AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“I’d never felt physical pain like that.” My muscles are tight as I show her my truth. “I deserved it.” She starts to argue, but I continue. “Karma evened the score, but darkness was still attached to me. I brought tragedy, and I had to understand why and whether I could break it. If all I did was destroy, I had to stay away.”
Quiet envelops us, and she continues sliding her fingers over my skin. I see her mind working, thinking, searching for a reply, but I’ve gone through all the options. I’ve watched the patterns play out over and over, and I know it’s only a matter of time before I break this, too.
“I could sage you.”
“You know I don’t like that woo-woo shit.”
“What you said was pretty woo woo.”
“What I said is real. It’s not energy or magic. I break things. People get hurt.”
She exhales slowly, and I push my emotions down again. I don’t talk about this with people, because they want to argue with me. They want to tell me it’s in my mind or I’m wrong or get therapy. Then they go on with their lives, and I’m left with the fallout.
Her lips tighten, and she reaches up to slide her thumb along the line of my jaw. “Accidents happen, Zee. Your parents’ deaths, your injury, even Dylan’s—it wasn’t your fault.”
“But it was.” In my worst nightmares, I still hear Dylan’s screams. I still wake up in a sweat feeling the crunch of her delicate bones beneath me.
Clenching my jaw, I force that echo away. “So I studied Buddhism, learned to meditate…”
“To ease your pain.” Her fingers trace along my skin, so soothing and loving.
So dangerous.
“It didn’t work. I still brace for the tragedy, for the other shoe to drop.”
“So you added it to your sleeve?”
I wrap my arms around her small body, pulling her into my chest. Lowering my face, I bury it in her hair. Her arms wrap around me, and she holds me just as tight.
So much comfort is here, so much hope, but my anxiety is fiercely waiting. I think about all the rules I’m breaking with her, daring to get attached.
I try to fight it. I tell myself it’s safe. We’re only fucking, it’s not a relationship. We can still walk away from this. She’ll go on and be fine without me. I’ll live without her.
Lies. They’re all lies, and it scares the hell out of me.
I’ve got to try and get a handle on this, put things back to where they were, keep her in the safe zone if it’s not too late.
Tightening my arms around her body one more time, I memorize the feeling, the scent, the warmth of her in my arms. Then I release her.
“Goodnight.” I step out of the bed, tucking the blankets into her side.
“You’re leaving?” She holds out her hand as I move away. “Stay with me.”
I shake my head. “We’re heading out early. Get some rest.”
Another pouty noise, but I force my feet to move.
Driving down to Second-Chance Farms,I lower the windows so the cool air can swirl around us. It’s not as intense as removing the doors, so Edward should be okay in the back.
I don’t want to talk.
Rachel bounced around this morning, making coffee, toasting pop-tarts for her and Edward. I nuked a sausage biscuit.
“I wonder which is worse for you—this or that.” She pointed from her crap to mine, and her happy taunting was like nails scratching my conflicted insides.
“One morning, I’ll make us a real breakfast.” The words came out automatically, and I winced.
My goal was to ease us back to the friend zone, not offer to make her breakfast.
