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But as the scene goes on and becomes more emotionally intense, I find that my lines come to me easily. The monotony of saying them over and over outside of rehearsal seems to have paid off, and it starts to feel like the words I’m saying are the ones my character would choose to say anyway. For a while, I actually lose myself. I follow my blocking and my lines, but I don’t have to tell myself to do it, just like I don’t have to tell myself to breathe. It all just . . . happens.
We make it all the way through without me having to ask for a single line. When Jade walks offstage and Madison prompts the final sound and light cues, I feel energized, keyed up, and ready to discuss. Jade launches herself out of the offstage area and practically skips over to me, clutching my arm with enthusiasm. Her face is alight with excitement, like maybe she just got the best news of her life.
“You did it!” she scream-whispers, shaking my arm as we settle in on the wooden boxes for Anastasia to give us notes.
Now that we’re off book, our rehearsals have found a kind of rhythm of “performance, notes, go again.” And we do that until we run out of time.
Jade and I settle in for notes.
“First of all, congrats on getting all the way through, and wow, Ian! I really want to celebrate that you didn’t ask for any lines, but that felt really different in, like, a really good way. I’m— Wow, I wasn’t expecting that.” Anastasia’s not even using an accent when she delivers the compliment, and that makes it all the more special. Jade has released my arm, but the energy coming off her buzzes around us.
“Yeah, it was crazy. It’s like I felt like IwasBen.”
Something clicked for me during that run-through, and I feel like I’m seeing a new color for the first time. My cheeks hurt from smiling.
I look over at Jade, who’s also smiling, the look on her face something between proud and impressed. That feels better than any praise from Anastasia.
“I definitely felt something different too.” Jade nods. “That was really good,” she says, but she says it quieter, as if that were just for me.
I expand like a marshmallow in a microwave at her words.
We talk through the one-act a little more, focusing on a couple of key moments and what worked and what we might tweak or change next time. I nod, understanding what Anastasia’s saying. The thought of having another chance to try again invigorates me.
“Instead of starting from the top, I’d like to just try this one section,” Anastasia says as we’re wrapping up our discussion. “Ben—sorry, Ian, we’ll start with Ben’s line, just the end of that ‘begging you to leave your mediocre job’ monologue. And I knowI told you to skip the stage direction there about the hug and the kiss, but I do actually want you to do it this time. I didn’t want to worry about any of that until you were both comfortable onstage, but you two have really worked on your chemistry, and it feels a little weird without the kiss, so let’s go ahead and add that back in. Ian, you’ll just do what it says there—you’ll hug her. Jade, you’ll resist the hug, try to pull away, but he’ll keep holding you. Jade, you kind of melt into the hug, and then Ian, go in for a kiss. Remember, you’re trying to convince her in this moment that you love her. She’s told you that your words weren’t enough, basically. So keep that all in mind and go ahead and get into places.”
Jade nods at Anastasia, casual and unfazed by the idea of a stage kiss—very likely not her first. But I’ve never kissed anyone onstage. It feels like something too intimate to do in front of people. I shift in my seat.
“Ian, all good?” Anastasia asks, settling back into her chair.
“Erm, yeah. Sure. Yeah, no, that’s fine.”
Jade snorts and stands, getting into place. Of course she knows how awkward I’m feeling right now, and of course she’s laughing at me.
“All right, from your monologue,” Anastasia cues me. “You can do the whole thing if you want.”
I’m not sure I can muster the same experience starting from the middle like she suggested, so I take a second to get into the headspace, but I can’t quite get there. If this were the first rehearsal, I’d just stumble through what my director told me to do, but I’m feeling confident tonight. Maybe it was the successful run-through without asking for my lines or maybe it’s that the environment feels safe enough, but I’m going to ask for what I need.
“Could we actually start with Jade’s line . . . the one about going on the lam?” I look between Jade and Anastasia.
Anastasia nods and gestures to Jade.
“Of course,” Jade says. She cracks each of her knuckles and takes a deep, slow breath, closing her eyes for a moment.
“Whenever you’re ready,” Anastasia says softly.
I follow Jade’s lead, taking a deep, slow breath and trying to find myself in the middle of an apartment in New York City, with my mistress, on September 12, 2001.
Jade starts, and I find I’m able to slip into Ben’s shoes as if we started from the beginning, so when we get to the moment I’m supposed to hug Jade, it feels pretty natural to do so. We follow the directions, Jade fighting the hug and me holding her until she melts into it. And then she looks up at me, and I know, I KNOW in my brain that it’s Abby looking at Ben, our characters looking at each other, but my brain short-circuits, and for a split second, I swear it’s Jade looking at me and asking me to show her how much I love her.
Not that I love Jade . . . but the way she’s looking at me, it’s as if she wants me to.
I try to slip back into character, to be Ben showing Abby he does love her—not with his words but with this kiss—and when I close my eyes and lean in for the kiss, I try to stay Ben. But the second my lips meet hers, I’m Ian and I’m kissing Jade. The sweet taste of Diet Coke lingers from her last sip. Her lips are soft, and it feels good—it feels right—to be kissing her. How can this be Abby when it’s so distinctly Jade? It freaks me out a little, being Ben and me and kissing Abby and Jade. It’s all too much of a mind-fuck, and I pull away, trying to stay in character. Jade starts to say her next line, but Anastasia interrupts.
“Sorry, that was actually— Okay, yeah, could you do that one more time? Ian, I didn’t buy that you were kissing someone to try to convince them you loved them. And if you didn’t convince me, you sure as hell didn’t convince Abby. So, one more time.Don’t go through the whole monologue—just go a couple lines before, and then let’s do the kiss.”
Jade and I work out which line we’ll start in at, and I wipe my palms on my jeans, taking my place on the stage. Jade takes hers, and I take a deep breath, trying to get into character.
We go through the lines, the blocking, and then I lean in to kiss her, and this time, I try not to think so hard about it. I let my instincts take over and lean into whoever I am in the moment—Ben, Ian, it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that I do as I’m told and kiss Jade or Abby, or whoever I’m kissing, like I’m telling her how I feel about her.
