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I briefly feared that herstipulation for forgiveness would be for me to stop seeing her dad.That topped the list of things I wouldnotdo in order towin her back. She could ask me to deliver her the Loch Ness Monsterand I would book my flight to Scotland at the earliest opportunity.She could beg for the Heart Of The Ocean and I would rent a shipand dive crew immediately. But if she asked me to end things withIan, that was a non-starter.
Being with Ian taught me a lotover this last week. From watching the way he treated me I’dlearned that I’m just fine the way I am. It sounds ridiculous tothink that it took the circumstances I went through to see that Iamenough. Sometimes you have to be treated like you’reprecious in order to see you were worth it all along.
It was funny to think that justyesterday I thought I was willing to walk away from Ian if thatmeant I would win Anna’s favor. In such a short time he hadsilenced almost every single inner voice I had that told me Iwasn’t good enough. That I was too overweight, too awkward, tooinexperienced, too …much.
I’d always made myself smaller forother people to be comfortable. I never expressed how I felt incertain situations because I didn’t want to make a fuss. But I wasdone living for other people’s comfort. It was far past time Istarted taking up space for myself and demanding what I needed fora change.
I’d learned that it’s okay to tellpeople what I need or take it for myself when nobody was willing togive it to me. I wanted to be with Ian, and I was going to be withIan. He made me happy and made me feel like I was the smartest,sexiest, most intriguing person in the world. He made me feel safe,cherished, and loved.
I loved Anna, but I wouldn’t lether take what I’d discovered with Ian away from me. And if she wasreally my friend, she wouldn’t want to.
The walk from the front entranceto my dorm was shorter than I realized. The halls were so quiet youcould hear a pin drop. Most of the students were still away onspring break and wouldn’t be back for a few more days.
I came to a stop in front of mydoor and started to dig my key card out of my bag but then stoppedmyself. Maybe it wasn’t the best idea to just barge in. Anna wasmore than likely on the other side of this door and I felt the needto let her give me permission to come in. Even if it was my dormtoo.
I raised my fist to knock on thedoor and paused as I looked over the colorful decorations stuck onthe corkboard mounted there. Memories caught in the form ofpictures filled my vision. Still frames of Anna and I sitting atone of the football games she’d dragged me to. I begrudged the factthat she made me go until we got there and I realized how much funI was having. Another photo was a selfie taken at a screening of afellow student’s work in the art department. Anna loathed the ideaof sitting through the three-hour documentary but she went with meanyway and we ended up having the best time. Even doing things thatthe other didn’t care for, we always ended up having a great timebecause we did it together.
The back of my eyes burned fromunhashed tears as I stared at the artful display that depicted twobest friends in the best years of their lives. It would hurt sofucking much if this was all I had left after this was over. Aheadful of memories and a heart full of hurt were all I would haveto look back on.
I sniffed and straightened myspine.I’m not going to let that happen. I raised my fistwith renewed determination and knocked against the heavy woodendoor.
I stood rooted in that spot forwhat felt like hours as I listened for movement on the other sideof the door. I heard nothing and saw little else as I watched forshadows at my feet.Maybe she isn’t here.I stared up at thepeephole and silently begged for her not only to be home but toanswer my call of desperation.
I released a shuddered breath andraised my fist again, poised to knock once more when the door flungopen. I sucked in harshly and held my breath as Anna appeared onthe other side.
Her blue hair was pulled up in amessy bun with wild tendrils hanging out everywhere. She didn’thave an ounce of makeup on her naturally beautiful face. Hernormally expressive light-brown eyes were puffy and red-rimmed likeshe’d been crying. The thought made my chest hurt. She held a flatexpression on her lips as she stared at me with some indiscernibleemotion flickering across her face.
“What do you want?” Her harshquestion made me flinch. So that answered the question of whethershe was still angry with me. One day to come to terms with mybetrayal was evidently not long enough.
“I—” I choked as if that were thefirst word I’d uttered all day. I cleared my throat beforecontinuing. “I need to talk to you.”
Anna said nothing as she releasedthe side of the door and ventured back into the dark room, notbothering to turn on the light as she did. I stepped inside theroom, shut the door, and flipped the switch, bathing the room inartificial light. Anna walked back toward her bed and flopped downheavily. I noticed then that she only wore a ratty old oversizedshirt with some band’s logo on the front and underwear, her normalsleepwear. It was past noon and I wondered if she’d even left herbed at all today.
My worried expression must havebeen screaming out loud because she looked down at herself and thenat me before shrugging. “I slept in,” she mumbled and then a sourlook crossed her lips. “Actually, I don’t owe you any explanations.I’m not the one that lied.”
I nodded and bit back my need todefend myself. I deserved everything she was going to throw in myface. I walked to my bed adjacent to hers and sat down carefully. Ilooked at her and willed her to meet my eyes, but she kept her gazetrained above my head.
“You’re right, I lied to you,” Iadmitted. Her watery eyes flickered to mine briefly before lookingaway again. She was stubborn but I was willing to grovel. “Youasked me when we were shopping if I was seeing anyone and Iflat-out avoided the question. That’s as good as lying.” Iswallowed thickly.
Anna still said nothing as shestared at the same spot on the wall behind me. I could see moisturegathering in her eyes as she tried to wrangle in her emotions.
“I’m a liar and a backstabber anda shitty friend.” I felt the tears I’d held onto for so long leakdown my cheeks. “I’m a fucking coward because I couldn’t tell youthat I had feelings for your dad, that I was messing around withhim. I couldn’t bring myself to admit that I wanted him more thanI’ve ever wanted anyone in my life.”
My tears clouded my vision and Iquickly wiped them away as Anna finally looked at me. Her tearswere freely falling now but she didn’t swipe them away. The factthat I was the one responsible for those tears sat like a ball oflead in my gut.
I rubbed my palms down myjean-clad thighs as I continued. “I wanted to tell you from themoment it started happening. It all just happened so fast andbefore I knew it we were in a full-blown relationship. You’re mybest friend, Anna. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you, we didn’t meanto sneak around as we did. I didn’t know what to say to you anddidn’t want you to hate me.” I didn’t bother to wipe away my tearsnow. There was no point in hiding how I felt anymore. “I didn’tmean to hurt you like I did, you have to believe me. I didn’t meanto fall for him but it just happened!” I sobbed.
Anna’s face was watery through myown tear-soaked vision. Her nostrils flared and her lips tightenedbut she remained silent as she held herself around her middle.
“I love him, Anna. I love him andI love you and I don’t know what to do. Tell me what I can do! Ican’t lose you. Just please tell me what to do.” Fat tears fellfrom my cheeks as I all but begged at her feet.
Anna released a pent-up breath andmoved then. “Goddammit, Lyns,” she cried before sitting beside me.She pulled me into her arms and I leaned against her. She coiledher arms around my shoulders and placed her chin on top of my headas she held me. I held onto her forearm like she was my lastlifeline to this reality.
We both shook with our sobs as shespoke. “I want to hate you so fucking much,” she admitted and Istarted to pull away from her. I was not above getting on my kneesand begging for forgiveness. But as I pulled away she tightened hergrip on me. “I want to hate you for lying to me and for sneakingaround. At first, I was so fucking mad at you. I wanted to screamin your face and beat the shit out of you guys. I hated that youfelt the need to hide it. Like you couldn’t trust me to realizethat you guys were into each other.”
“Anna, it’s not li—”
“I know,” she silenced my protest.“I understand why you thought you needed to hide. I’m still pissedoff but not at you. It pisses me off that I’m not even mad at youanymore.”
