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“She used to make me look at it and ask me why I couldn’t be him. That I would never be him.” His stare turns murderous. “She said if I hadn’t come along, she might have been able to have another chance with you.” He points to me with the gun.
“I ruined her life, apparently. Funny, because I didn’t ask to be on this earth, and if I had the choice and it was with her, I would have much rather not. I didn’t even know Jace, never spoke to him, never seen him, but I grew up in his fucking shadow. Constantly compared to him. How good-looking he was, how he was doing well for himself. ‘You will never be like my boy, you worthless piece of shit.’ That’s what she would say every single day. I don’t recall one day she didn’t say that. I had to grow up staring at Jace’s face every day while she would cry herself to sleep because all she wanted was him and you,” he spits, eyeing me up and down.
“I would get weekly beatings from her and her pimps, or random men,” he says.
I hate that some part of me deep down feels any sympathy for him, but how can I not? How can someone put their child through that?
“I was compared to him my whole life. He ruined my fucking life. If it wasn’t for him, she may have loved me,” he shouts. “Me.” He points the gun to his chest. “Not fucking Jace, not you. Me!” Tears form in his eyes.
I choose then to look over at Rylee, and wish I hadn’t. She is crouched down on the floor with her hand over her mouth, silently sobbing. I know Rylee. I know her heart, and I can guarantee she is breaking in half for not only Jace but James as well. I look back to James. Seeing her cry like that makes me sick to my stomach. The pain in my chest aches like you wouldn’t believe, knowing there is nothing I can do about her pain.
“Then one day, it all stopped.” His voice breaks me out of my internal thoughts. “I woke up one morning. Normally, I was woken by screaming or Roxy being beaten. Sometimes waking up to a man in my room. There was never a dull morning in that trailer, But that morning, it was silent. So silent. It made me feel weird and uneasy. I will never forget that feeling.” He squints at the wall, as if he’s taken himself back to the day. Rylee and I don’t say a word, we just listen. Listening to how we got here, to what led us here, to why he took my son’s life.
“I remember tiptoeing out into the hallway. I was starving, which wasn’t anything new. I mostly ate scraps out of the bin or stole food from people at school.” He shrugs like it’s no big deal. “I didn’t want to call out because if I spoke without being told I could speak, I would get beaten. So I kept my mouth shut and crept through that trailer.
“The living room was empty, the kitchen was empty, so I stood outside Roxy’s door, shaking as I pulled that handle down. The sight changed everything for me. Her lifeless body lay on the bed. Her vacant eyes stared at the wall, the dribble of vomit that trickled out of her mouth. The needle that hung out of her arm. I will never forget that image. You know . . .” He pauses, breaking away from his daydream and staring at me. “I had no reaction, I just stared at her for what felt like hours until I heard a noise coming from the living room. I panicked and ran and hid in her closet. I heard some shuffling and some mumbles. I assume it was her pimps or whatever.” He waves the gun in the air.
“They didn’t find me. I waited until it was silent again, and then I crept out of that closet. Her lifeless body still lay there, not moving. You know what I did.” A sad smile appears on his face. “I screamed at her, asked her why I wasn’t enough, why she hurt me, why didn’t she love me. Everything I had ever wanted to say to her, I screamed it until I barely had any voice left.” The sad smile turns evil, and it’s like seeing Roxy all over again, the day I found out who she really was, the smile she gave me is the exact smile I stare at now.
“But then, the anger settled in quickly. I was thirteen when she died, thirteen years she had put me through utter hell. I had no childhood memories.” He pauses. “Well, that’s a lie, I had plenty of being beaten and tortured, but no good ones. So, I went into the living room, picked up the bat that she used to use to defend herself if the men got aggressive toward her, then walked into that room and without a second thought, with every bit of strength I had in my weak body, I pounded it down on her head, and I didn’t stop.” He smiles. “Until I was covered in her blood.”
