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And my plans would begin to unfold.
6
Aflicker of flame from dying embers held my attention as I rested on my side, Ruslan curled around me. In the dead of night, I remained awake, long after Ruslan had finally drifted off to the land of dreams. Yet the thought of closing my eyes and losing myself to the endless void seized my stomach, and I refused to succumb to the desire for sleep. Too long, I had waded through the endless dark. In Ruslan’s arms, I was safe. The slow rise and fall of his breath brushed steadily against my spine as my thoughts swirled and spiraled.
Because in the quiet, my mindraged.
With no distractions, no one watching me, I had only myself and the memories that continued to haunt me to contend with. So I stared into the reddened wood cocooned by soot-stained stone, reliving the horror of the final moments of my memory prior to my long slumber. I wanted every drop of wrath imbued in my bones so that when the time came, I could draw on my magic and slaughter Kazimir without a second thought.
Because, upon tapping into the white flame and moonlight-wrapped crystal in my chest again, I discovered the light had vanished.
In its place, darkness reigned.
I swallowed a bitter laugh. Queen Immonen had been right – everything did go dark after I broke my bond with Kazimir. Dark, for the comatose state I slept in; dark, for the emotions in my source of magic; dark, for my bloodthirsty thoughts.
Absently, I stroked Ruslan’s arm with a lazy, light touch that contrasted the heaviness and force of my thoughts. What would my mate think if he knew that there was no light left in me?
As the first rays of dawn snuck beneath the heavy curtains blocking the wall-sized windows in front of me, Ruslan stirred. His arms twitched around me, and I finally tore my gaze from the fire to my mate. He blinked slowly, his dark lashes fanning against his skin before those smoky grays sucked me into their depths, unveiling the emotions of his soul. I didn’t need to be an empath to feel the profoundness of his devotion. With a single look, he made me feel as if I were the very sun shining beneath the curtains, the air he needed to breathe, and the water he needed to drink.
He would love me no matter what.
“Morning, sprite,” he murmured, that raspy voice of his sending tingles across my skin. The hand resting on my hip began kneading the muscle there, and I groaned under his touch.
“Morning, mate,” I replied once the movements stopped. I nudged him in a signal to continue, and he obliged, moving his ministrations up my back until his large hand cupped the back of my head.
“I love hearing you say that. I missed the sound of your voice so much,” he whispered, pulling my face to his and sucking my bottom lip into his mouth. “I missed kissing your perfect lips. I missed you being flush against my body like this.” He hooked his leg over mine and pulled me closer to emphasize his point. His hardness dug into my stomach, and I closed my eyes,appreciating the feel of his hot skin against mine, the cedarwood scent that filled my nostrils, and how safe I felt beside his bulk.
My eyes popped open as he moved me to my back, his muscles rippling as he caged me beneath him. My fingers ghosted over his shoulders, then down his torso and over his cut abs until I reached the V that led me to his morning erection. The moan that escaped him was primal and filled with longing when I wrapped my hand around him, savoring the velvety feel of his skin. “It must have been so hard for you to watch the time pass. I had no idea. I only wandered endlessly in the darkness. There was no time – no anything.”
“I told you once that I would die without you, Izidora. That is more true than ever. Should you leave this earth, I will follow you moments later. There is no me without you.” The ferocity in his tone sent goosebumps skittering across my skin, and I shivered as the force of his feelings traveled through our bond.
I opened my mouth to speak, but he shook his head. His eyes swirled with so much emotion, but deeper than the rest was a profound sorrow. “I am so sorry I didn’t protect you, sprite. That I let you wander off on your own. I should have gone with you. I should have doneanythingother than what I did. It is because of me that he hurt you.”
“It’s not your fault. Kazimir made his choices, and you had no way of knowing.”
“Why did you throw that shield in front of me instead of yourself?” Ruslan asked, searching my eyes for the answer. The thought must have plagued him for some time given how desperately he assessed me.
My throat worked as I fought against the rising tide of emotion. “I thought he was going to throw the dagger at you. In the heartbeat of time between Kazimir throwing that knife and creating that shield, I realized that I would die without you tooand that I’d never told you that. Ishouldhave told you that. It was my final thought before everything went dark.”
Ruslan crushed me against his chest, enveloping me in his warmth and cedarwood scent. “I know. I’ve always known, even if you didn’t say it, Izidora. That’s why I tried so hard for you while you were sleeping. I wanted to be worthy of you when you awoke.”
Tears welled in my eyes, and I cupped his cheek, scratching at the hair that coated his strong jaw. “You are so worthy of me, Ruslan. You are so worthy of love.”
His throat worked, and then he exhaled, his whole body seeming to relax with my words. “I still should have done more, and I swear to you I won’t let that happen again. You’ll never leave my sight.”
I shook my head. “You have always empowered me, given me the space and freedom to become strong on my own. Coddling menowis not what I want. You would burn the world down for me, slaughter anyone who dared lay a hand on me. Don’t force me behind a wall out of your own guilt. Let me be free.”
His head dropped, resting in the center of my bare chest. Ruslan trembled as he sucked in a few shaky breaths. “Reconciling the two is difficult sometimes,” he admitted quietly. “Especially as I watched over you all those months. How am I supposed to give you both protection and freedom?”
“By doing what you’ve always done – training me. Pushing me past my limits so they grow. Supporting me on the days my emotions are overwhelming. Being by my side when I need you. Educating me and ensuring I am not reliant on you for everything.” My voice grew stronger as I listed all the ways Ruslan had helped me. “I love you, Ruslan. The reason I returned from the dark is because I knew that all the pain that awaited me here would be worth it, so long as I had you.”
He lifted his head, showing me the redness rimming his eyes. “I am so glad you returned to me. I can’t tell you how many times I debated moving myself to Este Castle to slit Kazimir’s throat while he slept. How many times I’ve bloodied my knuckles trying to ease the ache of your absence. How many bottles I emptied alone to numb the pain. All this time, I tried to hold myself together, to be the male you deserved when you finally woke. I never doubted that you would. I knew you just needed time to heal.”
I ran my fingers from his jaw to his hair and smoothed back the long strands. “I’m so sorry you suffered for so long.”
“And I am sorry you are still suffering,” he whispered.
“I still have more healing to do, I think,” I said. Twin tears tracked down the sides of my face and plopped against the soft sheets.
