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“Careful, Red. I told you one day I won’t turn away. Flaunt your sweet body in front of me again and I’ll fuck you in the bedroom.”
Oh God. Please do.
He gets up, and I see the thick, hard bulge straining against his jeans. My head hits the leather headrest.
I’m in agony. Maybe this is hell. My body is on fire.
He gives and gives, and he pulls away. But I don’t stop him. Because as soon as he leaves, I can think clearer.
And the answer always goes back to Harvey.
I want Damon, but I won’t allow myself to have him.
I’m home and something is off. Like I’m a stranger in my own space. I feel as if I’ve lost something, an inexplicable sadness weakening my core. As if I’ve told Damon goodbye even though I’ll see him at work on Monday.
The feeling slivers through me, through my veins, my bloodstream, knowing I’m cheating on Harvey.
Because I keep thinking of another man. Another man who brings out something in me, a certain confidence I didn’t even know I possessed.
And then there’s the bike.
Maybe that’s why I’m sad. I’ve been the happiest this weekend, a joy I haven’t felt in the longest time, and now it’s gone. It’s gone and I’m lost. It’s gone and I have to put on my brave smile and be there for Harv.
I don’t know how much more of myself I can give. Until I fall into pieces on the ground, never to rise again.
Relief fills me to the very bone for the fact that Harvey isn’t back from his weekend trip until tomorrow evening. The last thing I needed him to do was witness Damon in the driveway or see the sadness creeping over my face.
The car ride with Damon and his driver was so quiet I could hear my constant swallowing.
I shower quickly, feeling a tad bit better once I have my long gray T-shirt on. I’m makeup-free, Damon-free, and Harvey-free, and it dawns on me to enjoy this. This moment without struggling from one man to another. Without arguing with Damon or Harvey.
Instead, I welcome the peace. I eat pretzels as a late-night snack before heading to bed. I shut it all out.
The men in my life.
The worries.
The bad decisions.
And I focus solely on the thrill of being on a bike again.
That’s how I sleep, with a smile plastered on my face, despite the nagging darkness clutching to my stomach.
The next morning, the repeated buzzing of my cell phone on my night table wakes me up. I just want to sleep. I’m drained from my weekend and I’m positive it’s all due to my emotions.
“Hello . . .”
“Wake up. I’m at your front door!” Gia says loudly as I hear her knock.
I want to tell her to go away. To let me sleep. I want to be moody for once without forcing my smile for Harvey who isn’t here. But I don’t say anything. I hang up and sigh as I put on a bra under my T-shirt and go greet my sister.
“It’s so friggin’ cold out. I can’t wait for summer!” She’s stomping her feet on the rug, a frown hugging the middle part of her eyebrows. Someone woke up in a bad mood. “You didn’t text me when you landed.”
“I fell asleep.” In reality, she’d have insisted I call her and would’ve most likely known something was wrong. Gia knew everything about me, almost everything, save for Harvey’s and my relationship, because no one could understand us.
So I said nothing.
She rolls her eyes but hugs me anyway. “I’m happy you’re back in one piece.” She beams. To satisfy her, I make her pancakes and bacon—something that’s guaranteed to put a smile on her face.
