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Orchid Mantis:Then do it.
Purple Puppy:Consider it done, baby.
I click off the screen and set my phone down on the mattress and roll over to sleep.
The next morning at the farmer’s market is wicked cold. All the leaves changing into reds, oranges, and browns are proof enough that we don’t have many mornings left at the market before we’re done for the season. I head over to Bailey’s stand as soon as I can, mostly because I know we need to talk. It’s not the ideal time or place, but I don’t want to wait until the last minute. He lights up when he sees me, but I struggle to return his enthusiasm. As soon as we’re done unloading, I pull him off to the side and around his truck so we’re not in the direct line of sight of anyone.
“I need to talk to you.” I can’t find the willpower to drop his hands, so I keep holding onto him while he gazes adoringly at me. Ugh. So sweet. So much so I almost don’t think I can go through with this.
“What’s up?” Bailey chirps.
“I need to cancel tonight.”
“Okay.” He shrugs it off and his smile has yet to falter. “Something come up?”
“Yeah, you could say that.” Between deep breaths and reprimanding myself, I manage to get the rest out. “Listen, Bailey, I like you. Ireallylike you. Like I’ve had a crush on you since we met last year, but…”
“But…” And the shine is fading. Oh, my fucking heart.
“There’s this guy I’ve been talking to for a while now and… I think he wants to go all in. And if he does, I want it too.”
Bailey’s eyes turn down as he considers this, but otherwise his expression remains neutral. “You love him?”
“Yeah, I think maybe I do.”
“How about me?”
I can only shrug. “I don’t know. I could see it happening with us too, but this guy… I’ve wanted something with him for a while now. Maybe it works out with me and him, maybe it doesn’t. I’m not going to string you along in the meantime.”
“So, it’s not like… me and my…” He doesn’t bother to finish, but I don’t give him the chance.
I move my hands to cup his face instead, bringing his lips to mine. My heart races in my chest whenever Bailey’s involved, but Cas… I need to know if what I feel with Cas extends to the real world.
When I break our kiss, I keep my face close so I can stare into his eyes while stroking his cheeks. “No, baby. Probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but I’m not going to hurt you that way.”
Bailey grins ever so slightly before I let him go.
I take a few steps away, then turn back with one last question for him. “If I fuck things up with this guy, would you ever give me a second chance?”
“Don’t fuck it up.” And he smiles a Bailey smile this time before turning to continue working.
I walk back to the farm stand, where Jess is already setting up the first display. My stomach sinks so far, it could be below my knees. I want to believe I didn’t just make the biggest mistake of my life by walking away from a guy that I still want so very badly, and only because I want Cas. But what if Cas really is Jess? Are my emotions going to shift immediately? Because I do care about Jess, but I can see myself getting bored quickly and only hurting him in the long run.
“Hey, what are you doing tonight after the market ends?” Jess doesn’t even look away from the jars he’s stacking.
“I’m… I’ll be seeing someone tonight.”
“You’re fucking Bailey, aren’t you?”
“No. Well, I have, but no. It’s not Bailey.”
“Don’t lie to me.” And his voice gets extra prickly.
“I’m not. I… uh, actually, I just told him that we couldn’t go out again. Until I know where I stand. And I should probably say the same to you. I think that guy I met online is going to want more.”
“I want more,” Jess says with extra emphasis.
“I know.” Fuck, this is the worst conversation to have at the start of a shift. “That’s my point exactly. I need to want it, too. And until I meet this other guy and we figure things out, I’m not going to know what I want.”
