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As though he knows me, he grabs two pancakes, a syrup, a cup of strawberries, and a Greek yogurt. I didn’t see the yogurt before. When he’s back with that, he disappears again to fill a cup with warm water before grabbing a bag of decaffeinated tea.
“You sleep okay?”
I nod. “Yeah, you? How’d things go with Tyler last night?”
“Good. He was exhausted, so he didn’t say much, just that he’s going to meet us again on the way home. I don’t think he suspected anything.”
It’s a simple word and I know that Carson doesn’t mean anything by it, but hearing‘suspected’in the same sentence as my brother makes my skin crawl.
“What’s wrong?” Carson presses. “You’ve gone pale.”
“Oh, really?” I peel back the top to the yogurt and focus on mixing the bit of water at the top in. I like yogurt, but this part grosses me out. “I’m good.”
“No, something changed. What’s wrong?”
I glance toward him. He’s stopped eating, his focus entirely on me as his big hand scrubs over his beard.
Maybe I could stop being so turned on for a few minutes so I could tell him what’s bothering me. I don’t know why I can’t say it.
“It’s okay.” He reaches out and holds my hand in his. Flashbacks of where he’d touched me last night go shivering through me. I really don’t want to press on the breaks. I want to keep this going for as long as possible, but I’m not sure who that’s helping anymore.
“Look,” I sigh, reluctantly pulling my hand away, “I’m not denying that last night was everything, and trust me, I spent therest of it desperately wanting you, but I’m not sure this makes sense anymore. You have four brothers, but you’re all Tyler has.”
“He has you.”
“And he won’t have me if I fuck him over like this… or you. I can’t do that to him.”
Carson drags in a deep breath and nods. I see the disappointment on his face and my body reacts physically.
I have to grip the edges of the chair so I don’t get up and hold him, tell him I’m a liar, and beg him to take me upstairs.
I’m pretty sure that’s what people call mixed signals.
“Does he have to know?” Carson’s tone is deep and ragged. I know this isn’t who he is. He’s not the guy who’d go behind another man’s back and cause all this mistrust. Neither am I, but all I’m thinking about is how we could hide this.
We could meet up when Tyler is at work. We could hide away on vacations together that no one knew we took. We could ignore each other around town and change each other’s names in our phone. No one would have to know except us.
Unfortunately,I’d know.
I’d know I was playing with fire. I’d know that I was disappointing my big brother. I’d know that he’d possibly never forgive me.
He’s the closest thing I have to family. This isn’t all about Tyler losing out on friendships. It’s about me losing him too. I need my big brother in my life.
“It’s a bad idea,” I finally say, my tone a whisper. “We can’t lie.”
“So, we don’t. Let’s do this all out in the open.” Carson shifts his head to the left, his gaze harsh with mine. “I’m assuming a lot here, honey. Maybe I should slow down. Do you… have you… thought about me like I’ve thought about you?”
I drag in a staggered breath. It’s a poignant question. One that deserves a poignant answer. “What have you thought about me?”
Why did I ask that?I don’t need to know what he’s thinking about me. We can’t do anything about it, and it’s dangerous as hell for me to know. I can’t think about it for the rest of my life. I can’t wonder what could’ve happened between us forever. Suddenly, I have a depth of understanding for Kelly’s situation I didn’t have before.
He drags in a deep breath, and his thumb brushes over the back of my hand. “I stayed away for so many years because I knew how badly I needed you.”
My chest tightens.
“You became this woman. This curvy, thick, beautiful woman and that combined with the smart mouthed sweetheart that you are… I couldn’t trust myself to act right around you. Hence, last night.” He laughs nervously. “But the truth is, even when we weren’t talking, I was still thinking about you.”
“You dated other people. I know you did.” I’m not sure why this seems important. I also dated other people. Weshouldhave been dating other people.
