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His stoic expression cracked and revealed deep lines of regret and sorrow. His hazel eyes, usually so bright, were dark with shadows.
Her heart lurched.
“That night…” He cleared the rough in his voice. “I was there. I was at the restaurant.”
“What?” She studied his face, looking for the lie and not finding one. “No, you weren’t.”
He exhaled and rubbed the back of his neck. “I was in the lot across the street. I never got out of the car.” He dropped his hand and the breath he took seemed to take more effort. “I watched you go inside with your dad. You were wearing a black dress and platform boots. The ones that I said looked like puffer fish.”
Her eyes burned and she swallowed.
“Your dad laughed at something you’d said and held the door open for you and that was when I realized…”
He stopped, closed his eyes.
“What?” she whispered, not wanting the answer.
“I don’t know how to be that guy.”
Her breathing came heavier as she fought the urge to cry. “What guy?”
His brows dipped and he pressed his mouth into a hard line.
“André,” she said, wishing her voice came out strong instead of soft. “Did I—? Did you think I expected—?”
He shook his head and stepped closer to her. “No. No, Nik. You did nothing wrong. It was never you. Not once.” He licked his lips and this close she could see redness in his eyes.
“My dad got in my head. Looking at it now, I can see he was just projecting his own shit onto me, but I was too much of an idiot to understand that.” He paused. “And here I am, still not taking responsibility.” He dropped his gaze, lifted his eyes and took a deep breath.
“Okay, here it is. I was a coward. I hadn’t been able to open up to you, not truly. And I think you know that. I held you at arm’s length and used up everything you were willing to give me while I gave nothing of myself in return.”
Her eyes darted to the side because she knew what he was talking about. But she’d thought that had just been her perception.
“But you…” His eyes gentled as he took her in. “You live wild open and free. It would have been horribly unfair to tie you to a man who wasn’t even sure who he was.”
A hot tear slipped from her eye and she quickly wiped it away.
“So, you just vanished?” she asked. “I called you so many times.”
“I’m so sorry, Nik.” He swallowed again and his eyes glossed over. “I was so scared,” he whispered.
“Of me?”
“No.” He shook his head and wiped at his eyes. “I was scared I’d hurt you.” He shrugged. “It’s that simple and that stupid.”
She tilted her head to the side as another tear made a slow trek down her cheek. Couldn’t he see that what he’d done had hurt more?
“What I did isn’t okay. And I’m sorry it took me this long to say it.”
She inhaled but it was shaky. “But why all this stuff now? I mean…André, these past two weeks have been…” She didn’t want to say it because then it would be real but the tears in her eyes were already spilling. She sucked in a breath. “I’ve missed you so much. And I don’t know what to do if you just disappear again. I don’t know what any of this is for. Is it for you? So you can feel better about everything?”
He inhaled, his chest filled with air, and he let it out slowly. “No. I’m—fuck. I’m still doing it all wrong, aren’t I?” He raked his fingers through his hair and stalked away. He paused and stared at the floor for a beat before turning around. “Fuck, I’m sorry, Nik. I’m just sorry. Admittedly, when I got the call to work here, I had hoped…” He closed his eyes and shook his head once, as if ashamed. “I thought we could start over. That I could show you how much I’ve grown, and I’d get a second chance.”
All of her breath left her lungs.
“But it became very clear, very quickly that that was a foolish idea.” He tucked his hands in his pockets and looked to the ceiling. “I’m a fuckwit. Still.”
She didn’t argue with him.
