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“And my happiness? What about my happiness?” He winced but shook his head. Before he could say anything, I continued in a whisper, “What is life without happiness, Deacon?”
“You’d have found happiness without me. You’re young.”
“I’m not too young to know what love is. I loved you, Deacon.” My voice broke. “So much!”
“You still love me.” So arrogant. He wasn’t wrong.
“Maybe I do. But you lost any right you had to me when you told me you needed more than I could give you.”
He nodded. “Agreed. I’m still taking you.”
This time, when he kissed me, Deacon’s touch was rough, desperate, filled with the anger and longing that had built between us over the last year and a half. I pushed against him, angry at myself for responding despite my better judgment and my bruised pride.
“Don’t fight me, Apple,” Deacon whispered between kisses. “I can’t stay away from you any longer. You’re mine. You always have been.”
With that, he wrapped his arms around me and lifted me. I couldn’t stop my legs from going around his waist. I still gripped his shoulders with my hands instead of winding my arms around his neck, but I clung to him as though my life depended on it. Or like I never wanted to let him go.
The heat of the moment swirled around us, a tempest of unresolved feelings and unspoken words. Deacon carried meto the bedroom, setting me down on the bed with a gentleness that belied his earlier aggression. His eyes searched mine, as if looking for an answer. Or perhaps permission?
“I need you to understand something,” he said, his voice rasping with emotion. “When I left, it wasn’t because I didn’t love you. It was because loving you too much could have killed you.”
I stared at him, tears brimming in my eyes, anger mingling with the torrent of love. “You’re so frustrating!”
Deacon lay down on top of me, his heavy weight pressing me into the mattress. “I know.”
“I can’t do this with you.” I looked away from him, pushing at his shoulders. “Let me up.”
“No.”
“You don’t get to say no to me, Deacon. Not about this.” I bared my teeth at him. My lower body rocked against him without my permission. The hard ridge of his cock slid between my legs like it belonged there. I shuddered in pleasure I was afraid to let myself sample because I knew one taste would never be enough. Even now, with just his kisses and the delicious, heady feeling of his body pressed so intimately against mine, I wasn’t sure I could deny myself the pleasure of fucking him. Because that demand was beating at me like hell wouldn’t have it.
“You tell me right now you don’t want my cock buried so deep inside you you’ll never be able to get it out, and I’ll leave you. Tell me you don’t dream about waking up in my arms. Tell me you don’t love me, Apple.”
I opened my mouth to tell him exactly that, but nothing came out. Probably because Deacon’s expression had hardened, a warning about lying to him. Again a wave of frustration slammed into me. “Don’t you dare get on that kick where you demand I not lie to you. How many times did you lie to me sincethat one perfect night we spent together?” The tears did come this time. “I thought you were giving me your property patch. That we’d end up back in our home, making love. I slept in your arms that night, believing that I had a lifetime of nights just like that one ahead of me. Then you just… left!” I shoved at him again. He lifted his body off to ease the pressure but didn’t let me push him all the way off me.
“The only way I’m getting off you right now is if I’m hurting you. I never want to cause you pain unless it’s to give you pleasure, but I’m not going anywhere. Never again.”
My breath hitched as Deacon’s words sank in, the raw need in his voice acting as a balm and a poison all at once. “You can’t just decide for both of us. That’s what got us in this situation to begin with. It’s not fair to either of us.”
“It’s not about fair, Apple. It’s about survival, yours and mine.” His fingers traced the line of my jaw gently, a stark contrast to the intensity burning in his eyes. “Every minute away from you was hell. I knew if I was followed or we were seen together, they’d come after you harder than they were coming after me simply because I love you. Knowing what could happen…” He swallowed hard, looking away momentarily before locking eyes with me again. “I couldn’t live with myself if anything happened to you. I stopped the immediate threat to you when I took out Illivitch. I’ve not met the next guy I’m going after so the danger to you isn’t as bad. Besides, if you’re here in the Grim Road compound, you’re as safe as you could be anywhere. More so.” He kissed me again, taking his time, sweeping his tongue into my mouth with infinite care. It wasn’t until my body softened in his arms and I sighed in contentment that Deacon ended the kiss, nuzzling my cheek. My ear. My neck. “When Lemon called me and told me you’d been shot…” His big body trembled against mine, his breath catching. I felt the truth of it then. He’d been terrified, though Deacon wasn’ta man who feared much. “I felt like my world was coming to an end. The thought that I’d never see you again brought me to my Goddamned knees. I knew there was no way I could not have you in my life.”
“Deacon.” I breathed his name like a prayer. And maybe it was. My most fervent prayer was that he’d come back to me and never leave. “Please don’t promise me something else you can’t or won’t deliver. My heart --” My voice caught as tears trickled from the corner of my eyes down my temples. “I can’t go through this again. It nearly broke me before.”
“I swear to you on my life, Apple.” Deacon shifted his weight to one arm and brought my hand to his chest. “On my Goddamned life. I will never leave you again, and I will always talk to you. From now on, we make decisions together.”
I stared into his hazel eyes, searching for the truth. I wasn’t sure I could find what I needed there, but I could see how much he believed what he was telling me. I suppose it came down to how much I wanted Deacon. Was I willing to risk hurting like that again if it meant I got an honest chance at making Deacon mine? Of me being his?
Decision made, I sighed, sliding my arms around Deacon’s neck. “You hurt me, Deacon. So very badly.” I held his gaze a couple seconds longer. “Don’t do it again.”
He nodded. “Never again. I swear you won’t regret giving me another chance.”
“I better not. It happens again, you’ll have to deal with Lemon.”
“Fully aware. Also the whole of Iron Tzars and likely Grim Road too.”
“Just so long as there are no misunderstandings.”
Deacon threaded his hands through my hair and held me still for his kiss again. I’d only ever kissed one other man besides Deacon and I hadn’t even kissed Deacon for the last year anda half. Not sure it mattered though. I doubted if I’d ever be immune to Deacon’s touch. At least, I never wanted to be. As one of his hands moved along my side to my hip, I relaxed beneath him, letting him touch me at will. I arched up so my breasts rubbed against his chest.
