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“Well, now you know.”
“And what are you going to do about it?” Beau asked with a raised eyebrow.
Sighing heavily, I shook my head. “Nothing. There’s nothing that I can do.”
Beau nodded. “I’m not going to tell you what do, Ron. You’re your own, man, but be careful, okay? I’m not condoning you taking another man’s wife but if you do decide that’s what you’re going to do, don’t forget it’s going to cause a whole heap of shit.”
“Yeah, well,” I said disconsolately, “it’s not going to happen. Like I said, Amber isn’t ever going to cheat on Jimmy.”
“Despite the fact that he cheats on her regularly,” Joey muttered.
And he was right. It didn’t matter to Amber that Jimmy shagged around on her, she wasn’t about to do the same. That was one of the reasons that I was falling in love with her, that and her cute smile, perfect lips, and that damn hair of hers; blonde curls all down her back, almost touching her arse. Yep, Amber Fox was the whole package, but she just wasn’t mine and never would be.
CHAPTER2
AMBER
There are times in your life when you look back and think, why? Why did I buy that dress? Why did I send that text? Why did I go to that party? I was having one of those why moments. Mine was to do with my husband, Jimmy.
Why did I give his words and actions any validation?
There was another more obvious why. Why had I married him in the first place? That was as easy as breathing. He wasn’t only beautiful, but he had a freedom about him which was infectious and made you think that every challenge in life was an adventure.
I’d fallen hard for him when I’d gone to one of the Blind Devil’s first gigs with my friend Lucy. It was in a local pub and I hadn’t been expecting much, the usual cover band of middle-aged guys reliving their youth. I couldn’t have been more wrong. From the minute that they strutted on stage, my eyes were glued to Jimmy. Hugo, the bass player, was the one all the other girls in the audience were swooning over, but for me his classic good looks paled compared to the wild exuberance of Jimmy Fox.
A pretty shy person at heart, I could hardly believe it when I went over to him after the gig and offered to buy him a drink. Funny, at the time I didn’t think it odd that he asked for a triple vodka. It didn’t occur to me that it was the selfish act of someone who oozed self-importance. Maybe if I had I wouldn’t be watching him sleep off another binge, at another party for which he’d abandoned me in a hotel room.
I could smell the booze seeping from every single one of his pores, that and the drugs. I knew he’d smoked weed when we first met, but over the five years we’d been together he’d progressed to coke. My biggest fear was what he would move onto next, because he would, of that I was certain. He’d wrapped it up in some bullshit about only having one life and needing to be free, but at the heart it would all be for his own selfish needs.
I was also totally aware that he was bored with me. We barely made love. The last time had been over a month ago and when we did it was purely sex and on Jimmy’s terms. The only thing I insisted on was he used a condom. I told him we weren’t ready for children, and I wanted to be doubly sure we didn’t have any accidents. The real truth was I didn’t trust he didn’t have some sort of disease from the women I knew he cheated on me with.
Hugo’s girlfriend, Amelie, had told me for years to leave him but Jimmy had been all I had. My mum died after a long battle with cancer the year after I met Jimmy, as for my dad I had no idea who or where he was, which meant that Jimmy had been my only family for the last few years. Him and the other band members. I tended to talk to Brandon mostly, the drummer, but he liked to party just as much as Jimmy. I didn’t, so Brandon and I didn’t spend an awful lot of time together, but we chatted. As for Amelie, who I loved, I knew she had my back more than anyone, but she rarely came on tour as she had her own career as a photographer. Chris, the lead guitarist, wasn’t an option as a friend. He hated everyone, even his band members, only ever talking to his brother Jerry who never washed and only ever ate mashed potato. This meant that even though the small family I’d inherited was hardly warm and cosy, I still didn’t want to lose it.
There had been one time when I actually got the guts to go. It lasted a whole forty-eight hours before Jimmy persuaded me that he’d change. That had been almost two years before and I was still waiting.
Stupidity, naivety, maybe even weakness were all things I was guilty of, but I was struggling to take the next step and stick to my decision. It didn’t matter how much Amelie insisted we’d stay in touch if I left Jimmy, I knew differently. We’d said the same to all the boy’s girlfriends who came and went, but life on the road and being part of band life was hard. I didn’t even have a group of friends back home, because I’d given everything up when I met Jimmy. I hadn’t needed anyone else. We were going to be deliriously happy for the rest of our lives, so why would I need anyone else?
Seems like I did, because now Iwasn’thappy and didn’twantto spend the rest of my days swamped in misery and unease. And that was exactly what marriage to Jimmy was like. As time went on, the alternative seemed preferable. I was alone in my marriage, so there wouldn’t be much of a change.
However, as Jimmy wiped drool from his mouth in his sleep, I considered how much things had improved recently. Not with him, that horse had well and truly bolted, but life had been better since Blind Devil had gone on tour with Warrior Creek. Thinking of the reason why, a lump of guilt fixed itself in my chest.
I had taken my marriage vows seriously, but Jimmy not so much. His clear disregard of them had chipped away at my heart to the point it was about to shatter into tiny pieces. Then Ronnie Dwyer came along. He actually saw me and listened to me, and we had become friends. I wasn’t stupid, though, I knew Jimmy wouldn’t like it if he found out. I was his property.Hiswife to ignore. What he would never consider was that with just one move, one step, Ronnie and I could be so much more. I was hanging on by my finger nails to the edge of loyalty but if Ronnie fell and yelled for me to fall with him, I knew I would.
The knot I used to get in my stomach had unravelled itself a long time ago. I felt more disdain than fear, more embarrassed than inadequate, yet I still felt the need to fulfil some stupid vow I made in front of a handful of people four years before. It was getting harder and harder to think of a reason why I shouldn’t, though. Jimmy lying on the floor of our room, stinking of another woman’s perfume and with a shade of lipstick I’d never wear smeared over his mouth, made me think I should just do it and not even use a parachute.
A groan from the floor caught my attention and my heart sank. I didn’t want to have to deal with hungover Jimmy, or mean Jimmy or worse, apologetic Jimmy.
“What time is it?” he asked, his voice croaky from booze, cigarettes, and god knew what with random women.
“Almost midday.” I turned my attention back to the book I’d hardly looked at all morning. “Early for you.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” He pushed himself up and leaned back against the bed, bringing his knees up to rest his cheek on.
Okay, he was going to be mean Jimmy.
“Just that you normally stay in bed a lot later the morning after a party.” I knew what would come next. The blame.
“If you weren’t so boring you could enjoy the party with me.”
