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"Alright. Fine." He rubbed his forehead with his fingertips. "She couldn't handle me. She's too sensitive. You can see it all over her face. If I said anything derogatory to her, she'd drop the water works and make it into some huge drama about how I disrespect women and shit."
That reminded me of what the other woman had said. "What did they mean when they said your act doesn't work to push women away?"
"I don't know. I don't spend a lot of time talking to women afterward."
"No. I think I'm figuring this out. You said if you said anything mean to the third woman, she'd cry, which means you felt that you could say mean things to the other two and they wouldn't cry?"
"Wren, stop trying to find something here. It's not that deep."
I sat down next to him at the end of the bed. "Isn't it though? You only get physically close to women who can handle it? Meaning women who can walk away after you disrespect them after sex? During sex?"
"No."
"I think you push women away because you're afraid of getting too close or falling in love."
"Fucking hell." He looked down and shook his head, his hand on the back of his neck.
"After your foster mother betrayed you, and you left, you never went back to your mom, no girlfriends, no women in your life except your sister."
He reached an arm out around my shoulders and twisted. He fell back and pulled me down so I was laying on top of him on the bed. "Don't distract me, Mag. I'm onto something big."
His impatient grunt vibrated through my body, and his jaw tensed.
I propped my torso up on my elbows on his chest to catch his gaze, which was defensive and skeptical. "It's not about sex at all. It's about connection. Deep inside you want to heal that wound with a woman, so you use sex to get close, but you put on a mean act, so it doesn't get too serious. That's not working, by the way, because they said it makes you more attractive."
He cringed. "How about we talk about you and how you're avoiding dealing with the heavy load on your mind because you remembered a traumatic childhood event?"
Ooh, sneaky. "How about no?" I pressed my lips together and tilted my head. "Let's talk about how I'm different because we couldn't connect physically because I was with your brother. You weren't mean to me because you didn't have to push me away to keep yourself safe. While your defenses were down, I got in there. I broke through, and you shared your true self with me. Now you're scared because you don't know if you can trust me because you think all women lie eventually. Tell me I'm wrong."
He reached up and pushed my hair back behind my ears. "You're not entirely wrong," he said softly with a sly grin.
I laughed. "I knew it."
"You're so proud of yourself you solved the mystery." His hand trailed down my back to my butt.
"No. I'm not proud. I'm really angry at the people that let you down and the people who know you best who let you keep doing this."
"My brothers in arms..."
"I'm talking about feminine love here. Is Sylvie the only woman you love?"
"Yes."
"That's sad because you're a beautiful person and you have a lot of love to give and the world is missing out on it because you keep it hidden behind your shield of valor. You're always sacrificing yourself for others. Sometimes you have to be selfish. Be the guy in the Casino Menengo commercials."
"I guarantee you, I do not need to be one of those guys." He chuckled.
"You know what I mean. It's a metaphor for letting good things happen to you. You don't have to be a martyr all the time living in the dark underbelly. Let yourself have some beauty for once."
"I gotta tell ya you're cutting me deep, and it would be that way on any normal day. I get you're trying to speak your truth, but what you don't know is Sylvie's sick, alright? She's battled cancer before and beat it, but tonight she was looking skinny and she didn't tell me but I found out that it's back, and she's gotta fight it again."
"Oh no. I'm so sorry."
"So I get that you're trying to reach me, and believe me, you're getting in there, but I'm raw, and you're rubbing salt in it right now sayin' she's the only woman I ever loved because it's true, and if I lose her I got nothing left."
"Oh my God. I had no idea." I collapsed on top of him, and his hands held me at my waist. "I'm so sorry."
"You didn't know."
