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“Job is probably the wrong word for it. But if someone wants to be in a relationship with you, they’re gonna have to check their ego at the door. They have to be secure enough to step back and let you shine. They should be your biggest fan. I feel like that goes without saying.”
She didn’t know if the warmth that spread through her was embarrassment or validation, but either way, she was flustered. He spoke boldly, as if being wrong wasn’t an option he considered.
And his boldness bolstered her own.
“Right? Like…somehow, it’s my fault that I’m successful? For something I’ve worked my whole life to do? I should apologize or be ashamed of those things? Oh, but he wouldn’t want to give up all the perks that come with my job. The houses and the parties and the invites and the people,” she rattled off, not realizing how much she’d been wanting to express these frustrations. “Itfeels like there’s this expectation that I should be successful, but not more than him. That I should leave ‘Zara Lorna’ at the door and be his doting girlfriend. Encourage him and baby him and tolerate his fuckups for the sake of his happiness. But you know what? I’m pretty sure he still wouldn’t be happy.”
“Yeah, he’s not the one for you,” Asa agreed.
“Maybe I can’t have both,” she said thoughtfully. “Maybe love and my job can’t coexist. Maybe I have to choose one or the other.”
“Nah,” he dismissed her words easily and it made her smile in the dark. “I would have probably agreed with you a few years ago but not now. You just need the right person. You know Sunshine and Sabine, right?”
He was talking about Sunshine Capone, the hip hop artist and his wife. They’d met at an awards show a while back and became instant friends. It was through Sunshine she’d met Nikki.
“Of course.”
“Take them for example. They are both very much individuals but committed to each other in a way that’s inspiring. You know damn good and well that if Sabine asked Sunshine to quit the biz so she could pursue her lifelong dream of being the world’s greatest teacher?—”
Zara snorted a laugh.
“I don’t know. Probably not that, but you know what I mean. He would do it. He’d drop it all and fall at her feet and be fuckingelatedto do it.”
She nodded, seeing what he meant. “But she’d never ask.”
“Of course not,” he agreed with her. “But weallllknow she could. She knows she could. And it’sthatkind of security that I’m talking about. Where you need to be with someone you would do anything for, but also know they’d never ask you to do something that would hurt you.”
Her heart pinched at the idea of someone loving her like that.
“That’s rare,” she said, her voice suddenly rough.
“Fuck, yeah, it is.” His voice equally rough.
“Feels impossible,” she whispered, her nose stinging.
“I can imagine.”
Her thoughts drifted with the thunder. She was okay. She’d always be okay. She had the love of her family and the gift of being able to do what she loved for a living. And while, yes, it could be lonely, she was sometimes gifted with moments like this one. With being able to share a moment, a personal connection, with another human. That’s why she wrote and sang in the first place. Because it was her way of connecting her heart to others. So maybe she didn’t need a life partner or soulmate or whatever. Maybe it was enough to have these moments that felt bigger on the inside.
“Maybe I’ll start a wildlife refuge for rabbits,” she said softly. Unable to keep herself serious, she snorted. “Not fancy rabbits. But like, regular ones. I could lean in and get real weird with it. Make them hats. And a reality show. LikeThe Bachelor. Imagine the drama.”
The silence lasted for maybe four seconds before Asa busted up laughing.
“Oh, my God,” he said around a chuckle. “Fuckin’ rabbits,” he muttered.
She joined in his laughter, the bed vibrating with their mutual amusement.
“It’s a solid plan b,” she concluded.
“It’s a million-dollar idea for sure,” he agreed.
She grinned up at the ceiling, pleased with herself for getting such a great laugh out of him. And what a laugh. She liked it more than most laughs. It felt like someone hugging her brain.
In that moment she decided she was going to be spending more time in Chicago. She missed Nikki anyway.
“Can I ask you something?” His deep voice turned soft, curious.
“Sure,” she replied.
