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Just thinking about the man in her life made me sick with jealousy, and knowing that he’d done something terrible to her made me burn with rage.
She picked a spot on the thick grass, and we sat down.
“Here,” she said, reaching into the knapsack she’d put all the fruit in and pulling out an apple.
I took it from her and bit into it, knowing full well that it was only going to enhance the good things I felt around her.
I chewed and swallowed and bit into the apple again.
ChapterSeventeen
Lorraine
These were the facts:
I’d dated a guy who wasn’t at all what he’d seemed. When my parents had died, he’d been by my side through the tough times, and I’d learned to trust him and rely on him… and then he’d sold me. He’d insisted he’d stopped gambling almost until the minute he’d used me to pay down his debts.
Because of it, it was better for me not to get involved with anyone right away. Hell, the way I felt about it, it was better not to get involved with anyone ever again. Oscar had fucked me and my sister over in the biggest way possible, and his actions had, in my mind, negated everything good he’d ever done for us.
A woman had broken Ash’s heart in a way that made him shut down on everyone around him. Philippa had told me that he was only trying to protect himself after he’d been hurt so badly—he didn’t want to trust anyone again. He was reserved, he was careful, and what we’d shared so far was a result of him guarding his heart so damn fiercely that only the physical remained.
It meant that there were no emotions involved. That was what I told myself while we ate fruit next to the stream, talking about things that didn’t matter.
Why, then, when it wasn’t supposed to mean anything, did it mean something to me?
I couldn’t help how I felt when I was around Ash. I couldn’t say that I was madly in love with him, infatuated, head over heels like a lovesick puppy. It wasn’t that cliché, and it wasn’t that shallow. What I felt when I was with him went a lot deeper. I felt like we were connected somehow. When I was with Ash, I felt comfortable and at ease. The worries I had about my sister and what Oscar had done to me drifted away, and I didn’t feel isolated and stuck in an alternate reality.
I felt like I was exactly where I belonged.
Did he feel the same? Or was it one-sided, and he really didn’t care at all?
“Tell me about your family,” I said.
Ash frowned at me. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, tell me about your family,” I said. “Your parents, where you grew up, what it was like… your life is very different from mine. I feel like I always talk about myself.”
Ash was very careful about sharing his life with me. I understood he was guarded, but telling me about his past wouldn’t hurt either of us.
“I don’t have a family the way you do,” he said. “I didn’t grow up with brothers and sisters and parents. The other—” He cleared his throat. “My friends are like my family. Rowan is like a brother to me, and we look out for each other. We have each other’s backs, and we work together for the greater good.”
“That sounds really nice,” I said warmly. “I don’t have a lot of people who are there for me besides Cat, but I don’t need anyone else. I’d always figured as long as we had each other, we could face anything. I’m sorry you grew up orphaned, though. Do you know anything about your parents?”
Ash frowned at me. “No,” he finally said. “But you don’t miss what you don’t know.”
“Hmm,” I said. “You’re lucky.”
Ash looked surprised. “How am I lucky?”
“You don’t miss what you don’t know. I miss my parents so much sometimes, it hurts just to breathe. I would never want it any different—I’d never trade my life and my memories with them for somewhere I didn’t know them at all, but sometimes I wish the pain would go away.”
Ash reached for me and took my hand. His eyes were a deep blue, and he had pain all over his face.
“I’m sorry,” he said. He intertwined our fingers, and the gesture was warm and caring. It was the most emotion he’d ever shown me.
“It’s okay,” I said. “Most of the time, I’m used to it. It’s like an open wound, you know? In time, it grows shut, and the nerves pull away. Even though the scar is still there, and it still throbs and aches sometimes… it’s not as bad as it used to be.”
“If we didn’t feel pain, we wouldn’t have to grow used to it,” Ash said.
