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“What’re you thinking?” I had to know. “Where did I go wrong? What should I have done differently?”
“I don’t—” she shook her head, looking as lost as I felt. “I don’t know if you didanythingwrong. Your good-guy syndrome got you caught in a tight, impossible situation, and no matter how you had handled it, I think you’d still feel shitty today.”
Good-guy syndrome? I wanted to ask what that evenwas, but instead, I blurted, “Youreallythink I’d feel this guilty and wrong if I’d just turned her down that night?”
“Well, I mean, yeah,” she answered. “I’d like to think I’m starting to learn you a little, and you hate to disappoint people. You hate to tell them no. You’re, like, the people pleaser extraordinaire. It would’ve eaten at you if you’d been the asshole who rejected her when she was feeling so low and questioning her own existence as a woman. And you know what—if you hadn’t given her that night, maybe she stillwouldhave felt low and crappy when her ex came crawling back. Maybe she wouldn’t have had the self-confidence she needed to let him back in. Those kids might not have gotten both parents under one roof again, if you hadn’t given her that inspiration she needed to boost herself into being the woman she wanted to be.”
I winced. “So you’re saying Isavedtheir marriage by having sex with her?”
“Well… I don’t know aboutthat. But, you know what? Maybe.”
When I furrowed my brow, she winced. “Okay, that might be taking it too far.”
“Slightly,” I agreed.
“Yeah,” she grumbled glumly. “Sorry. I was mostly just trying to make you feel better.”
I shrugged. “Thanks for trying, anyway.”
She nodded. “If it helps, I honestly doubt your one night with her has any bearing on their relationship at all.”
I nodded, liking that answer the most. “Hopefully.”
“Great.” She smiled brightly. “So let’s get you to class, then. A whole new semester awaits.”
I blinked at the abrupt change of subject. “But—” Except when I checked the time on my wrist, I yelped, “Oh shit!” Because she was right. We were running late.
Grabbing my book bag, I hurried from the truck and started jogging toward the biology building.
But as soon as I reached it, I paused to glance over at the girl who’d kept pace with me.
“Hey, Raina?” I said, swallowing thickly with emotion.
She looked up in surprise. “Hmm?”
“Thank you,” I said. “Thanks for being so chill about this. It’s been eating at me for eight months, and I’d convinced myself I had to be the worst person in the world. So thanks for not looking at me as if I were the devil incarnate.”
“You’re not the devil,” she assured, reaching out as if to try to touch my arm. “You’re not even a bad guy,” she added as she dropped her hand. “You’re just you, and I still think you’re a good person. And,” sending me a soft, gracious nod, she said, “thank you for sharing your story with me. I know it was hard for you to talk about. I’m honored that you trusted me with it.” Sending me a self-deprecating roll of the eyes, she added, “I mean Iamin a coma, so who am I going to tell, but still, thanks for making me feel important.”
21
FOSTER
Things changed after my big confession. Raina now knew one of the most humiliating things I’d ever done, and she was still looking me in the eye as if I weren’t completely abhorrent.
I felt raw and exposed, and yet, also relieved. Her acceptance seemed to heal something in me that I didn’t even know was festering. And when I glanced at her now, I saw someone understanding and kind.
I saw someone important.
“So it’s photo shoot time?” she asked, rubbing her hands together in glee as she walked along next to me toward Hill Hall. “This is so exciting.”
I chuckled and shook my head, happier than I could express that she’d moved past my indiscretions so easily.
“They’renotgoing to ask me to pose shirtless,” I assured her.
“Hey, psst. Shut your mouth. You never know. My dreams could still come true.”
When I barked out another laugh, some guy I was crossing paths with on the sidewalk glanced at me in confusion. I pointed at my ear as if I had an earbud in and was talking on a phone. Then I glanced over at Raina after he moved past. “Remind me to wear earbuds from here on out.”
