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Devil
THIS SHIT FUCKING sucks! I went from living in the house with Genesis, Matie, and Raptor to it only being Genesis, the baby, and myself. Raptor only shows up once he’s showered the day off of him so I can go to bed. I let him know what’s going on with our girl and the baby and he disappears with Matie until I’m locked in my room to go to bed. I get glimpses of my best friend and the man I fell in love with and nothing more. Yes, I get that I’m the reason for the giant gap between us. If only I could get past my fear of telling our family about us, things would go back to the way they were. Okay, not the way they were, but we could start getting back to us and add Genesis into our relationship. Instead, I’m a fucking pussy and can’t open my mouth because I’m hung up on what everyone will think about us being together. Genesis has tried to talk to me about things, but it’s too hard knowing she’s right and that I’m the only one who can fix this. Raptor has the right to feel how he does and I can’t do anything to take that away from him. Especially make him feel any worse than he already does. If I try to downplay his feelings and make him feel as if he’s being stupid or doesn’t matter, I’ll only make shit worse.
While I sleep, Genesis and Raptor hang out with Matie, make dinner, and spend time together without me around. It'swhat they need because if Raptor isn’t with me, I want him to be with someone who will make him happy. I will gladly step aside to ensure Raptor finds love and happiness since I’m continually ripping it away from him. So, let them have their time and even when I can’t sleep, I remain in my bedroom so I’m not in their way. It hurts so much to hear them laughing together and talking even if I can’t hear the words they exchange. Matie has been giggling more and more with every passing day and he’s always doing something new and exploring things he sees around him in the house or outside when it’s nice enough for me to take him out there. Genesis will sit on the porch and watch us play in the yard. We’re falling into an easy routine and I like it. I never thought I would, but knowing what we’re doing every day settles something deep inside me I didn’t know I was missing before.
Genesis didn’t have an infection last week when she had the horrible headache and upset stomach. She had a migraine and a sinus infection. The antibiotics cleared it up for the most part, but the remainder of the illness came back with a vengeance when she finished the medicine. Doc told Raptor and me it happens sometimes when the medicine isn’t exactly the right one. So, he put her on a different one and she started feeling better almost immediately. I hate seeing her sick. Especially when she’s already still hurting from her arm and ribs. She got through it and has been good since. Genesis still has some time left to take the antibiotics and she does because she doesn’t want to get sick again. Other than that, she’s been staying awake longer throughout the day and spending more of her time out of the bedroom and with us in the living room or wherever we are in the house. It’s allowed each of us to get to know her when she chooses to open up about anything personal.
The one thing Genesis is worried about is having her job at Enchantment once she gets released to go back to work. Andwhere she’ll live since we informed her we got rid of the fucking apartment they were living in. I’ve tried to assure her that she still has a job and there’s no rush to move out of the house. Raptor and I decided before we stopped talking that we’re not gonna rush anything between the three of us or one of us with her. Today, Vault’s gonna come up to the house to talk to her about the promotion we discussed. I want him here with us because I don’t always know what to say or how to word things. It’s one of the drawbacks of sticking to myself more often than not. Yes, I know how to interact with others, but in situations like this where the outcome means so much to more than just myself, I need the backup for when I don’t explain things the right way.
“Dylan, where are you?” Genesis calls out, her voice washing over me as it always does.
Yes, I told her to call me Dylan when we’re at the house alone. I feel weird having her call me Devil when we’re not at work or around anyone else from the club. Raptor has also told her to call him Wade when they’re alone. It makes things between us feel more personal and as if we’re building a solid foundation between us. And I don’t know how to explain the way her voice affects me. Genesis is typically soft spoken and her voice has a melodious quality to it that I don’t often hear. The only time I don’t hear this from her is when she’s pissed off or upset about something. Then she has the hardest, coldest voice I’ve ever heard in my life. Growing up around multiple clubs with so many different men and women, that’s saying something because I’ve heard all kinds of voices from each person.
“In the kitchen, Sweetness,” I answer, watching Matie in the high chair we got him. “I’m makin’ lunch. Was tryin’ to let you rest if that’s what you wanted to do.”
