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I blink at him, seeing shame in his expression for the first time. Shame. Not for me but for himself.
A vice locks around my heart and squeezes, nearly crushing it with the weight of what I’m doing to my father.
What he’s doing could send him to prison if he’s caught. He’s risking his life for me.
“I’m so sorry,” I whisper, barely getting the words out past the lump in my throat. Part of me hopes he doesn’t hear me. It makes what I’m about to say next harder. “I can’t, Daddy. I promised someone I would do this.”
Alik promised me it would protect me.
I don’t know which one of you are right.
He closes his eyes as he stiffens.
“But if you’re worried, I could come stay with you,” I offer, my pitch high and anxious.
When he opens his eyes, my heart falls. In an instant, I see the truth in his green irises.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
My face feels cold as blood drains from it. “I understand.” I force myself to smile.
Mom still doesn’t want me there.
“She just isn’t ready.” Dad gives me a sympathetic tilt of his lips.
Not ready. Not even when my life is at stake.
She hates me.
They all hate me.
All except Dad. And I won’t even do what he’s asking.
I nod but don’t say anything else as he sighs and pulls me in for a hug. I close my eyes and wrap my arms around him.
“I love you, Daddy,” I say, my voice sad and weak.
He pulls away and nods before going to the door. “I’m going to take care of this, but in the meantime, stay here. I'll call you in a couple of days.”
“How are you going to?—”
“You don’t want to know.” He smiles weakly as he opens the door. “Take care of yourself, honey. Call me if you need anything.”
When he leaves, I go to the bed and lay back down to stare at the ceiling. I try not to think about what my dad will have to sacrifice to fix this.
A sigh blowing past my lips, I close my eyes.
I am such a fuck-up.
11
ALIK
Iscroll through the information on Vitaly’s cellmate, my eyes stinging from staring at the screen for so long. It’s been six hours straight of this, which is six hours more than I care to spend on my old friend, and I have a feeling I’m far from finished.
He was arrested too soon upon arriving in Russia to make meaningful connections I could use to find him now. It’s fitting for his karma but problematic for my search.
My eyes clench shut as my headache pounds, and I rub my thumb and index finger over my lids. It’s two in the morning. I won’t stop until this is finished.