He throws his head back as a roar of laughter leaves him. “Oh, that was a good day. I had never felt freer than I did in that moment. I had to obviously get myself cleaned up, which I did. I was able to have a shower which I had never been allowed one before. I was always made to wash in dirty cold water. Apparently, I wasn’t worth the water charges.” He shrugs again.
“Once I was cleaned up, I went in search of someone to help. I found someone and told them what had happened. Of course, leaving out what I had done. I wiped that bat and got rid of it in a river near where we lived. I knew the police wouldn’t take it seriously because of what she was. She was always getting in trouble because of drugs or prostitution. I don’t know what happened or if anyone got arrested. I don’t even think there was a funeral. All I know is I was taken by the police and within a few days, I was in foster care with random people. I went through the foster care system, I was taken from home to home, never had a solid family. The last family couldn’t wait to get rid of me. So when I was eighteen, I moved on with my life, and boy. I couldn’t wait to start my revenge.” The sinister smile is back on his face.
“My life changed from that moment. For the better?” He tilts his head. “Sure. But I always wondered what I did wrong. Why was I never good enough? I was the perfect kid. You never heard a peep out of me. So that brings us here,” he says, bringing his arms out to the side and doing a little spin on the spot.
“How does that bring us here,” I say. “None of that was Jace’s fault. That was hers. That was your mother’s.” James storms toward me, and before I can even react, he smacks the gun over my head.
“Cash.” Rylee screams. “James, please, please.” She begs, not knowing what else to say. The shooting pain seers through my head, I put my hand out toward Rylee as she moves toward me. James must see it from the corner of his eye, as he points the gun behind him at Rylee.
“It was all his fault,” he shouts, spit flying everywhere. “If he wasn’t on this fucking earth, if he didn’t exist, I would have never been compared to him. I would have never gotten the beatings I did just for existing, for not being Jace. He made my life a living hell, so I planned to do the same to him. I stalked him for years. Worked out where he worked out, what school he went to, everything. Me enrolling in that college wasn’t a coincidence. I put myself there, to get close to Jace. Then I fucking started to see what people meant. He welcomed me more than anyone ever has. He helped me on days when I felt like shit and couldn’t get out of bed. He would be at my door, letting himself in, with a coffee and a bagel. I struggled to hate him. I struggled to want revenge, so I put it aside and became friends with him. I wanted to tell him so bad that we were brothers, but something told me not to, and I’m glad I didn’t because Jace showed his true colors the night we met you.” He spins around and looks at Rylee.
“I told Jace that night I wanted to get your number and he said, ‘Let the best man win.’ Once again, he stole what was mine, he put me back in the shadows that made me feel how I felt all those years ago when I was a young boy.” He stalks toward Rylee.
“You were talking to me,” I say as I walk toward James.
He spins on me, pointing the gun at me once again. “You stay the fuck there.” He turns on Rylee again.
“You were mine! I saw you first, before you even fucking bumped into each other, I saw you. You know Jace purposely put himself in your way so he could bump into you. Fucking prick.” He stands directly in front of Rylee. I can see the fear in her eyes as she looks up at him. They both stand sideways, and James still has the gun pointed at me. He uses his other hand to stroke Rylee’s cheek, causing her to wince and close her eyes. My whole body shakes with anger. I don’t give a shit what he went through, all I can think about is putting a bullet through his head and killing him once and for all.
“Six years I waited for you. I was patient, don’t you think.” He narrows his eyes at a sobbing Rylee. “But then you had to fuck him, didn’t you.”
“I’m not fucking yours. I never have been,” Rylee spits. James backhands her across the face.
“James!” I bellow. I run toward Rylee, but before I get to her, James hits me with the gun once again.
“Rylee.” James pauses, staring down at her. “If I can’t have you, then no one can. Starting with him.”
Chapter forty-four
Rylee
Jamesraisesthegunat Cash. Everything happens in slow motion as Cash’s blue eyes fall on me. He smiles at me. Fucking smiles at me.
“Cash.” I weep, my whole body shaking.
“Say goodbye, Rylee,” James deadpans. My world stands in front of me, the man who brought my life back, who made the pain go away, who made me feel again.
