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It hurts my feelings.
I can’t shake this hollow feeling that’s settling over me, leaving me cold. My leg starts to bounce, and I hold myself tighter as I pinch at the skin over my ribs. Kieran isn’t going to be there to help me eat. He’s not going to be there to help me sleep. The SUV speeds away so quickly that the car jerks my body around. I miss him. I shouldn’t, but fuck I miss him already.
I’m too scared to ask what’s happened to Kieran. They might not even know. I don’t want to hear the bad news. If it’s something horrible, I’ll be better off not knowing. My hand drops, my ring catching the light as my palm flattens over my lower stomach. What’s going to happen? I turn my ring around so that theydon’t take it from me, curling my fingers around the stone protectively. I don’t know if I’m ready for what’s coming next.
But first things first. I need to get my hands on a pregnancy test. In secret.
The last time that I felt this nervous to come home, I was being released from rehab. Everything in the house had been silent for weeks after. Meals, hallways… it was like everybody was afraid to talk to me. Everybody was ignoring my condition and thus outright ignoring me entirely. Back then, Maeve had been the only person removed from it all. She was the only person that I treated me like a human being.
Will that still be the case now that she’s married to my brother?
I don’t want to admit that things have changed because of her falling in love with Cristiano, but how could they not?
Walking into the house this time is something surreal. There are so many people everywhere I look. It has become Cristiano’s headquarters since he took over as the head of family when father died. But even with the increased security everywhere, there’s just so many more bodies than I’m used to. They all explode the moment I walk into the room.
People swarm me and it’s instantly overwhelming. Maeve is a welcome embrace, she always is. Lila, my best friend, of courseshe’s welcome. I see Cristiano holding mother in the background as she cries. Everybody else is talking about how happy they are to have me back. It feels less about actually being happy to see me and more about needing to get onto the next step of whatever plan Cristiano is executing. It’s overwhelming. I want to fully embrace them, but I can’t. Something about this just doesn’t feel right. Something’s missing and I have a sinking feeling that I know exactly what it is.
Lila walks me to my old room. I’m glad that she’s the one to do it.
It’s so much easier to breathe properly when it’s just the two of us alone in the room. I sink slowly onto my old bed, letting my hands brush over the downy comforter. It doesn’t feel mine anymore. It’s not the cheap black one that is on Kieran’s bed, the sort that’s only functional and not even comfortable, but I’ve grown so accustomed to it…
“I can get the shower started for you, if you want?” Lila offers.
I must have been dissociating hard because her voice startles me. “Hm? Oh, that would be nice. Thanks.”
“Of course.” Lila smiles softly and disappears into my ensuite bathroom. I hear the shower start. I know that it’s still fully stocked with all of the expensive products that I love and always make me feel luxurious. My hair is dull and my skin is problematic now that I’ve been using Kieran’s stuff but… it’s going to be strange to not see his stupid soap next to mine. Only one toothbrush.
What is the matter with me? I should be thrilled to be home, over the moon.
Lila pauses in the doorway, leaning against the frame with a smile as she dries her hands. “Want me to wash your hair for you? Get a good scalp massage in? I can do your makeup… make you feel more like yourself maybe? Or just…”
“I think I’m pregnant.” I blurt.
It’s not the words that I meant to say -- but they are the ones that come out.
Lila’s eyes go wide as saucers. “That mother fucker,” her face contorts with rage, automatically assuming the worst. “Thatfuckingbastard! I’m going to kill him. Your brother isn’t even going to get the fucking chance. I will rip his balls off and make him choke on them.”
Lila starts to stomp towards the door, ready to rip it off its hinges and proclaim to the world that she thinks that not only was I raped, but that I’m pregnant. Cristiano will flip a lid. I can’t. I grab her arm, pulling with every bit of strength that I have, pulling her back and shaking my head.
“No, no, Lila please, you don’t understand–”
Lila hisses in pain, and I drop my hold. We both look down at her arm at the same time and see the line of blood that my ring has caused on her arm. Fuck. My ring. Lila snatches my hand,flipping it over to see the massive rock that’s injured her and her eyes start to widen for a whole other reason. Her jaw goes slack as she starts to put the pieces together.
“Is that a–?” Lila whispers like she’s afraid the walls have ears. Hell, they might. But I hope not.
I bite my bottom lip, taking her hand again and leading us both to the bed and sitting on its edge. “Yes. No. Well, yes… it is. I don’t know if it means anything… or just… fuck my head is a mess and I don’t…”
“But you and…”
“Kieran.”
“Your brother just keeps calling him that Doyle bastard. I didn’t even know he had a first name.”
I laugh. “It’s a fitting title for him regardless.”
“And you think that you’re…” Lila trails off, her hands dropping to my navel the same time that mine do.
“I don’t know for sure. I’m late… and I’ve never really been late before. I just…”
