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“You first,” I tell him, hating this weird awkwardness between us.
We’re good at acting like the other doesn’t exist.
It’s how we’ve coexisted for so long.
Ignorance is bliss, and all that crap.
But this . . . this is painful.
This feels strangely forced. Not the being with Callen part. The part where we’re supposed to act like nothing happened.
“We—”
The waiter interrupts us to read the specials and take our drink orders, but Callen’s eyes never leave mine, locked on me with an almost predatory glint.
When it’s finally just the two of us again, Callen grabs my hand. “Cait... I’m not saying last night shouldn’t have happened. But we should have talked. I should have taken you on a date. I should have done a lot of things before last night happened. Things you deserve.”
“Things we can do now,” I protest, not sure where he’s going with this. “There’s no right order, Callen. It’s whatever’s right for us, not for everyone else.”
“Is there an us?” He shutters his eyes, and every inch of my body goes on high alert.” We didn’t exactly take the time to talk about it.”
“No, we didn’t talk about that last night, but I’m pretty sure I spelled that out for you this morning,” I snap a little more harshly than I probably should have. “What do you want, Callen? Is it me?”
He doesn’t answer right away, and my defenses soar. “If it’s not me, that’s okay. We can go back to acting like we don’t matter to each other. Like last night never happened. I’ve watched you with everyone but me for eight years. I can do it again.” I pull my hand away from his. “But make no mistake, Sinclair. I won’t be here in another year, waiting for you. This is your chance. You don’t get a third.”
Callen reaches across the table, palm up, waiting.
When I don’t place my hand back in his, he reaches under the table and grabs it, holding it in my lap. “Christ, Caitlin. Not all of us answer as fast as you. It takes most of the rest of the world a few minutes to compose a thought. That doesn’t mean I don’twant you. It doesn’t mean I want to act like nothing happened. I’ll never be able to act like that again. I’ve done that once, and that was hard enough.”
“Oh...” I lick my lips and lean back as the waiter delivers my wine and Callen’s soda.
“Are you ready to order?” He looks between Callen and me and waits.
“Could you give us a few minutes?” Callen asks him.
But as the waiter walks away this time, there’s no uncomfortable silence. “I wasn’t sure—” I start, before he cuts me off.
“And that’s my fault, Cait. I know I hurt you before. But I need you to understand something. In college?—”
“God, Callen. Can we not?” I ask, still mortified.
“If we’re doing this thing, we need to do it right,” he tells me with this quiet confidence I find so incredibly sexy. Callen Sinclair is loud most of the time. He jokes and teases. But it’s the quiet moments that I’ve always thought were at the heart of him. “That means clearing a few things up. Like that night.”
I close my eyes. “Like that night.”
“You were eighteen, Caitlin. Barely eighteen. And I had a girlfriend. One I’d been with for four years.”
I cringe at the memory that’s burned into my brain.
The way I snuck into his room . . .
The nerves I felt then and the humiliation I felt when he rejected me.
He squeezes my hand, then slides his under my sundress and rests it on my bare thigh. “And I was twenty-two, about to be drafted.”
“Callen...” I’m not sure what I even want to say.
“It took every ounce of strength I had to turn you down, kitten.” His words are jagged and harsh. “I swear on my life, Cait. I’ve thought about that night a million times since. But Icouldn’t. I’m a lot of things, but I’m not a cheat. And I’m not a shit friend. Not until last night. But fuck... Caitlin. I wasn’t the right man for you then. I was barely a fucking man. I was a kid who was about to get the keys to the fucking kingdom.”