Genesis enters the room and I turn to look at her. She’s wearing a pair of her leggings we brought from the apartment and one of Raptor’s shirts. I don’t know where the hell she keeps getting our shirts from, but she’s taken to wearing them over any of her own shirts for the last few weeks that she’s been at the house with us. I’m not gonna bitch because I love seeing her in our clothes. It does something to me that I can’t explain. When I look at her wearing our stuff, something primal sparks to life and I want to rip the item from her body and claim her as mine. I’ve seen the same look in Raptor’s eyes and know he feels the same. One more thing I miss the most about him—knowing every emotion he’s feeling with a simple look at his face. I can still tell what he’s feeling, but Raptor tries to mask everything from me now.
“What are we having for lunch today?” Genesis asks me, walking over to give Matie a kiss on the top of his head as he looks up at her with a large smile on his face.
“Nothin’ too over the top. Just some sandwiches and chips. I have to get with Raptor and see if he wants me to get groceries or if he was plannin’ on doin’ it. We’re out of almost everythin’ and need to restock,” I tell her as a knock sounds on the front door. “I’m gonna get that real quick. Sit here and eat while I find out who’s here.”
I hand Genesis over a plate of food and her bottle of water along with a glass of milk. Once she has her food and drinks, I wipe my hands on the towel next to me and head for the door when another knock sounds. I yank the door open, ready to give whoever’s on the other side a piece of my mind when I come to an immediate stop. Standing next to Vault is my big brother. Caleb is in the military and we hardly get to see him. Hell, none of us hear from him too often when he’s stationed in another country. He prefers to keep his mind firmly on the mission andnot get swept up in shit happening at home when he’s thousands of miles away.
Caleb used to call home as often as possible. When shit would happen within the club, our parents would try to hide it from him, but he always knew stuff was going down. It’s like he had some kind of sixth sense about it. Dad and him had a long talk and they decided it would be best if he only calls us once a week or so. To focus on his mission and ensure he came back home to us in one piece. We all hate it, but I know Mom still sends him packages on a regular basis and Carson and I write to him once a week. Caleb doesn’t always get to write us back, but we’ve all become professionals at sending emails and sharing the details we can without giving too much away.
“Caleb? What are you doin’ here?” I ask, stepping forward and pulling my brother into my arms as he returns the gesture.
For several minutes we just stand together. I can’t honestly tell you how long it’s been since Caleb last came home and I’m surprised he’s not home with our parents and grandparents. Mom will be pissed if she knows he’s here and not home with her. She hovers over him and has to make sure he’s been eating, drinking, and nothing is wrong with him. No, she can’t heal the mental shit for him from the horrible stuff he’s seen and done while overseas. She does her best to make sure Caleb knows we’re all here for him and that he doesn’t have to hide anything from us.
“I’m done, Dylan. Went on my last mission and I’m home for good. I can’t do it anymore. Shit is horrible and it’s startin’ to affect me in ways I don’t like. So, most of my unit didn’t sign up for another tour when this one was over. We’ve all done our time and want to ensure we’re here for our family and those we love. Since Carson and you are here, I stopped home to see the family before making the trip here. You know everyone else willfollow along soon enough,” Caleb informs me as I smile with the knowledge that he won’t be going out again.
“That’s the best fuckin’ news I’ve heard in a long time, Caleb. Do you know what you’re gonna do now that you’re not in the military?” I ask him as Vault looks at me and nods toward the inside of the house.
“You and Caleb stay out here and catch up. I’ll go have that talk with Genesis. Where is she?” Vault asks me, not wanting to keep me from my brother and his surprise trip here.
“She’s in the kitchen eatin’ lunch. Matie is in his high chair. Would you mind takin’ care of him if he’s done eatin’?” I ask him while moving out of the way with Caleb.
“Not at all. You worry about this and I’ll take care of things inside,” Vault says before disappearing in the house and shutting the door behind him.
Caleb and I take seats in the rocking chairs and just look out in front of us for what feels like an eternity. I’m content just to sit with my brother because there have been so many days where we didn’t know where he was, if he was okay, or if we’d ever see him again. That’s the one thing no one can prepare you for when a loved one joins the military. The constant worry and fear about what’s really happening to them and what they aren’t telling you. Of hearing a knock on the door and fear filling you that you’re about to be delivered the worst news ever. I think it was the hardest on our mom, but we all felt that shit deep inside from the second Caleb left home for bootcamp.
