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My father’s eyes grew big with surprise before he hurried to open the door wider for me. I shuffled in uncomfortably just inside the threshold and watched him rush to tidy up his home. I wasn’t sure what I had expected my father’s place to look like, but a matching sofa set, with a nice rug and actual decor, was nowhere on the list.
“Do you want to sit?” He gestured to one of the couches as he hovered, waiting to see what I would do so he could follow my lead.
This was not the man I remembered. Suddenly, my rehearsed plan didn’t apply to this situation. I thought it would be easy to get everything off my chest. To tell him how he had ruined so much of my life. But I hadn’t expected to see the man I’d watched come home angry after a bad loss and take it out on his family to be wearing a pair of jeans with a nice pullover sweater and loafers.
“Uh, sure,” I told him as I sat on the edge of one of the couches. My father followed suit and sat down in an armchair that looked like it was his usual spot.
“How have you been?”
I stared at him and wondered how he could sit here and act like a changed man as if he hadn’t caused so much harm to me and Olivia.
How could he act so casual?
I struggled to remain the confident woman I’d grown into. As I sat in front of this man, I wanted to shrink myself. But I was no longer that same little girl.
“I came here today to try and fix some part of myself that you ruined all those years ago, but I guess I’m just having a hard time right now. I hadn’t expected you to look like …” I trailed off.
“Healthy and with no anger issues anymore?” My father supplied.
I nodded.
“After you and your sister cut me out, for good reason I might add, it was a wakeup call. I realized how badly I’d messed my life up and how far it had all gotten. I knew I needed help, so I went to a program.” He reached for a framed certificate displaying his achievement. My mouth dropped open.
The man I grew up with never would have admitted he had done something wrong. He had always been too proud to do something like that. Nor would he have taken necessary steps to make himself better.
“I’m sure that might come as a shock,” he continued, as if seeing my father look like a respectable human being should be far more normal than it was. “I’d always meant to reach out sooner, but I hadn’t felt ready. I’ve been working with my therapist, and we’ve been developing a plan for me to talk with you and your sister—”
All the pain I had to endure as a little girl played out in my head as my father tried to right his wrongs with just one conversation. But the hurt ran too deep, and the apology became too much.
“Please stop,” I told him as I held up a hand.
The rest of his sentence died on his tongue as he watched me struggle to get my thoughts together.
“I came here because I need you to know how badly you hurt me,” I started. “You forced me to be an adult far before I was ever meant to be. You were supposed to be the one to show me what it meant to love someone; except I watched you degrade my mother into less than a human being.”
My father’s skin paled as the words started coming out of me faster and faster.
“I’ve never dated anyone seriously becauseyoumade me feel like I wasn’t worthy to be loved. I’m a raging workaholic because I needed to feel like I was good at something. You made me feel worthless, so I’ve always searched for my worth in everything I do. I hate you for that.”
At this point, I was practically heaving the words out as my body edged me closer to sobs. The first tears slipped down my face as I repeated the words, “I hate you.”
Heavy silence filled the room. Even though I wouldn’t be leaving this conversation with forgiveness, I would be leaving here having let go of the past and the baggage I carried with me.
“Rightfully deserved,” my father replied softly. “All of it. I deserve all of it.”
He reached for a half-drunk glass of water on the end table next to him before he spoke again. Sweat had broken out on his forehead.
“I’m sorry that I failed you as a father and forced you to be something that you weren’t ready for. You deserve to have someone who’s going to treat you like you matter every single day. Not just when it’s convenient for them. I only hope eventually you and Olivia will give me a second chance. Whenever that is, I will be forever grateful for it.”
Part of me had expected to feel the holes in my heart mend while I was here with him, but instead I only felt like every piece of myself had been thrown to the wind and I was scrambling to put it all together again. I had known that hurt for so long that it had become part of my identity.
Why does this feel like letting a piece of myself go?
But the only way to fully move on from this and allow myself the grace to move forward without his presence looming in my life was to relinquish the hold he had on me forever. The work he’d done to improve his life was evident simply in the tidiness of his home, the lack of alcohol bottles on top of the kitchen cabinets that I could see in the back of his apartment, and his genuine desire to start fresh with me.
I must have taken too long to fill the silence because my father eventually filled it for me. “I’ve followed your career,” he told me. “You should be proud of what you’ve accomplished, and I take no credit for that. You did all of that on your own. I know you’ll find someone who celebrates all those qualities in youbecause you were never one to settle. If you wanted something, you always found a way to get it.”
Too many feelings were swirling around inside of me as I sat there and let them run rampant. I stood suddenly and my father followed suit. I was overwhelmed and his home felt suffocating. I desperately wanted to leave, but there was a piece of my mind willing me to stay and see this through.
