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A rush of anxiety cripples me as I think about leaving him behind. I know he has people he loves and people who love him. He’ll be fine. In fact, with Claire, I can only assume he’ll be more than fine. He’ll get to be with her, which is what he wants. I know it.
Like me, he simply refuses to stare reality in the face.
But the truth straightens you out eventually. It always does.
The buzzing of my phone against my night table wakes me up from my disturbed sleep Sunday morning. When I got back home to Chicago last night, after an uneventful flight with Damon, Harvey was already asleep.
So, after taking a shower, I lay awake for most of the night knowing I had to break both of our hearts today.
I breathe in and out, grabbing my phone, reading a text from my dad asking if I thought about his and Gia’s suggestion. I reply to him that I’ll move back home. Then I read his text saying he’s leaving for Seattle for a few weeks and to use my house key to get in.
This is really happening.
The door to my room opens fast and slams against the wall. I leave my dad’s text unanswered, my eyes locking with Harvey’s.
“How could you do this?” His nostrils flare, his eyes shredding part of his inner demon. I was hoping I could gather all the courage I’d need for our conversation, but it seems we’re doing this now.
And the three days apart hasn’t calmed his fury.
You betrayed him.
I did. No matter my reasoning, no matter the messed-up logic behind me falling for Damon, I need to remember that I betrayed Harv. I love him and I hurt him, and I need to take responsibility for that.
“Can I go to the washroom? Then we can talk—”
“You know, Claire warned me about this. She noticed the little things—slightly more makeup, the work outfits, working overtime.”
I close my eyes, placing my head on the pillow. I hear him wheel himself toward me, and I know he’s right next to the bed, near my face, but all I can think about is why she would’ve been telling him these things about me.
“Open yourfucking eyes.”
I do. I do, and I wish I didn’t because he’s harboring so much pain in his own.
If you cared so much about me, why didn’t you show it? Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you shout it out to the whole world if I meant so much to you?
“You told me you noticed.”
“What?” he asks, confusion lacing through his voice.
“Before we broke up, you said you didn’t understand how I could think you wouldn’t notice these changes in me, but you just admitted thatClairenoticed. She noticed—not you. There lies the problem, Harv.”
“What’s your point? Don’t talk like that.Stoplooking at me like that!”
“Like what?” I sit up straight, leaning against the bed.
“Like you’re sorry. Who would’ve known it would be so hard for you to remain loyal to me? The going gets tough and you land yourself onanother dick.”
I shake my head, counting to ten.
The screaming lady has returned. She’s back. She’s always roaming my inner mind when I’m around Harv.
“I’ve been there for you through everything,” I tell him. “There’s no part of me I didn’t give you—you just threw it all away. You rejected me until eventually I caught on and gave you space.”
There’s a crack in his armor. His usual unattainable self, the one he’s perfected over the past few years, is gone.
He’s been crumbling ever since I broke up with him, and while it’s hard to witness, I think we both need to crack so we can flourish outside of each other.
I could stay with him and make him happy, at least happy to the extent of what he believes he deserves, but what about me?
