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“What happened to not going anywhere?” he asks, and I know I’m sending out so many mixed signals that it’s not funny,but I can’t help it. I can’t begin to take this step because I can’t deal with a broken heart. Because the truth is, I’m not that strong.
That’s my final truth. All of this is just another persona. I have no clue what I’m doing or who I really am.
All right, that’s not true, I do know who I am but it’s not easy to admit.
The club helped me discover her but working at the club also made me very aware of how many men stray. I’m not strong enough to deal with that happening because the one time that I truly did let someone get close to me, they died, and it was the worst pain I’ve ever felt, and I never want to risk it again.
“Amelia, would you please just tell me what it is? We take one-step forward and you run ten back and I need to know why. Is it me? You’re not sure of my feelings for you?” he asks when I just sit there unable to speak.
“I don’t know alright? I just can’t do this,” I state, not about to delve into any of my past.
“Can’t or won’t?”
“Both maybe?”
“Do you have any idea how maddening you are baby?” he groans half with amusement and the rest annoyance. “Do you know how much I want to pull you over onto my lap and kiss you until you simply give in?”
No, but it’s exactly what I want, I muse though I can’t say that to him. I want him to so badly that it’s all I can think about now. The fear that my heart’s going to break is nothing compared to the feelings coursing through me, feelings that I have to control before I do something I regret.
“Amelia, stop looking at me like that baby,” he whispers, and I don’t know what he’s talking about. How am I looking at him? It apparently doesn’t matter because he pulls me up againsthim and lowers his lips to mine, making time, breathing, and common-sense stop.
His hands slide inside my robe and begin to trace lines up and down my sides getting closer and closer to my chest and I’m lost. I shrug out of the robe and allow myself to be pulled onto his lap, turning until I straddle him, and his hands begin to push my body to experience new sensations.
Before I know it, my tank top is being pushed over my head and for the first time my breasts are exposed to a man’s gaze but for the oddest reason I’m not scared anymore. I’m not embarrassed and as his hands caress my skin, his lips searching for the pulse point on my neck before travelling lower, I give in to everything. All tension leaves my body and I’m pliant in his arms even as mine grip at his shoulders as I try to stop the urge to touch him.
“Amelia, baby,” he whispers against my skin as he pauses. “This isn’t the way it’s supposed to happen. I don’t want you staying with me just because of this.”
“Isn’t it always about the sex?” I ask wanting him to say no so badly that I can’t stop it.
“Not with you Ame. You mean so much to me and you have no idea what it does to me to hear you say that you’re not ready for this to go anywhere but yet you’re here in my arms returning everything I’m giving you.”
“You don’t want to?” I ask hearing the note in his voice that sounds like he doesn’t want this.
“I want to more than I should, but I can’t. Not if it’s the only thing you’re willing to give me Ame. I want it all baby. I want youandyour heart. I get working in a club the way you have you’ve seen all sorts of men do stupid things, but I will never be one of them.”
“Rafe…” I sigh lowering my head to rest against his chest. He holds me running his hands up and down my bare back and Iwonder how I can possibly feel so at ease with him like this and at the same time be so scared to just tell him.
“I’m not going anywhere Ame. If you run, I’m just going to come find you because you not being in my life is not a possibility.”
“Can we please slow down though?” I plead.
“Meaning what?”
“Meaning…the marriage and love talk. It terrifies me Rafe because I know I’m falling for you despite every instinct telling me not to. This isn’t easy for me.”
“I know it isn’t Amelia. That’s why I’m here though, because if we left it up to just you, we’d never go anywhere with this.”
“You don’t get it Rafe. I…have never been with a guy like this,” I finally get out, but I can’t look at him while doing it.
“Like what Ame?”
“This…you and me, together like this is not something I do at all.”
He lifts my chin looking at me intently and his eyes are asking the question his lips aren’t able to form yet. “Are you saying you’re…no. That’s not possible.”
“I’m still a virgin Rafe,” I blurt out with a flush.
“Ah baby, how? Not that I’m upset about it because you being with me like this while knowing that…it means the world to me. You mean the world to me.”
