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“Yes,” Emily said hotly, not sure why this felt like such an argument. “You’ve taught me so much already, Dominic — don’t you realize that? I know so much more about what it takes to succeed as a doctor because of you. And I’m so grateful for it. I don’t know what I would do without your guidance.”
“Well, I can tell you one thing,” Dominic said. “We weren’t doing anything relating to your career at the end of our lunch today. We weren’t talking about ways you could improve as a doctor. I wasn’t giving you any sort of advice. We were just…chatting.”
“Okay,” Emily said. “I don’t know how many ways I can say this to you, or how many times you need to hear it. I understand that what you went through when your mother died was traumatic. I understand that you blame yourself, even though you shouldn’t. But, Dominic, doctorsareallowed to have lives. Doctors are allowed to have friendships, romantic partners, even children.”
Dominic snorted. “Children.”
“You can, you know. If that was something you wanted, you could.”
“That’s not something I can even think about,” Dominic said. “That’s not something that fits into my plan.”
“Okay, fine, so you don’t want children. I’m not going to try to convince you about that. But you have to havesomekind of personal life, Dominic. It isn’t healthy to turn your back on those things, to pour yourself into work the way you do. Eventually, something will break. You won’t be able to handle the pressure anymore.”
“I can handle the work just fine,” Dominic snapped. “What I can’t handle is you coming in here and pestering me for a romantic relationship. I might have been unclear with you atsome point, and I take responsibility for that, but I think by now I’ve made my stance apparent. Are you still confused?”
“I’m not confused.” Emily said tightly. It felt like all her muscles were locking up. She couldn’t believe he was speaking to her like this.
It wasn’t really him. It couldn’t be. This was the version of him she had met when she had first come to the hospital, all those weeks ago. The stern, unforgiving doctor who had called her into this very office and warned her that she might be on the road to being cut from his internship program.
This wasn’t the man she had gotten to know in the time since then. This wasn’t the kind, gentle man who worked hard because he was afraid of loss, who had let his walls down and allowed her to get a look at who he really was. She felt as if that man was lost to her.
A part of him longed for him deeply and wanted to search for him, to try to bring him back.
A part of her knew that was hopeless. Dominic was just too stubborn. If he was sitting here and telling her that she had lost him, the best thing she could do for herself was to believe him — even though it made her feel as if a black hole was opening up inside of her.
She got to her feet.
“Are we done here?” Dominic asked her.
“Yes, I think we are,” Emily said. “It’s just like you said. You’ve made your feelings very clear. You want nothing more to do with me. You blame the time we’ve spent together for the mistake youmade today.” She paused a moment, allowing that to sink in — the mistake had been his, but he was including her in the blame.
If her words affected him, he didn’t allow it to show. He turned his attention back to his paperwork, and Emily knew she had been dismissed.
Well, that was just fine.
She turned and walked out the door, head held high, and didn’t allow her emotions to take over until she had made it out into the hall.
Once there, though, it was a race against the tears that threatened to spill over, and she made it to the on-call room and pulled the door closed behind her just in time to keep her breakdown private. She locked the door quickly, knowing perfectly well that if anyone came by they would assume someone was hooking up in here, and she curled up on one of the cots, pulled a blanket over her head, and allowed the tears to course down her face freely.
She had allowed herself to trust him. She had allowed herself to believe that he really cared for her.
A part of her still believed it. He couldn’t possibly have opened up to her as much as he had if he didn’t care at all, could he?
But then, he couldn’t have pulled away from her like this if she’d really mattered to him. He didn’t care. That was at the only thing she could truly believe. He didn’t think of her the way she thought of him. All those lunches that she’d thought were so significant… maybe he really had been just trying to boost her career. One thing was certain — he hadn’t been trying to recapture the magic of the night they had spent together, the way she had let herself believe he was.
It probably hadn’t even been magical for him. He probably didn’t even think about it anymore.
The idea that he could let go of what was between them — whatever it was, whatever they wanted to call it — made her heart ache. She couldn’t have let it go. She certainly couldn’t have done it as easily as he seemed to.
She knew he had been affected by what had happened today, and it made sense that it would affect him given his past. But even so…
I deserve better than that.
Emily sat up and dried her eyes.
She knew that was true. She did deserve better. She deserved to be with a man who appreciated her, who would try to overcome his own issues if it meant he was better able to be with her. Dominic wasn’t even going to try. And at the end of the day, that made it easier to do what she had to do.
She had to pull away from him.
