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A little while ago she’d been given pregnancy fact sheets and books, and now she had other ‘reading material’ to make use of.
At what point did she cease to be pregnant?
Questions flitted through Gina’s mind as they took her back to emergency. Just as she was trying to get her mind around being pregnant, she now had to get her mind aroundnotbeing pregnant. Confusion wrinkled her face. She didn’t know what to think, or feel. Things had happened so fast.
Marvin appeared next to her, flustered. ‘Oh, honey, are you okay?’
She explained what happened, and grief lined his face. In silence, he wrapped his arms around her.
And then it started.
Overwhelming emotion from deep inside Gina overflowed and poured out, her body shuddering with sobs.My baby. My poor baby!So tiny, but still... a life. Gone. Tears drenched her face, falling in droplets onto Marvin’s shoulder, forming spots.
Clear spots.
Empty, yet filled with something that could have been.
Days later,after staring at them for hours, Gina picked up the pregnancy books with tentative hands. One by one, she carefully packed them away in the same box they came in. She’d leave them on the kitchen counter for her mother to collect next time she dropped in. Marlina Giovanni had been around every day since the miscarriage; bearing meals, cake, and talk of ‘you’ll get another chance’. As soon as Marvin called her the day it happened, instead of coming straight to the hospital, Marlina had gone to the apartment to clean up. She didn’t tell Gina this, didn’t have to. When Marvin took her home that evening, the bed was freshly made with clean sheets, and there were damp patches on the carpet. The bathroom smelled of bleach, and flowers sat on the bedside table. Gina knew it must havebeen her mother, and was grateful for the refreshed space. Marvin wouldn’t have known what to do.
‘What are you doing?’ asked Marvin, as Gina placed the box of books on the counter.
‘I’m giving them back to Mum.’
‘Why? You need to keep them, for the next time.’ Marvin rose from behind his newspaper.
‘Next time?’
‘Yeah, next time. Now we know youcanget pregnant, so, as soon we get the doc’s okay, we’ll try again.’ He placed his bulky hands on her forearms.
Gina turned away. ‘I don’t...’
‘Don’t what?’
She turned to face him. ‘I don’t want to try.’
‘So, we’ll wait a bit longer. Give it a few months, and then – ’
‘I don’t want to try ... anymore.’
Marvin froze, as if to process what she’d said. ‘Honey.’ He picked up her hands. ‘You’ve just been through a traumatic event, it’s normal to not want to risk it happening again. I understand you must be scared, but we can talk to the doctor about whether there’s anything that can be done to prevent it.’
Gina released from his grasp and stepped backwards, shaking her head. ‘No, I don’t think...’
‘Who knows?’ He stepped forwards, grasping her hands again. ‘Maybe all that exercise you do could be a problem, it’s probably putting too much strain on your body. And your job, you could talk to Mark about going part-time, to take away the excess stress, so you can just focus on having a healthy baby, and–’
‘Marvin!’ Gina stamped her foot, shocking her husband into silence. ‘I don’t want to try anymore. I don’t want kids. I don’t...’ She glanced around the house, at the newspaper, the washing basket, the box of pregnancy books, and at him. ‘...I don’t wantthis!’ Gina ran into the bedroom, pushing back tears.
‘What do you mean,this?’ Marvin asked, rushing after her.
‘I tried to want kids, I really did, and I’m devastated by what happened, but ... I just don’t want to be a mother right now. Or ever, maybe. It doesn’t feel right.’ She sat on the bed. ‘I’m sorry. I can’t pretend anymore.’
‘How can you do this to me?’ He knelt on the floor in front of her, his hands on her thighs.
She pushed them away. ‘Marvin, I really am sorry, but I can’t do something just because you want it. It has to be right for me too.’ She held her hand to her chest.
‘So, you never wanted this baby, huh? I bet you’re glad this happened then, it gives you an easy way out!’ Marvin stood, blood rushing to his face. He turned to walk out, then turned back, curiosity narrowing his gaze. ‘You didn’tmakethis happen, did you?’
‘What? Are you crazy?’ Gina stood to face him, her blood boiling. ‘You think I made myself miscarry, just because I don’t want kids?’
