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“Go ahead and tell them all what I’m up to. It doesn’t matter anymore,” I state, holding his gaze no matter how hard it is. If I show him any weakness now he’ll know he’s right, he’ll know how much I want to be with them, but it’s for their own good I’m not.
“Yes it does. Dammit Ame, you always do this. You run out before you have the whole story laid out for all sides to understand. You did it when I asked you to marry me the first time. You did it yesterday with Harrison. So right now you’re going to finish getting this story andthendecide what you’re going to do.”
“Go away Rafe. I told you I’m done.”
“No. I will throw you over my shoulder and carry you out of here if I have to because you are going to listen to me this time. You’redonerunning. There is nowhere else for you to possibly go now. So sit down and read this,” he tells me taking something out of his pocket.
He holds it out for me, but I refuse to take it. I can’t because I don’t want to have any part of me trying to make excuses so I can go back to him. I want him to wrap his arms around me so badly that I can’t breathe. Being this close to him is absolute torture. That’s why I’m moving back here. Because if I’m in the same city I’ll never be able to stay away from him and Maggie.
“Read it, at least see the whole story from the person who lived it with you,” he adds still holding it out towards me. “Dammit Amelia. Take the letter.”
“No,” I reply turning away from him as a new group comes into the club. It’s one I’ve served before, and I know they’ll tip well. I moved past the bar and tell Tony, “Get him out of here.”
“Sure thing Ame,” he says stalling Rafe when he moves to follow me.
Apparently, whatever Tony tells him is enough to get him to leave because when I went back towards the bar he’s gone. It hurts knowing that he gave up so easily but it’s worth it in the end. Knowing that I’ll never be able to hurt him more than I am right now makes it worth it.
The night passes by incredibly slowly and I had to fight the need to know what the letter said.
Why would anyone end their own life? It still doesn’t make sense to me, not even after all this time. I’ve read and heard dozens upon dozens of stories about people who took their own lives and not one of them made it easier to understand.
I need to know for my own peace of mind but reading it will only show me that I’m no good for anyone. There’s something incredibly messed up inside me that pushes people away, makes relationships with me impossible.
The club finally clears, and I change out of the tiny skirt, back into my jeans and kick off my heels as I help clean up. It keeps me busy and stops the urge to go run back into Rafe’s arms, letting him hold me until I know nothing will ever happen to end us. The need for that is almost as much as the need to know what that letter said.
Maybe I should have taken it from Rafe, at least then I wouldn’t have to face him again to get it. I sigh as Sam comes over to me slipping her arm around my waist, guiding me over tothe VIP booth where Tony brings over glasses and the bottle of whiskey.
I let him pour me a glass and down half of it trying to stop myself from feeling anything. I pull my legs up onto the seat with me, wrapping an arm around my knees while I swirl the liquid in the glass.
“Okay, so what happened, Ame? That guy looked crushed,” Sam asks leaning towards me.
“It just didn’t work out. I couldn’t be the person he needed me to be.”
“Really? It seems to me that he was willing to accept you anyway he could get you,” Tony counters. “So what’s really going on girl?”
“I’m horrible at relationships. I ruin all of them,” I admit taking another drink, finishing the glass this time.
“Why? Something happened but not on his side from what it seems, Ame. That guy is in love with you. It’s clear to all of us and we’ve only seen him three times,” Sam states.
“Yeah, that’s what he’s said,” I muse ignoring their surprised faces as I add, “along with asking me to marry him, move in with him, be with him forever.”
“He proposed and you said no?” Tony asks setting the whiskey bottle down as he stares at me.
“It was like a month after we’d started seeing each other; we hadn’t even slept together yet.”
“Wait, hold on a second,” Sam says stopping the discussion. “He asked you to marry him before you started sleeping with him and yourefused?”
“I wasn’t ready. I’m barely twenty-four now and he’s got an eight-year-old daughter.”
“And you love kids,” Sam replies making me shrug.
“She’s needs someone special though—she’s deaf.”
“Could the family be any more perfect for you Ame?” Tony teases and I sigh lifting my glass to drain it again. I don’t want to feel, and the whiskey was certainly helping to numb me.
“No, but I’m not perfect for them or anyone else. I kill relationships and it seems men…” my loose lips let slip and they both stare at me again.
“What on earth is that supposed to mean?” Sam asks taking the glass from me.
