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This is too much. “You put in a fence, and I’m supposed to be flattered.”
“No, you’re missing the point,” he says, and I glare. Jake falls to his knees, so I look down at him, and he places a hand on my knee. “You said the dream was a white picket fence. I had one put in.”
“That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard.”
“Yes, I felt foolish doing it, yet you noticed.”
I shove his hand away and stand, not wanting to be so close. Not yet. Emotions are coming all at once, and it isn’t easy to know which to acknowledge first. “So you made up a fake guy to manipulate me?”
“No, I used the available tools to win you back, and I’d do it again.”
“You’d lie to me all over again?”
“I’ve never lied,” he says, following me back into the kitchen.
“Are we really arguing technicalities?” I’m not thirsty or hungry, but staying still isn’t an option either. “You tricked me,” I say, and Jake shakes his head. “Were you laughing at me?”
“I’ve never done that, and you know it. Why don’t you ever believe me when I compliment you? I’m constantly telling you how amazing you are, and you shrug it off every time.”
I huff and wave a hand between the two of us.
“Did you tell Boone my company was going under?” Jake asks.
“This again?” Frustration returns, and it carries in my voice. After repeated denials, he’s still doubting me. “Gossip and rumors spread fast in this sport, Jake. He found out through the same gossip mill you did. If I was giving your secrets away, there are juicer bits than the parts everyone already knows.” There’s bitterness in my voice towards the end, but I can’t help it. I promised to keep Jake’s needs separate from my regular job,and I did it, even to my brother’s detriment, and in return, Jake accuses me of betrayal.
“I should never have suspected you. You’re better than that, and I’m sorry,” he says, and I believe him. “Stop moving around; it’s difficult to have a conversation like this,” he says after I move back into the living area.
“I can’t just sit here and be calm.” Not when I’m melting down and on the verge of another freakout. I turn the thermostat down several degrees and welcome the blast of cold air on my skin.
I need to keep alcohol in my pantry: grain alcohol or something equally awful. The kind that gives you a hangover so bad that you concentrate on it more than your actual problems.
“Then scream,” Jake says.
“What?”
“Go on. Yell as loud as you can. It will make you feel better.”
His suggestion sucks some of the nervous energy out of me. “You invented a fake guy who stood me up. How long did you intend to pretend? Were you going to use him to find out what I want for Christmas or maybe find out my secret opinion about….” I can’t think of anything. “About whether hot dogs are sandwiches. It’s a controversial subject.” Jake dares to chuckle, so I stamp my foot. “This isn’t funny.”
“I’m not laughing either, Princess. I invented a fake guy, yeah.” Jake raises a hand, extending his fingers like a wolf’s claws. “You told me to give you time, and you use it to go on a date. To a crappy restaurant, too.”
“Your fake guy is the one who suggested it, and you’re blaming me.”
“That was a clue he wasn’t the right man for you.”
This is ridiculous. “And that’s you?”
“Yes!” Jake’s hand and voice both drop together. “Instead of speaking to me, you perform some strange test. If you have doubts or fears, then tell me. Hell, if you want to yell at someone, come to me for that, too. You bring them to me so we can work through it. That’s what being in a relationship is. It’s not texting some fucking guy to perform a strange experiment. It’s also not comparing our life to some fucking spreadsheet. Life isn’t an abstract pro and con list.” His voice grows louder the longer he speaks. Jake breathes, and his voice drops to its typical level. “It’s just us trying to figure it all out and knowing we can because we have each other. I can take anything you send my way. Anything at all, except you avoiding me. I won’t run, Sarah.”
He said my name, and my eyes wouldn’t stop blinking.
I will not cry. I do not cry. Ever.
“If that’s true, why don’t you like my brother? He’s a good man.”
Jake takes a step back. “I killed my father. Or I might as well have. He worked hard to make my career happen; it killed him.”
“He had a heart attack, Jake. Sometimes horrible things happen, and you were just a child.”
