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“I was always thinking about you. Sky, I didn’t think we’d ever get this opportunity, and I thought I needed to move on because that’s what was right for me, but no one measures up to you. No one. And if we’re being honest, anyone I’ve ever touched, I’ve thought about you the entire time.”
A tear rolls down my face because I know that feeling. I’ve had it myself. I didn’t want to be with my baby’s father. He’s the biggest asshole of all time. He literally made my life torture in so many ways, but I closed my eyes, and I pretended I was there with Carson.
Why does this have to be such a mess?
My panties are soaked, the baby is kicking, and I drag in a breath before a tear falls. “I thought about you, too. All the time. I imagined he was you. I imagined the things you’d say to me, how you’d comfort me, how you’d hold me. I imagined it was your body I was pressed up against. And now, even after last night, even after all I wanted to do was run down that hall and finish what we started, I know I can’t disappoint my brother. I just can’t. He’s… he's all I have in the world, Carson.”
“You’d have me.” His tone is low.
A tear drops onto my arm and then another.
“Why are we torturing ourselves, honey? We don’t need to. We can have what’s right, and we can do it without the drama. Maybe he’d understand. We don’t know.”
I swallow hard and stare toward him. Suddenly, my appetite is gone. All I want to do is crawl into bed and accept the fate I’ve been dealt. I’m in love with a man I can never have. “He’s not going to understand, Carson. It’s not that simple.”
“So, it takes him a while to come around. He’s not going to abandon you, bug. He won’t.” I know the bug is involuntary, but I don’t hate it this time. In fact, it’s comforting.
“I should call for a ride home. I can’t do this anymore. I’m exhausted.”
His brows narrow. “What? What about your stuff? You—”
“It doesn’t matter. Gentry was right. I can buy new stuff. He probably pawned my shit, anyway. Besides, I don’t want him to see I’m pregnant. This whole thing was an awful idea.”
“Honey, I’m getting your stuff. You wanted it. You can wait in the truck. In fact, I prefer it.”
It’s a generous offer, but I genuinely don’t care about any of it anymore. And truthfully, what I want more than anything is to not ride a second longer with Carson.
“I’m going to call my friend, Kelly. I’m sure she’ll come get me.” I squeeze his hand and stand from the table. “I’m so sorry about this. You’ll still get paid.”
He stands. “Paid?I don’t give a fuck if you pay me.” His big arm grips mine and turns me back. “Look at me. I’m in love with you. I don’t do that. I don’t fall in love.”
“You didn’t this time either. You’re confused. You want me because you can’t have me.”
He laughs. “Jesus Christ. Is that really what you’re going to boil this down to? Some game?”
“I’m being real, Carson,” I say, my tone rising. I’m not sure what’s happening. I really want to hold him close and crash against his chest, but for some reason, I’m yelling and saying the opposite of everything I feel. “This would never work. We’re in a fantasy land. We’ve idealized each other. The second we got together, we’d realize all of it was in our heads and we’d implode, taking Tyler down with us. What’s the point?”
He scoffs and shakes his head. “I know that’s not what you think. You know we’re perfect for each other. I bet you think about it all the time.”
“We don’t know each other!” I holler, causing the busy dining room to quiet.
I hadn’t realized how much was going on around me until this moment. The room has filled up with at least ten groups. Dishes are clanking, suitcases are rolling, and a small dog sits beside a table with a service vest that looks like it was purchased online, but I won’t judge.
“Why are you lying to yourself?” he groans, staring at me. “Why are you so afraid to do what you want?”
I never saw myself as a person afraid of anything. I’ve lived all over the country, I’m impulsive as hell, I spend money without thought, and I make decisions based on feelings all thetime. “I’m not afraid, Carson. I’m trying not to hurt someone I love.”
“You loveme.”
I know where he’s going with this. “I’ll always love you.” Our gaze holds, and though the room has resumed the clickety-clack of silverware and the low hum of chatter, it’s like we’re alone.
“So, then love me,” he growls, pulling me against his chest. My belly gets in the way of us being as close as I’d like. “I’ll raise this baby like my own, we’ll be a family, and I promise I’ll work every day to make things right with Tyler.”
My heart is beating so hard that I feel a little dizzy. I stare up at him and say, “I’m going to call Kelly. Thank you for… bringing me out here. I’m lucky to have you, but it’s probably best that we keep our distance.”
Tears roll down my face as I turn and walk away. Every step is heavy like I’m slogging through mud while staring at a sign that’s flashing‘U-turn ahead.’
I don’t want to do this. I want to bury myself against his chest and run away together. I want a family with him. I want everything all at once. But most of all, I want to go back in time and erase the part where I ever met this big giant of a man, because loving him without being able to hold him is a punishment I don’t deserve.
