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I scooped enough grounds for her to have two cups of coffee and added the water.
While I waited for the pot to fill, I looked through a pile of mail and plucked out a few pieces with my name on them. When I set them back down, they brushed against the little blue duck with the British flag.
I picked up the plastic toy and stared at it, thinking about my conversation with Mira the night before. All three of us, to varying degrees, had fears we were working to overcome. On paper, Zoe’s might have seemed like the smallest, but I still wanted her to trust in what she was feeling for me. What I was feeling for her.
Making her wait until tonight wasn’t a test; it was proof.
Of all the things that scared me, the possibility that what we felt for each other wasn’t real was not one of them.
Mira’s fears might have been those of a child, but in her head, they loomed so large that it was almost impossible for her to see a way past them. Once she did, though, she’d be fine.
And what of mine?
Zoe had made it sound so simple. But it was still years of conditioning, something I’d embedded into my very outlook on life, etching it deep into my subconscious. The fear of mine had been the single line I’d never strayed from, no matter what choices I’d made. Until her, of course. Both of them.
When the coffee was ready, I poured myself a travel mug and tucked my keys into my pocket before packing a gym bag. I was out the door for a workout at the facilities before either Zoe or Mira woke, and that was likely for the best.
The weight room was quiet too, only one other guy from the special teams there that early, and we did our conditioning with headphones on, focused on our own shit. By the time I finished, I was ready for my second shower of the day, but I kept thinking about that bloody duck.
About Mira and how she deserved to have both of us face our fears the way we were asking her to face her own.
About Zoe and how badly I wanted to get this right more than anything I’d ever done. I’d only ever loved her, even if I’d refused to put a name on it for years.
I’d refused to do a lot of things, and I didn’t want to drag that habit forward.
Conditioning was something I knew and knew well. Keeping my body in shape was part of my job, a responsibility that I’d taken on when I signed my contract. And if I expected to keep earning that trust Zoe had given me, then I needed to break old, ingrained habits just as much as I had to create new ones.
That’s how I found myself leaving the facilities still in need of a shower, driving toward a small house that wasn’t a house and then striding up the front steps about thirty minutes before it was supposed to open.
Through the windows, I saw warm yellow light, and I tapped my fingers nervously against my thigh before I pushed open the door. The big farm-style dining table was empty, and fuck, I almost turned and bolted out of the house before someone saw me.
I didn’t, though.
And I wouldn’t.
I strode into Carol’s office, and her head snapped up in surprise, her eyes wide as she studied me over the rim of her glasses.
“Liam,” she said, “I wasn’t expecting you so soon.”
My throat was tight and uncomfortable, denial and excuses crawling up like a reflex. I could say it was about Mira. She’d never know the difference. Instead, I squeezed my eyes shut, sat on that stupid fucking couch, and with my elbows perched on my thighs, I held my clasped hands between my opened legs.
“You said your door was always open, yeah?”
She was wearing the pearls again and had on a different sweater than the day before. Carefully, she pulled her glasses off and set them down on the surface of her desk. “I did.” Then she smiled. “I do have an appointment in about an hour, though.”
My teeth ground tight, and my jaw clenched firmly. It took every shred of discipline to relax my muscles as I stared her down.
When I didn’t speak right away, her lips curled in a faint smile. “How did it go with Zoe last night? You shared a very big thing in here yesterday. That must have triggered some conversation.”
So we’d take it like that. She’d coax me through this, like I was a fucking child. And I didn’t quite feel like acting like one anymore.
I swallowed thickly, holding her gaze. “I was trying to help Mira swim last night,” I said. “She’s afraid of the water. I told her that I used to be afraid of all sorts of things when I was her age, but once I faced them, I realized they weren’t so bad.”
Carol sat back in her chair and studied me curiously. “That’s good advice.”
“I’m a bloody hypocrite, aren’t I?”
Her face stayed even. “Why do you say that?”
