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He really unloaded a bunch of shit on me. And I couldn’t logically argue with any of it. “What the fuck am I gonna do?” I was asking myself and maybe the universe, but Joey had an answer.
“Go to rehab. Get clean. Address these issues that are holding you back.”
It felt like an epiphany. A moment of clarity I’d never had before.
All these issues holding me back. Keeping me from loving Coleman like he deserved. Keeping me from being the brother and performer my band needed. Issues I never dealt with. Being abandoned. Having to fight for everything. Never understanding what love—true love—actually looked and felt like. I hadn’t felt anything but pain or numbness in a long fucking time. And honestly, sobriety, on the other side, seemed like a dark hole.
“I don’t know if I can do this.”
Joey patted my back. “What other choice do you have?”
I hadn’t hit rock bottom. Some said you had to hit that to really get clean. But maybe… Maybe I could be smarter. Learn from others. I didn’t want to hit bottom. Wouldn’t it be easier to climb back up before I fell that far down? “No. I could choose to ignore you. And that would be worse.”
“True.”
“But I won’t.”
seventeen
Falling Apart at Black Rock
Ziggy had been gone awhile. I knew he was okay because he was with Joey Hayes and Drake was trailing them a good distance away along with Joey’s security detail as well. But I didn’t know what they were talking about or why. It made me nervous, but it wasn’t like I could put Ziggy in a glass jar to keep him safe. He was an adult, strong and capable, and I needed to have more faith in him. All I could do was be here for him and hope he would confide in me.
Wolf and Harrison left to go check out some of the other performances while Jinx and Miami were still on the bus. I suspected they were after alone time more than sleeping. So, I cleaned up quickly and pulled up a chair in front of the bus to wait. While I did that, I phoned my office and gave them Jackson Spivey’s information and asked them to set up a meeting for us. I wanted to help them and was in a good position to do it.
Finally, Ziggy came walking up alone. Well, never completely alone. Drake was a few feet back, hovering like he was supposed to. I sure as fuck wouldn’t want that job—guarding rockstars. “Hey, Zig.”
He pulled up a chair next to me with a huff. “We have to talk.”
“Everything okay?”
“No, not really. I, uh, fuck this is hard.” He covered his face with his long, nimble fingers.
I suspected it was going to be about the drugs. His back doctor had told him to stop, and he hadn’t listened. “What does Joey have to do with this? Maybe start there.”
“Do you know his story? He almost died. And that’s what it took for him to figure his shit out.”
“I heard about the accident, but what do you mean by figure his shit out?”
“He was, he’s in recovery.”
“Oh.” I didn’t know what else to say. I didn’t know if it was appropriate for Ziggy to share that with me. “You know I didn’t put him up to talking to you. I haven’t talked to him or anyone.”
Ziggy rubbed my arm, taking my hand. “I know.” We sat there like that for a few minutes. I wasn’t going to push him. But when we started hearing movement in the bus behind us, he started up again. “So, I’m, I, uh, I think I’m an addict. It’s not just self-medicating. It’s not just enjoying the lifestyle. Maybe it started out that way, but it’s a whole fucking lot more than that now.”
I wanted to pull him in my arms and maybe stuff him under that glass. He was so vulnerable and open. I squeezed his hand. “It’s okay.”
“It’s not. But it will be. I hate to do this, but I can’t finish the tour. I need to go to rehab. Like now.” He squeezed my hand back. “Look at me.” I turned and gazed into his beautiful, deep blue eyes as if for the first time. “I love you.”
My heart fucking stopped. It was the first time he’d said it. Really said it. With meaning and feeling.
“And I want to feel that. I want everything with you. But if I have this issue hanging over me, I can’t. I’ve been numbing myself from everything. I don’t want to keep doing that. I want to enjoy being a rockstar. And their brother.” He jerked his head toward the buses. “And most importantly, I want to enjoy being your lover. Your partner. And I don’t really know how.” A tear beaded up in his eye and spilled down his cheek.
“Come here.” I stood and pulled him up to me. I needed to hold my rockstar tight. “I’ll cancel the rest of the shows. I’ll talk to the band. You need this, and it is way more important than any fucking show.”
Ziggy chuckled with his nose pressed into my throat. “You’ve been hanging out with us too fucking long, Cole.”
The band met up before going to watch Griffin Marsh and Chaser Lost. Everyone was there, including Marci and Kai and all the roadies, techs, and sound and light staff. I told them we were canceling the rest of their shows, but Ziggy stepped up to tell them why. I had never been prouder of him or anyone in my life.
