Plus, Alexis was a good woman. She just wasn’t my woman, and she never would be. What started as something that we both agreed should’ve been casual was getting blurred. For one, I’d never been that type for casual shit. I thought somehow playing by a different set of rules for once would keep me safe. It did, but I craved what I missed while breaking my fucking neck to run from it.
“It just seems like you are so distant. I really like you, Prince, if you haven’t noticed. I just want to know that I’m not wasting my time here.” Her brown eyes looked into mine. Her Amazon frame of 5’8 and not shying away from heels, even at her highest height, she still fell below my 6’4 stature. I closed my eyes briefly. She was a woman. Delicate and soft. Emotional, and no matter how much of an asshole I could be, she didn’t deserve that from me because she was trying. I was just so fucking numb. No, I was choosing numbness over feelings. A deliberate choice because if being moved was what I wanted, I could go to the last place that stirred me. The last time a simple brush of the lips made me want to build a fucking house in the middle of the night. Feelings got me fucked, and my wounds were too fresh to risk.
“Prince,” she whispered my name again, and her soft hand landed on mine.
“I would love to tell you all the right words, Lex. I just—"
“Don’t even finish it, Prince. I get it. It can take time to get over some—"
“Aye!” The sharpness of my voice made her jump, and I felt bad instantly. I had no desire to talk about that shit. I had no intention of her even knowing what my scars were. Unfortunately, that came with the territory since she started as my rehab therapist. I should have known better. I needed more after my brother’s wedding. There are so many things a small vacation raises to the surface. I wanted control. I couldn’t spiral. Not again.
“I’ll just go,” she spoke quietly. She sat there momentarily, wanting me to stop her. I didn’t for the both of us. This was over. It never should have started in the first place but vulnerable places led to vulnerable decisions. Months that I’msure would be listed in the regrets category of her mind. Finally, her feet moved in the other direction while I stayed planted. Only when I heard the front door close, and my alarm began to chime, did I begin moving again. I looked at my watch and disabled the alarm so she could move out of the gate securely. I watched her safely turn out of the driveway before I killed the video feedback and walked to my gym.
My home was everything I could imagine. A part of me wanted to shut off the world. I didn’t leave the house much other than to work. Temptation didn’t bother me anywhere like it used to, but I was over meaningless people and conversations. Maybe it was the age that was on my ass. I would be thirty-one soon, and lately, I could get back to what was necessary. I had pulled my world down around me in bouts of grief, but now I was building it back up. Royalty Restoration was beginning to get back to turning a profit and exceeding all my goals for it—six months of dedication and hard work. Still, there was this emptiness that I couldn’t outrun. This longing that I couldn’t keep at bay.
Weights.
I placed the barrels on the bar and sat under them. I was going to push these until I couldn’t think about the things that I couldn’t do anything about or it was time to get my ass to my site. Whichever came first. My phone chimed. I knew who it was, but on the off chance it could have been my brother or sister, I racked the bar to go check. I left my people without my protection long enough. The time I lost myself, I could never get back, but I was working overtime to make it up. They were both grown, and Priest was damn sure capable of taking care of himself. Pria was another story, but as the big brother, it was still my responsibility to tie this family together. Something I’d done since I was a child. I reached for my phone and read the text.
I know you don’t want to talk about the things that happened in your past. You don’t have to but don’t let it take away from your future. Our future. We work together. Just believe that good things will happen. I’d still like to go forward with our plans this weekend. Just let me know.
It wasn’t my brother or sister, but I knew it wouldn’t be. I left Alexis on read. I did that for both of us. She would only try to convince me I was overreacting. I was sure Alexis wasn’t it. I’d been through so much shit, and at this point, I thought going through the motions would suffice. Quickly I found I didn’t want to be next to someone I could live without. The only thing scarier than that was being next to someone I couldn’t. Silence would be my choice, and I just had to find a way to deal with the shit.
I pushed a few more reps, showered and was out of the door on my way to work.
Lesha
3 Months Later
Nope! Nope!
As a matter of fact, HELL NO!
I don’t know how I always found myself in the worst situations, but this was a no-go. See, it wasn’t that I didn’t like kids. Kids were fine. My best friend, Tisa, had two beautiful children; she could drop my babies off with me at any time, and I would have the time of my life. Even after I dropped them off, I longed for a world where I could become a mom. Maybe be able to have my own, but these Andie’s? I had to laugh to keep from crying, thinking of the name my uncle Clark used to call bad kids when I was growing up in the South. He would have been looking around this after-school program and been pissed off. Hell, he may have swung on one of these lil’ muthafuckas. I was only on day twenty of the program, and they had already placed tacks in my seat, switched my damn coffee out with tea, and switched my eyelash glue with Elmers. I rubbed my temples as I sat at the desk looking at the twenty-plus demon ten to twelve-year-olds running through the classroom tearing everything up.
I had plain given up on making them behave. I tried to tell myself that it wasn’t their fault that their parents hadn’t taught them a damn thing. For some of these kids, school andthis after-school program were the only time they ate all day. I understood why programs like these were needed. What I didn’t understand was how the hell this was supposed to help me with my “anger issues.” If I had it my way, I would’ve just done the two weeks in the county. No, that’s a lie. I was way too fucking cute to be in anyone’s jail cell. That’s why I knew I had to make changes. What landed me in this predicament in the first place was popping a chick in the mouth that had been flapping her gums about my sister and I. That was one thing I for sure did not play about, but the scary hoe called the police and got me booked. Now here I was, working an after-school program with all these damn tyrants after agreeing to community service.
Only one more week,I chanted internally through closed lids.
“Oh no, ma’am! Not that one!” I shot out of my seat as soon as I opened my eyes. One of the known bullies in the class closed in on the quietest one. Samantha was the sweetest, but she also didn’t have much. She didn’t have to tell me. It showed from her tattered clothes and her ponytail hairstyle that had many strays. These kids were so different than I was. At ten, I was still rocking beads and braids. Not them. It was a lace-front city here. Queandra was the ringleader too. Her hair was always laid and she had a smart-ass mouth. Couldn’t even wash her ass good, but she had something to say about every other kid in the class. I was old enough to realize it was a defense mechanism, but she was going to have to back up off my Sammy girl. She was the only one of the kids I had bonded with. That may have been because she was the only one who had sense enough to sit the hell down.
“Leave me alone!” Samantha stood from her desk to stand up for herself, and I backed down momentarily. Queandra threwher hands on her little twelve-year-old hips, trying to mimic a grown woman.
