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I lay on my back staring at the grey sky spitting rain down on the skylights overhead. I try to imagine Dad at my age, a misfit loner at FHS. And then a few years later, his whole life having turned around at a new school with new friends, the future an endless stretch of infinite possibility. And then in college, where he met Mom, fell in love, and got married. Holding his firstborn, looking down at me and marveling at this thing they’d made together. And then a montage of memories flashes through my mind—Christmas mornings at the lake, Mom surrounded by his family like she belonged; trips to the beach where he’d run after seagulls with Lily, like he believed as much as she did that they could catch one; his endless patience as he bandaged my knees and elbows and dried my tears before coaching me back onto the skateboard by doing a trick that looked so effortless when he did it.
Fake. Fake.Fake.
I want to hurl the yearbooks through the glass into the rain, let the pages soak and bleed, warp and mold until there’s nothing left of Dad in his place. I want to go home. I want to skate, but my board is at Meghan’s house, and I couldn’t skate on the soggy shoreline even if I had it.
When Uncle Seamus comes up to work on the blog, I’m relieved for the interruption. I escape downstairs and pick up my phone. I didn’t give Oliver mySnaporOnlyWords, so he can’t contact me. I have a message on both apps from Chase, but I don’t open them. I stalk Lindsey’s socials and find out they’re all going to some fancy, exclusive party for the town’s founders. She hasn’t messaged, but she’s probably just too polite to start up a conversation knowing that I’d want to hang out, and she’d have to tell me I’m not invited.
Is that how Dad felt, always shut out at FHS? I try not to let it sting—I was never as rich as Lindsey and Chase and Elaine, even in Connecticut where our lives were comfortable—but it still sucks to be left out when they go to events for the town’s elite. It’s just another reminder that I’m not good enough.
I shove the thought away and open a message from Todd.
DLine32: I’m sorry.
It doesn’t matter. He slept with Elaine while he was my boyfriend this time. I’m mad at him, but I’m mad at myself too. I let myself believe he cared, that he liked me enough to stay away from that vicious snake. She probably just did it because I said he wouldn’t. I think I want to sleep with someone to get even with her more than him.
The parents all leave embarrassingly early, around eight. Lily’s scared of the storm, so she crawls onto my bed to watch Barbie videos on her tablet while I settle in to work on a reading assignment for school. She starts crying when I try to put her tobed at nine, so I tuck her into a sleeping bag on my floor and go back to reading, since she sleeps like the dead. After another hour or so, Meghan sticks her head in the door and hisses at me. “What are you doing?”
“Being grounded,” I whisper, holding up my book.
She glances at Lily and then gestures for me to join her in the hall. I drag myself up from the comfort of my bed, already dreading the conversation we’re about to have. I know she’ll tell me I’m totally lame, but it’s not like I can leave Lily alone in the house and go out partying.
I balk when I step into the hall and see that Meghan’s not alone. Her guy is leaning on the door frame of her room with his rascally grin firmly in place. My heart trips over itself for a second when he looks at me. Oliver is standing behind him, rocking back on his heels, looking nervous and unsure.
“What are you ladies waiting for? The night is ours,” the Rogue says.
“I’m sorry,” I say, glancing between the three of them. “I have to babysit my little sister. Meghan didn’t tell you?”
She gives me a meaningful look, but I don’t know what she’s trying to convey.
“Ah, that’s a bummer,” he says, peering past me into my room, where my sister’s fast asleep in her nest on the floor.
“Go,” I say to Meghan. “Do your thing. Have fun. Don’t worry about me.”
“Are you sure?” she asks, chewing on the corner of her lip.
“I’m sure,” I tell her. “I don’t really feel like doing anything anyway.”
Oliver’s brother turns to him. “Why don’t you stay, Ollie? I’ll pop by and get you when I drop Megan off later. That way you won’t have to be alone.”
Oliver shifts on his feet and avoids my eyes. I kinda feel bad for the guy. At least Meghan didn’t point out I’m hanging outalone on New Year’s Eve in front of a couple hot guys and treat me like a charity case.
“You can hang out here,” I hear myself saying before I can think better of it.
“Are you sure? I can just go back to the flat,” Oliver says, doubt written all over his face. Now that he’s looking at me, I remember that I wanted to sleep with him, and I curse my sister. Maybe he can carry her back to her room without waking her.
“Yeah, whatever.” I cram my hands in the back pockets of my jeans and try to look cool, wishing I’d worn something cute but not wanting to be so obvious as to change into a dress. Not that I have a seductive dress with me, but still. It would be nice to look like the confident college girl he thinks I am.
“I brought whiskey,” Oliver says, pulling a small bottle from his back pocket and holding it out like an offering.
“Oh good,” Meghan says, giving me another look. “That’ll get the ball rolling.”
“We’re off, then,” her date says, wrapping an arm around her waist and pulling her in. “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”
He winks at us before they start away. Meghan turns back over her shoulder and mouths, “Good luck.” We watch them disappear down the stairs, and then the front door closes behind them as they head out into the rain.
I’m not sure drinking is the best idea with the parents coming home in a few hours, but I may not survive the awkwardness without a few shots in me. If I get plastered, I may even find the liquid courage to seduce Oliver as planned.
“Want to watch a movie or something?” I ask, thumbing back toward my room.
