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“When I was sixteen, well really it started when I was almost sixteen, I met someone. He’d lost his hearing in a car accident when he was thirteen, afterwards he got depressed, angry, rebellious. When we met it seemed like things wouldn’t ever work out, but slowly he came around, saw that not having his hearing didn’t ruin his life. He cleaned himself up, started getting therapy for his anger issues, and we moved from being friends to more…”
“So he was your first love and first?” Tony asks when I pause.
“First love yeah…but we didn’t sleep together.”
“You didn’t?” Sam asks in surprise.
“No, truth—Rafe’s the only one I’ve ever slept with,” I admit, laughing at their shock. Both of their mouths are hanging open and their jaws moving but there are no sounds except for the rain that’s begun on the roof outside.
“Hold on—there is no way—no way that you were a virgin while working here,” Sam finally manages, and I simply smiled at them.
“Surprise? It’s true. I didn’t sleep with Chad. I wasn’t ready for that then, but I was ready to tell him I loved him. He still fought depression and he was apparently diagnosed with HIV six weeks before he died.”
“Oh honey I’m sorry, but that doesn’t mean you killed him,” Sam offers but I shake my head, not wanting any comfort. I don’t deserve it.
“I did actually. I was trying to get him to see that we could have a future despite him not hearing. I told him I loved him that afternoon, and then I got a call from his brother Harrison saying that he’d jumped off the bridge, killing himself.”
“Ame, honey,” Sam says pulling me into her hold wrapping her arms around me. “That wasn’t your fault.”
“He told Harrison he couldn’t do it anymore. I didn’t know about the HIV, but he knew the future I wanted. He jumped because he couldn’t give it to me without risking my life,” I admit as the tears slipped down my cheeks.
“Honey, you didn’t force him to do it. He did it himself instead of fighting.”
I shake my head knowing no matter what they said I had. I’d loved him so much and it had made him take the worst option available to him. I never wanted to feel that way again, but I’d let myself and now I couldn’t begin to worry about what would happen to Rafe if I tried to move forward with him.
“Alright, tell us why then you’re pushing Rafe away? He would never do something like killing himself,” Tony said handing me a napkin to wipe my eyes.
“No, but I can’t risk something happening to him and especially not to Maggie.”
“You’re staying away from them, so they’ll stay safe? From what Ame? They’re going to hurt as much as you are right now,” Sam says, and I lift my shoulders trying to stop from crying because of that.
“At least they’ll be alive.”
“Ame, honey, you didn’t kill Chad. He did it himself. Not because of anything you did to him or because you loved him,” she adds as Tony pulled something out of his pocket.
“What is that?” I ask until he lifted it higher, and I recognized it. “I don’t want it.”
“Yes you do Ame. You want to know what it says, and you want Rafe. You’re never going to be able to be able to move on until you know what it says. You’re never going to admit to Rafe that you love him until you do and without Rafe you’re going to grow into a grumpier woman than even Sam,” Tony says giving Sam a wink.
“He’s right honey. You don’t want to be me. You want what you’ve always wanted, someone to love you who you love too. We can all see that’s Rafe. It’s time for you to see it too and admit it to yourself and the world. Read the letter Ame. If you still feel the same afterwards then it wasn’t meant to be, but at least then you, Rafe, and Maggie will have an answer,” Sam tells me before they leave the booth, leaving me alone to stare at the envelope.
I don’t want to open it. I don’t want to know what he told me, how he tried to make leaving me alone better. It would never matter; it would all be platitudes that meant nothing. Why should I read that and face the pain?
I left it sitting on the table as I sipped at the glass of whiskey. It didn’t actually make me feel any better and I figured that as long as I felt like crap I might as well get it over with quickly. I’d read the letter, pull the Band-Aid off and risk the pain intensifying. I grabbed the envelope and slid my nail under the seal, not bothering to care if I was ripping the envelope or not as I got it open far enough to pull out the piece of paper inside.
The first time through, it flew over my head and the words didn’t make any sense. I had to go back and reread it before any of it sank in.
My beautiful Amelia,
I know this is going to hurt you more than anyone else. I know you’ll never understand why I did it, but I have to stop hurting the people I love. I can’t face you in person to do this soI’m writing it to you instead. I love you too, but I can’t hurt you more than this. I can’t be the guy you want or need me to be.
The mistakes I made before you aren’t letting me move forward any longer and I can’t bring you down to where I am. It’s not fair to you to to even think of trying. You deserve the world and that’s what I want you to find.
I know you Amelia. You would never leave me because of this, which is why I’m leaving you.
I’ve been accepted to a school for the deaf that doesn’t care I’m already eighteen. They’re going to help me finish high school and learn how to live in this world. They’re going to help me become the man you deserve and maybe one day I can come back to you despite the HIV.
I know I should have told you face-to-face about it, but I don’t want to disappoint you. I will be back for you and hopefully you’ll let me back in your life.