“So, Mom and Dad are really worried about you, Dylan. Carson is too. Told me you’re hidin’ somethin’ and that Raptor and you have some kind of divide between the two of you. You’ve been best friends with Wade your entire life. I’ve never seen best friends closer than the two of you. What the fuck is goin’ on,Dylan. And who is Genesis and the baby?” Caleb finally asks me, making me feel like shit even more than I already do.
“Genesis is a waitress at the strip club the club owns. I’m the manager there. A few weeks ago she was attacked while outside on a break. She literally went from bein’ assaulted on the floor when she was deliverin’ drinks to havin’ the shit beat out of her while she was tryin’ to calm down and take a few minutes to herself. The details of why it happened aren’t mine to share, so I’m not goin’ to tell you that. Raptor and I thought she’d be more comfortable here in the house instead of at the clubhouse where people are always comin’ and goin’. She’s still got a while before she’ll be cleared to go back to work so it made sense. One of us are always here with her, helpin’ take care of her son so she doesn’t reinjure herself,” I answer Caleb, turning to look at him knowing I purposely left out anything to do with what’s going on between Raptor and myself.
“Okay. I get you wantin’ to help a woman and her son out. Don’t see what she had to move into the house you and Raptor were gonna share. Not unless you both like her,” Caleb says more to himself than me. “That’s exactly what’s happenin’ here. You both want her and have fucked up along the way. Now you think if you get her in your space and spend enough time with her, you’ll be able to somehow magically fix that shit.”
“Somethin’ like that. It lets us each spend time with her without everyone else around. She’s not bein’ held prisoner here. Morgan and the others come up to see her almost every day. When she stops havin’ the pain in her ribs, we’ll start takin’ her down to the clubhouse so she can get away from the house and be around everyone. Start gettin’ to know the guys better and hang out with the ol’ ladies of the club,” I inform him as I turn to look back out over the field in front of the house again.
“That makes sense. Now, tell me what’s goin’ on with you and Wade. Let’s go for a walk so no one else overhears. I know you’re a private person, Dylan. Like I said, everyone knows somethin’ big is happenin’ between the two of you. Even Mom and Dad. That was one of the first things they told me when I showed up at home. If they know shit is happenin’, you can guarantee no one else has missed it,” Caleb says, standing and stretching his body.
I take in the changes of my older brother. He’s always been tall, standing over six feet. His usually warm and friendly bright blue eyes are harder and colder than I’ve ever seen them before. Caleb’s usually bare skin is now covered in various tattoos I want to inspect closer because I know my brother well enough to know each mark on his skin shares a piece of his story. Caleb has put on more muscles and weight since the last time he was home letting me know he worked out a lot more when he was gone this last time.
“Caleb, I’ve been keepin’ a secret from everyone and I don’t know how to tell anyone what it is. When I open up to everyone, things are gonna change and I’m not sure if I’m ready to deal with those changes. Because I’ve chosen to keep this secret, Wade and I aren’t seeing eye to eye on things. His feelings are valid and I want to do right by him, but I can’t. Not when I’m filled with fear the way I am right now,” I tell my older brother honestly without actually saying what’s going on between Wade and myself.
“You know there’s no secrets in the club, Dylan. If you’ve got somethin’ goin’ on, I can guarantee you at least one other person knows besides Wade. It’s also not hard to guess what secret you’re keepin’ from everyone. I want to hear you say it though. I know I haven’t been around over the last few years, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be here for you and makesure you know you have me to talk to about anythin’ goin’ on in your life,” Caleb says as we walk deeper into the field away from the houses.
Taking a deep breath, I think about what he’s just told me and know he’s right. Regardless of if anyone has said anything, the secret Raptor and I have been keeping is more than likely known by one other person. I couldn’t tell you who that person is, but they’ve been keepin’ our relationship a secret and are simply waiting for us to tell everyone. It’s how things always are in the clubhouse and with any club member. Nothing ever stays secret for long and that’s a lesson I’ve seen time and time again.
