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She smiles, her green eyes meeting mine, mirrors reflecting a shared past. Together, we take a walk down memory lane. Nana recalls her fondest memories, and where she has gaps, I fill them in. It’s a thing we do, and I know she loves talking about the past. And honestly, I don’t mind it at all, but even if I did, I’d indulge her. I owe this woman everything, and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her.
“You’ve always had such a big heart,” she says, squeezing my hand. Her touch is frail, yet filled with a strength that defies her age. “Speaking of hearts,” Nana begins, her tone shifting. “What about yours, Soren? And your parents?”
I stiffen, feeling the old wounds tug at my insides. “You know how that story goes,” I say, trying to keep my voice light despite the way my stomach plummets.
Nana sighs, her disappointment clear even as she attempts to hide it behind concern. “I just don’t want you to live with regret, dear. Reconciliation can heal—”
“Like you reconciled with Dad?” I interject softly, not willing to let her deflect.
Nana’s eyes are soft, but there’s a steel in them that I’ve only ever seen when she talks about my parents. “When your mother and father failed you, they failed me. They forgot that family should always come first.” Nana’s voice is coated with disappointment so thick it could choke you. “After Ryan died, they should’ve been here for you, not just physically, but emotionally, too.”
I nod, feeling the familiar sting of their abandonment and blame like a fresh wound. The day my twin died was the day I lost my parents. Although it took them a few weeks to actually tell me they thought it was my fault Ryan fell through the ice and drowned, I felt it the second Dad pulled my twin’s lifeless body from the water.
We both knew we weren’t allowed to go skating on the ice, but we did it anyway. Even though we’d done it plenty of times, that day we didn’t get away with it.
I feel the weight of the past press down on my chest, heavy with the burden of guilt that’s been my constant companion since I was fifteen. It seeps into my bones, a reminder of the blame that was thrust upon me by the very people who should have held me tightest in the aftermath.
Rationally, I know the accident wasn’t my fault. But hearing your parents shout that it was, cancels any logic. Words spat out in anger and grief, branding me as the one who lived when I should have looked after my twin. It’s why I ran away only a month later and moved in with Nana.
“Blood doesn’t obligate you to forgive their failures,” Nana continues, her gaze unwavering. “I love you enough for both of them, Soren. Always have, always will.”
“Thanks, Nana,” I say, my throat tight. “Love you, too.”
I swallow hard, pushing down the rising tide of emotions as I meet her nearly green eyes, so much like mine. Her frail hand reaches out, and I hold it between my calloused ones, feeling the fragility of her bones against my strength.
We sit in a comfortable silence that stretches beyond emptying the pot of tea, even the second and third one I brew so she doesn’t have to get up. As the clock on the wall ticks away, and the light from outside changes from warm hues to colder ones, Nana turns on the TV and picks up whatever it is she’s knitting. Maybe another sweater.
I’m content sitting on the couch, watching her. There’s something about being in her presence that makes my thoughts shut the hell up, and today, that’s exactly what I need.
Looking up from her project, Nana takes my hand. “You know,” she says, her voice soft. “Ryan would be so proud of you for living your life, darling.”
The mention of Ryan’s name sends a shiver down my spine, and I can feel the ice from years ago creeping into my veins. The memory of Ryan’s laughter echoes in my mind, a haunting melody I can never escape. I hate talking about him, yet I can’t bring myself to shut Nana down.
“Life dealt you a tough hand,” she says, squeezing my hand gently. “But you’ve played it with grace, my boy.”
It makes me feel like a fraud that she thinks that highly of me. It’s true that I usually try to do the right thing, be a decent person and a great grandson. But lately… I’m not so sure I can say that’s true. Not with how I’ve treated Gail.
“Sometimes I wonder…” My words trail off as I fight back the lump in my throat. Ryan was supposed to be here, living this life with me. Instead, I’m here in Nana’s luxury apartment, surrounded by her love, yet still feeling like half of me is missing.
“Life isn’t about wondering ‘what if,’ Soren,” she chides softly. “It’s about doing the best with what we have.” Nana leans forward, her expression earnest. “And remember, you’re not alone.”
I know I’m not alone; I have Nana, Mickey, Sawyer, and… maybe a baby on the way. Fuck me. But one thing I know for certain now, I need to make an effort to get to know Gail. Not for her, or even for me. Regardless of whether me or Mickey is the dad, we’ll both be in the baby’s life. So I suppose getting to know the mom is only right.
Especially since there’s so much more to her than what meets the eye. The version of her I played with at Cupid’s Court is so far from the one I’ve met when we were out with our mutual friends. Maybe she’s deserving of the benefit of the doubt, but I also know I can’t give her that without Mickey feeling the same way.
Nana pulls me out of my reverie when she starts talking about Sawyer and Mickey, asking when she’ll see them again. “I haven’t even met Sawyer’s wife,” she huffs. “I should have met her by now, Soren. This isn’t right.”
I shake my head, a smile playing on my lips. This is so Nana. She loves Mickey and Sawyer like they were her grandsons, too. “Why don’t you come visit soon? I’ll make sure everyone’s there.”
I decidedly don’t mention Gail, as I don’t even know how to explain her. That’s a lie, I do know. I just don’t want to.
Since it’s getting late, I only stay for another hour, long enough to order and eat Chinese. Then I drive Nana to her bingo, dropping her off and making her promise she won’t walk home alone. I know she has this mantra that for as long as her legs will carry her, she wants to walk, but I don’t like the idea of her walking alone at night.
After I drop her off, I preorder an Uber, paying extra to make sure it’s there half an hour before bingo ends. Then I drive through the muted streets until I reach the graveyard, and with the help of my phone’s flashlight, I quickly find my twin’s grave.
“Hey, Ryan,” I rasp, running my hands across the smooth marble of the gravestone.
I usually take Nana here every second month, but this is the first time I’m here by myself. The thought of going has never appealed to me, but tonight, I know I need it. And as I look up at the stars, I tell my twin everything that’s on my mind.
