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“Please don’t ever doubt me again,” he said, leaning in to kiss me softly. “Because of all the people in this world, Maddy, I only want and need you. And I would never hurt you.” He breathed out slowly, like he finally felt at peace.
“I know.” And I did know, and I had to say the words one more time. “I love you.”
Smiling, we stared at each other, our gazes drinking each other in as we memorised the moment that would be the defining one of our relationship. The moment where I’d stopped over thinking and just let myself feel.
“We should go,” I said, conscious of the time of Ana’s assembly.
He nodded, his thumb brushing my cheek, his ring cold against my skin. “Yeah maybe you’re ri…”
“What?” I asked, when he trailed off.
“My passcode. Connie knows it.”
“Connie?”
“Yeah, she does.”
“But it was your Insta password, not your phone.” I didn’t understand what he was getting at. “How would that help her? Or does she know that, too?”
“No, but maybe she got into my phone and checked my password. I don’t have it hidden because I always forget it.”
“Zak,” I cried. “You told me all your passwords are Hoyland123, how the hell do you forget that?”
He shrugged like he had no idea what the problem with that was. “The point is,” he replied, “she might have got into my phone and checked my password and then she posted it.”
“Would she go to those sort of lengths?” I asked and then remembered the party. “Yeah, she would.”
“I’ll kill her,” he growled about to push up off the bench seat when I pushed him back down.
“We need to be sure first. And, I can’t believe I’m saying this,” I shook my head and rolled my eyes, “but does it matter? If she did, the reason was to break us up and it hasn’t worked, so…”
Zak shook his head. “It does matter. She made you cry, and I had the shittiest weekend of my life.”
“Who said I cried,” I argued.
He circled my face with his index finger. “You look beautiful, but I can see hints of tears.”
“My friend died, Zak. Do you not think that maybe that’s why my face is blotchy and my eyes like slits.”
Shame and regret fell over his features. “Shit, I’m sorry. I can’t imagine how bad you must feel. How sad and heartbroken. Fuck,” he cursed under his breath. “I’m so sorry, Mads.”
“It’s fine.” It wasn’t fine, there were still vestiges of anger inside me, but it was time to let it go.
“I know that you’re angry at me for not chasing after her the other night, but honestly I didn’t know she would take that short cut. I didn’t even know it existed.”
“I wasn’t angry at you, well, not just you. I was angry at everything; at Ana, at me, at you. Just because it was easier than the alternative which was grief. Grief and acceptance that she really is dead.”
“I’m so sorry.” Zak stroked my cheek and gave me a half smile. “But I understand that totally. I promise you, though, Liam and I looked hard for her. We even went out onto the street, both in different directions, but neither of us saw her.”
“She probably cut through the allotment, another stupid thing she used to do.” Scuffing the toe of my boot on the pavement, I thought about Ana and some of the stunts she used to pull. “She’d often go off on her own, take short cuts and the darkest roads home. She was the first one to sneak drink out of her parents’ drinks cabinet, she was the one who jumped a taxi when we went to a gig in Manchester one time. She did a lot ofstupid things, so her storming off from a party wasn’t your fault, not at all.”
He gave me a single nod and sighed. “We should get to the assembly. Go and pay tribute to her.”
It was only when Zak reached up and wiped my cheek with his finger that I realised I was crying, but it felt good to have him there to comfort me.
“I’m doing a speech,” I told him. “I just hope it’s okay.”
“It’ll be perfect,” he replied. “You’ll make her proud, I know you will. And then, after that I’m going to call Connie and find out what she’s been doing.”
