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It’ll destroy me, destroy us.
More than we’re already ruined.
I’m ruining us more than we already are.
God, what am I doing?
My stomach churns... my hands are sweaty around the steering wheel, and it has nothing to do with the heat weaving through the car.
Who would’ve thought? Me at twenty-four years old, with a boyfriend who dislikes me and refuses to touch me? Who would’ve thought that life would be this complicated?
I park the car in the driveway of my house. I stay immobile for who knows how long, not knowing what’s waiting for me inside. I smell my coat.
It smells like him. I’m so screwed.
I take out a small sample of perfume that I always keep in my purse and spray it around my neck.
You’re the worst girlfriend. The worst. Harveyneedsyou.
I’m trembling, shaking. I don’t even remember the walk inside. I shower quickly to get rid of Damon’s smell despite not wanting to. It comforts me; it gives me hope.
I’m in nothing but a Calvin Klein thong and long T-shirt when I walk to Harvey’s room to see if he’s still up. The door to his room is slightly ajar, he probably forgot to close it completely. Sometimes he does that.
Then I hear it.
Moaning. Screaming.
Dirty, dirty sex.
I halt my steps for a second, my heart hammering against my chest, until I see his laptop next to him. It’s dark in his room, the porn he’s viewing a million times more visible.
He’s watching two girls fuck each other.
In the previous life we shared, I would’ve laughed and offered to watch it together.
But this is now.
It isn’t the porn that kills me, it’s the harsh jerks of his hand over his cock. The grunts coming out of his mouth.
Why can’t you do that with me? Why,why?
I want to interrupt, to yell at him, to take his laptop and curse it with a wand.
I thought he avoided me because he couldn’t get it up.
I’m angry, livid. Still, my eyes stay glued to his erection—I haven’t seen it in such a long time. He always refused to have me in the room when the nurse helped him bathe after the accident.
Oh, Harvey. What are we doing?
How can I be mad? How can I be after the night I spent with Damon? How can I want two men at once? Crave different things from each of them?
The walk to my room burns like a tunnel to hell. Inside, I’m screaming—raging. I’m in purgatory and there’s nothing to do but to replay the story of my sins.
I don’t even check my phone before crawling to bed until it vibrates. It’s Gia again. I text her back.
Gemma:Tired, just got home. Talk to you tomorrow. xox
My heart stops. Drops. Freezes. I suck in a breath when I realize Damon texted me. I exhale, then brace for impact.
