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I held the skin out to him, saying nothing.
We regarded each other for a moment before he took it from me, then drank down a hefty measure. I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I respected him a bit more for his heroic actions, though I wished I’d been the ultimate savior. Not that the binding magic in my chest agreed, its desire to strangle our opponent fighting against my own desire to appear calm and collected in front of the other male nobles.
Without another word, I left the wineskin with Ruslan, then found Fek and pulled an apple from my saddlebags. My dependable mount bit into it greedily, then stamped his foot when he was finished as if to say, ‘it’s cold, let’s get the fuck out of here.’ I chuckled and rubbed his nose in agreement. Once the stag was secured to the litter behind two horses, Drazen called for us to mount up and we began the long journey back to Ryza Citadel, shaken but alive.
12
Béke Day Three
The morning was blisteringly cold, but I welcomed the refreshing sting against my face as Zuriel and I rode out of the city. A thick blanket of snow covered everything in the valley that nestled Radence, and even the peaks surrounding us were nothing more than white spears in the sky. Mistik’s back swayed beneath me as we walked at a slow pace in the direction of Roc Palace, and beside me, Zuriel rode Twilight, her black coat shining beneath the winter sun.
“So, cousin, want to tell me why you wanted to go for a ride so early?” Zuriel said finally once we’d left the city behind. Only snow-dusted fences and curling chimney smoke accompanied us now, save for the occasional bleat of a sheep penned in a field.
Fog graced the air in front of me as I blew out a long breath. “I had a breakdown two nights ago.”
“What triggered it?” my cousin asked gently.
My throat thickened, and tears pricked my eyes as I recalled the thoughts and emotions that had sent me into a spiral – that threatened to do so again. “Kazimir told me during the openingball that his father, Kriztof, Zekari, and Kirigin all died the night I was taken from the Night Realm. After he and Ruslan fought and we finally returned to our apartment, I just lost it. I couldn’t hold everything in anymore. I thought when I saw them side by side I would know… and I didn’t. I am more confused than ever before, and the reality of the prophecy set in… It was a lot all at once.”
Unbidden, tears spilled out of my eyes and down my cheeks. I quickly wiped them away with the back of my fur-lined glove.
“What else?” he prodded.
“I’m so on edge right now, like the slightest noise will startle me, and the feeling of being watched and not seeing who is watching me makes it hard to relax,” I continued. “I feel like I’m back in the cave all over again.”
Until those words slipped out, I hadn’t realized that was truly what I was feeling. Another wave of panic washed over me, and I gripped the reins tightly in my hands. Mistik stopped, shifting nervously beneath me as she sensed my rising terror. Zuriel pulled Twilight to a halt, then hopped off the mare and rounded to my side.
Without him needing to say anything, I dismounted, legs trembling beneath me as I leaned into my mare for support. She pushed back into me, giving me her strength. Mistik snorted at Zuriel when she couldn’t turn her head to see me, and with a small smile, he sidestepped and allowed me to wrap my arms around her neck. Burying my nose in her horsey scent grounded me, and I cracked an eye when Zuriel cleared his throat.
My Angel cousin crouched so we were at eye level, his icy blue eyes capturing my own and forcing me to see him and not the darkness crawling from the back of my mind.
“You are still trying to survive,” Zuriel stated, not a hint of doubt leaking through his tone.
“But I’m not,” I protested. “I have food, warmth, power, love… everything I should need to feel safe. But I don’t.”
Zuriel shook his head, his white hair falling from behind his pointed ears. “From the time you left the cave, you were on the run from your pursuers and toward a world you never truly knew. Then you came to the Iron Realm, and you lived in fear of Rares and King Azim and what they wanted to do to you until only a few days ago. That, sweet cousin, is still surviving, whether your basic needs are met or not.”
The Angel blurred before me, and I blinked rapidly, trying to dispel the saltiness from my eyes. “How do I feel safe, Zuriel?” I asked, my voice no more than a whisper. Mistik dipped her head and dug it into my back, then rubbed it up and down as if she were trying to soothe me, too. I released a watery laugh.
“I told you once before that the only way out is through. You must feel it all to let it go. You must feel it and then replace it with something stronger, more powerful. I know Drazen has also told you that you must let go of your emotions while fighting and be fully present with what’s in front of you. Until you can do both of those things, you’ll never truly be free.”
I buried my face in Mistik’s mane again, unable to meet my cousin’s intense gaze any longer. “It hurts so much. I can’t feel it. It will consume me.”
“Izidora, you are stronger than you know. Right now, the pain might seem endless, but I’ve lived for more than two thousand years. Trust me when I say that feelings are not forever.”
Snow crunched beneath Zuriel’s boots as he walked away, and when I opened my eyes, I saw him pulling a familiar-looking necklace from his jacket pocket. The amethyst on the long chain glinted in the sunlight, and without thought, I reached out for it.
“I found this in the training room after Ruslan moved you both away from there after his altercation with King Azim. I think it’s time you put it on again,” Zuriel said quietly.
“There’s more?” I asked, hope filling my chest with butterflies. Seeing my mother again with the Goddess and my father hadn’t been enough, and I’d promise the Goddess I’d choose immediately if she’d let me embrace my parents one more time.
“No,” he sighed, looking older than his millenia of life. “But with your level of distress, I thought you might find comfort in it.”
I wrapped my palm around the stone, then tucked it away, not quite ready to delve back into my mother’s memories. Silence stretched between us, only a light breeze lifting our hair and whispering in our ears.
Finally, Zuriel said, “Walk with me.” Tucking his hands behind his back, he ambled forward, leisurely, and I followed, leaving the horses to stand in the snow. The world around us was still, and with the sun caressing my face, a modicum of peace settled over me.
We strolled for a few minutes before my cousin glanced my way. “I fought in the great war between the Angels and Demons. Nowhere in Keleti was safe by the time I was forced to join the fight. But in the years before that, it was hard to sleep at night. No one knew when the enforcers would come to conscript us, or if our city would be raided by the Demons. I was young then and thought I knew everything about the world, as all younglings do. It was decades, centuries maybe, before I realized that even though the war was over, the fear of it still lived inside me.
