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My body, once average and predictable, now curves and swells in new, intriguing ways around the life budding inside me. At fifteen weeks I haven’t changed all that much, but it’s enough for me to notice and treasure it.
Leaning closer, Luce takes my hand. “Pregnancy suits you, but umm… are you doing okay otherwise?” She pauses, biting her lip, a clear sign she’s gearing up to offer help. “Anything you need, just ask.”
There’s this unspoken promise between us, one that stretches back to our college dorm days—a lifeline I’ve grabbed onto more times than I care to admit. But lately, I’ve been grappling with a heaviness that feels like it could drag even her down with me.
“Actually, there is something…” The words tumble out before I can stop them, breaking a vow I made to myself. I never meant to ask aboutthem.I’m supposed to be focusing on my own growth, dammit. But here I am, weak and wanting. “Do you... do you know how Mickey and Soren are doing?”
Her sigh is barely audible, but I see the resignation settle over her features. For a moment, Luce looks older, wearier, as if the weight of my sorrow has draped itself over her shoulders. “They’re miserable, Gail.” Her eyes meet mine again, and the raw honesty there leaves me breathless. “Sawyer keeps me updated. They miss you. A lot.”
It’s like a punch to the gut, the air whooshing out of me in an agonized rush. I knew it. Deep down, I’ve felt their absence like a physical ache—a relentless, gnawing emptiness—but hearing it confirmed, knowing they’re suffering too, it’s both a balm and a blade to my battered heart.
“Shit,” I mutter, pressing a hand against the slight bump of my belly, seeking solace from the tiny being within. “I didn’t want to know, but I needed to.”
We continue to work for a few more hours, each of us engrossed in our own tasks. By the time I look out of the window again, it’s dark. I get up from the chair, stretching, and needing to move my legs. I’m just about to suggest another break, or that we stop for the day, when Sawyer bursts through the door, all smiles and kinetic energy.
My heart skips before plummeting into an abyss. There’s something about the way Lucia lights up at his entrance, her emerald eyes sparkling with unspoken words and shared secrets—a love so visceral it radiates from them like heat from a flame.
“Hey, Bunny.” Sawyer greets Lucia with a pet name that feels like a private joke, the corners of his mouth lifting in that boyish grin as he sweeps her into his arms. They’re lost in their own world, and I’m just a spectator peering through the looking glass. “Hi Gail,” he says when they pull apart.
“Hi,” I manage to say, my voice wavering with an emotion I can’t quite name. Is it envy? Longing? The crushing weight of missing Soren and Mickey is a constant companion, gnawing at the edges of my composure.
“Ready for the game tomorrow?” Lucia asks him, her fingers tracing patterns on the fabric of his jersey as if she’s drawing strength from the contact.
I take that as my cue to leave, feeling like I’m intruding on something sacred. “I should head out,” I murmur, slipping past them toward the door, trying to ignore the sharp sting behind my eyes.
The drive back to Jamie’s house is a blur, the streets merging into one endless stream of headlights and shadows. In the silence of the car, I let myself imagine—for just a moment—what it would be like to have that kind of love again, to be cocooned in the kind of warmth that seems to wrap around Luce and Sawyer like a protective shield.
I snort at myself as I realize I mentally said “again”. The love I experienced with Mickey and Soren was toxic and manipulative—fabricated instead of real.
My reality is a cold bed, and a heart hollowed by absence. I park in Jamie’s driveway, killing the engine and letting the stillness envelop me. Maybe someday I’ll feel whole again, but tonight, I cradle my burgeoning belly and mourn what once was—aching for the touch of two men who are as much a part of me as the life growing inside.
Entering Jamie’s apartment, I use the flashlight on my phone instead of switching on the lights. He’s on night shift and won’t be home until the morning, and since I don’t feel like doing anything, I slip under the covers, the chill of loneliness wrapping around me like a shroud as I curl up on my side. My fingertips brush against my belly, the gentle swell a reminder that life—stubborn and unyielding—continues amidst heartbreak.
“Hey there, Fet,” I murmur into the hush of the room. “It’s just us girls tonight.” Of course, I don’t get a reply, but that doesn’t stop me from continuing to talk. “You’ve got a hell of a family waiting to meet you, kiddo. Two dads with more love than sense and an auntie who’s kickass at everything she touches. Not to mention your uncle; he’s the kindest and most generous man in the world.”
In the darkness, I imagine Mickey’s broad palms resting over mine, while Soren hovers behind, a towering presence of warmth, his lips pressing a promise into the crown of my head. The fantasy is so vivid; it’s almost cruel.
“Your daddies are… they’re complicated, but they’re all yours.” My voice breaks, and I swallow hard against the ache. “And we’re gonna be okay. Promise.”
The morning light seeps through the curtains—a fresh start or a glaring reminder of another day without them. I’m not sure which.
Instead of doing what I really want to do, pine, I get ready quickly and then I silently slip out of the apartment, careful not to wake Jamie. Mom’s already waiting for me in the parking lot, ready to go shopping. We haven’t done a lot of that lately, so when she suggested it I didn’t hesitate to say yes.
She drives us to the mall where we end up walking aimlessly around for a couple of hours. In the baby shops she points out items she thinks I should consider buying already. I try my best to keep a good spirit, but in the third shop I break down, all of it reminding me of when Soren took me shopping.
“Oh, my God! Gail!” Mom’s tone is filled with concern. “What’s wrong?”
Unable to answer due to the ball of emotions lodged in my throat, I just reach for her, uncaring of who sees us. Right now, I need my mom more than I can put into words.
I don’t pay attention to where we’re going as she guides me out of the shop and into the nearest restaurant, straight into the bathroom. “What’s happening? Is it Fet?” she asks, handing me some toilet paper.
Although I want to answer her, reassure her that Fet and I are okay, I can’t. I can’t do anything but fall to pieces in the bathroom, sobbing into my hands. My entire body is shaking so hard that even standing upright is too much. Leaning against the wall, I let myself drop down to a crouch, still crying into my hands while Mom softly strokes my hair and murmurs that everything is going to be okay.
When I’m all cried out, I finally remove my hands and look up at her. “I miss them so much,” I confess hoarsely.
“Who?”
Letting out a shuddering breath, I tell her about Soren and Mickey. Not how or where we met, but I do make it clear they’re both Fet’s dads, and that we were in a relationship—all three of us—until I left last week.
