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My favorite place to switch off. Detaching myself mentally and physically. A place where no one can reach me. Drowning them out one by one.
I wish I could stay like this. Just me, all alone with nothing but my messed-up thoughts for company. Swallowed by the silence forever. For all eternity, but that still wouldn’t be long enough.
It’s no secret that my life is a mess. Fucked beyond repair and no matter how hard I try; I can’t find a way out. An escape isn’t in my foreseeable future and right now, I have to be okaywith that. As much as I’d love to scream and shout, I already know that causing a scene won’t get me anywhere fast.
Nausea washes over me in waves, twisting deep in my stomach as I force my eyes open, focusing on the white tiled floor.
“Phoenix…” the voice calls again. Louder and more insistent this time. “We need to talk about this. Discuss what happens next.”
“Unless you’ve come to tell me you’ll leave me alone, then I don’t want to hear your bullshit excuses.” My voice is cold and hoarse. Scratchy and swollen from my silent tears. A punishment. My punishment. One I refuse to put on anyone else but myself.
“Hate to be the bearer of bad news kid, but we both know why I’m here.”
“I told you already. I don’t want to hear it.” Like ever.
“Keeping your feelings bottled deep inside you won’t help. If anything, it will make you worse in the long run.”
I tear my eyes away from the floor and look at the small, plump blonde sitting opposite me. “Good to know. I guess that means I can tick off my therapy for today?” The sarcasm rolls freely from my tongue and I know she doesn’t miss it.
“Phoenix, you know you can’t stay here forever.”
“No shit.” I retort. “But in case you’ve forgotten, you’re the one keeping me here against my will. Like I’m some fucking criminal.”
She flinches at my accusing tone but we both know it’s nothing but the truth. “No one has said you’re the criminal,Phoenix. You’re here because you have to be. At least until we can find an adequate place for you.”
“My home is a good start. Unless you can give me that then I don’t want to go anywhere.”
“It’s not that easy, and you know it.” Snapping her head down, her eyes focus on her smart watch, obviously in a hurry to be anywhere but here. “We need to get you settled. Plans have been made so we need to discuss them… sooner rather than later, and your co-operation would be greatly appreciated.”
“Hey, if you have somewhere else to be, don’t let me keep you.” I’m tired of this pointless conversation. I’m done with the bullshit. I’m over being handled like a delicate fucking package. One which could detonate and explode at any given moment. What I want is answers instead of being palmed off like I don’t fucking matter. I think we can all agree that I never asked for any of this.
“Don’t worry, this shouldn’t take too long.” She tells me confidently. I sigh heavily but it does nothing to deter her. She’s used to my foul mood, and she’s determined to get this meeting over and done with so she can move onto her next child. That way she’ll be able to pack me up and ship me off somewhere else. To God only fucking knows where, but I won’t be her problem anymore.
“Save your breath and keep it to yourself because I’m not interested.”
As usual she acts like I haven’t spoken and continues. “With no one left here to house you, we’ve found the perfect place just outside of town.”
“Nope.” I pop thePto emphasize my point, while shaking my head vigorously. Point blank refusing to listen towhat she has to say. I’ve told this woman my terms many times yet as per fucking usual she’s going against every single one of them. Like my life is some kind of game to her. Obviously, what I want doesn’t matter. “I told you already, it’s not happening.”
“Phoenix, what do you expect us to do?” She tries to plead her case, hoping it will make all the difference. “You don’t have any surviving relatives left here in Braxton.”
Fuck. Just when I thought she couldn’t stab the jagged blade in any deeper. “No shit. I told you as much last week, or did you think I was lying to you? That I decided to make up some kind of sob story so you’d feel bad for me?”
Of course she did. She holds my file. Melanie knows everything there is to know about me. This woman has gone right ahead and put two and two together, coming up with ten. She offers me a small smile but it falls flat. I don’t trust it. I don’t trust her. Melanie has had years of experience when it comes to handing out fake smiles. She’s probably on commission at this rate, so why would I be any different?
Something I have noticed is that Melanie comes across as a pro when it comes to giving a fuck… a lot like everyone else I’ve come across. But the sad truth is, they’re all the same. Only one thing registers in their mind when they meet me…
Like father… like daughter.
That’s probably why I was met with such sickening silence when my world and everything in it was pulled from under my feet. Everything I’d ever known was taken away from me, like it was never mine to begin with. Now here I am, all alone in some run-down hostel while Melanie runs around behind the scenes trying to orchestrate my life. Acting like I’m not capableto make my own decisions. Like I’m the fucking criminal. If anything, I’m the victim in this mess but no one wants to hear it.
I screamed. I shouted at the top of my lungs. I lashed out and shouted some more, but it didn’t matter. No one had any answers for me. Not a single one.
“This is just standard practice, I assure you.”
Lies. Every word she tells me is a big fat fucking lie. “Forgive me when I tell you that your assurances don’t mean shit to me.” I widen my eyes, daring her to argue with me before reaching out and pulling a cigarette from the box on the table. I never break eye contact with her as I bring it to my lips and light it up. Of course, my actions earn me a disapproving glare from morbid Melanie, but I didn’t expect anything less.
“What?” I question. “Do you have a problem, Melanie?” She opens her mouth to answer me but I’m quick to cut her off, “You have my file, right? I’m sure you’ve been through it multiple times this week. Before passing judgement on me and my lifestyle choices, maybe you should try to live just one day in my shoes…”
