AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Diego slides around his desk and approaches, slowly, like I’m a bird who might take flight if startled.
“I know you intend to graduate and get a job, but what if you didn’t?” Diego says.
“What?”
“Listen, the semester is ending soon. Then you’ll only have three semesters left here, a year and a half. Do youreally intend to simply get your degree and move on?”
“Why wouldn’t I?” I say. It’s not like a major in History of Race, Power and Gender is good for much other than a desk job or teaching.
Diego inches closer, perhaps without even realizing he’s doing it. “Because you can do so much more than that. And that essay—” He jabs a finger at the paper on the floor. “—is the proof. You could keep going, keep researching, keep contributing to the field. You’re brilliant, Avery. You don’t need to end up in some cubicle wasting eight hours on your phone and waiting to clock out each day. You could make a real difference to this field, and I’d be a terrible TA if I didn’t tell you so.”
My anger cools in a gust of surprise. This is what he wanted? He’s mentioned it before, but never with such passion. He reaches for me, taking my hands in his and squeezing.
“Avery, you can do this. You can do so much. You’re way smarter than I ever was. And I know you love this. I know you’re passionate about it. I could help you look at programs and fill out applications. There are places all over the country, all over theworld, and I’m sure several of them would be thrilled to have you.”
My heart sinks. All over the country. All over the world. Is this just a chance for him to send me away? We haven’t even gotten an opportunity to do this for real, and he’s already giving up. If I got accepted to some graduateprogram far away, it would solve all his problems, though, wouldn’t it? I’d be on the other side of the country or something, and he’d have nothing to worry about. Why bother saying “I love you” to someone you physically can’t reach?
I yank my hands away, and confusion closes Diego’s face.
“Is this just a really academic way of dumping me?” I say.
“What? No.”
“Then why are you saying this? Why are you trying to send me away? Is it because of what I said the other night?”
Diego winces. “I’m not sending you away. I’m telling you this because I think you could do more in life than sit behind a desk. I think you should do more. Please, at least consider it.”
My head hears what he’s saying, but my heart screams that it’s a lie, a pretense for getting rid of me. The wound I’ve been ignoring ever since the other night aches, a chasm in my chest. I want to sink to the floor and close myself up around it, but I can’t. Not here.
I need to get out of this office.
“I’ll think about it,” I say, but it rings hollow even in my own ears.
Diego watches me, concern creasing his brow. “Avery, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to implythat—”
“I know,” I cut in. “I know. You’re just doing your job.”
“I’m not merely doing my job. I care about you. I want you to succeed.”
“I know.” Why can’t he see that success is more than a job to me? It’s more than making money or having your name on a paper. What’s the point of those things if you’re a hollow shell? “I’ll think about it. Thanks.”
I head for the door. Diego calls out for me, but he doesn’t stop me when I open the door and slip out into the hallway. He’s said all he wants to say, evidently. I don’t need to hear any more.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Diego
HOW DID I MANAGE to make this worse?
I didn’t reply when Avery said they love me, and it was the wrong thing to do. I did say something to them today, and that seemed like the wrong thing to do as well. What the hell is the right answer here?
I’m more confused than ever by the time Avery leaves my office. Their crumbled, discarded essay lies on the floor, and I pick it up and smooth it out on my desk. I know there’s digital copies, but it seems a shame to throw thoughts and words this brilliant on the ground like trash.
I sit behind my desk with that paper, my conversation with Avery replaying in my head. They seemed so mad, so hurt, and all because I wanted to talk about their academic career. Is it because of what Ididn’tsay the other night?Would they rather I say nothing? They seem to grow restless any time I go quiet. I thought I was doing the right thing by staying in contact instead of hiding from them like I might have in the past.
I groan and cradle my head in my hands. How am I getting this so wrong no matter what I do? Casually dating guys who live five towns over did not prepare me for any of this. Despite their youth, it’s Avery who feels like the experienced, worldly one here.
I’ll think of some way to fix this. Maybe I can explain that I don’t want them to squander their opportunities. That backfired today, but maybe with a little more time, I can get Avery to understand.
