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“I’m glad you came over last night,” I say. “Or maybe it’s more accurate to say that I’m grateful you came over at all. You didn’t have to after how all of this has gone. I didn’t do anything to earn a second chance from you after letting you down.”
“You didn’t let me down,” Sebastian says. “I wanted you to see me dance, but it wasn’t like you promised me you’d be there. It was just a hope.”
“But it hurt you that I didn’t show up.”
Sebastian’s lips twitch. “Maybe. Kind of.”
“Definitely,” I say. “And that’s what I mean. I’ve been doing that to you from the start, disappointing or hurting you in these little ways. You’ve shown me more patience than I deserve through all of that.”
Sebastian shakes his head. “You had a lot to deal with. I didn’t know about your childhood and your brother at first, and once I did, how could I push you? That would have been cruel of me.”
“So instead I was the one who was cruel, giving you vague promises and never making good on any of them.And despite all that, I’ve come so far. If it weren’t for you, I never would have called James. I have my brother back in my life, Sebastian, and that’s because ofyou. Do you understand? I gave you so little, and you gave me my life.”
Sebastian swallows, looking a little unsteady as he meets my eyes. “I barely did anything besides encouraging you.”
“You did more than you know. It isn’t even just James. I came out to my boss last night. I didn’t have time to tell you, but I ran into her and we were talking and … I don’t quite know how it happened, but I told her about you. I couldn’t stop myself. Afterward, I realized it should have been terrifying, but it wasn’t. It still isn’t. I’ve been running from it for so long, but now that it’s happened it feels … kind of ordinary.”
Sebastian smiles and gives my hand a squeeze. “It should feel ordinary. There’s nothing strange about it. You’re a person who met someone. That’s the most normal thing in the world.”
“It hasn’t been. Not for me. Not for my entire life.
“I know I have a long way to go,” I continue, “but for once I genuinely want to do the work. I want to do the things that scare me. I want to have all the things I thought I’d never be allowed to have. I don’t want to hide it, either. It might take time. I might take some baby steps, but I promise you, Sebastian, I’m not hiding anymore. I want this. I want you. I want it to be real. But … but only if you want that too.”
“Real…” Sebastian says.
I’m not sure if it’s a question, but I nod. “I want to date you. Like, really, properly date you. Would you be interested in that? Would you, um, would you be my boyfriend, if I asked you to?”
Sebastian’s eyebrows jerk upward. He stares at me for a moment, his lips moving like he’s tasting the words I rambled out at him.
“Your boyfriend,” he says eventually. “Like, for real? Your real boyfriend?”
“Yes,” I say. “For real.”
Sebastian blinks at me, so still that I wonder if I’ve said something tragically wrong. Then he lunges at me all at once, nearly disturbing the leftovers of our breakfast on their baking pan tray. I catch him on instinct as his mouth lands against mine, but he doesn’t settle. He kisses me over and over, flitting around like an anxious bird, never staying in one spot for long.
Eventually, he sets his hands on my shoulders so he can peer down at me.
“You are ridiculous,” he says, but he’s wearing a grin that displays all his teeth.
“You’re amazing.”
He looks down, bashful, then back up. That’s something we’ll have to work on. I want him to understand how incredible he is instead of looking away any time I mention it. I set a finger under his chin so he can’t turn hisgaze aside when I say this next piece.
“I promise you, Sebastian, I’m going to treat you the way you’ve always deserved to be treated. Things are going to be different — for both of us. Starting today, no one will ever treat you like you’re less than perfect.”
“This goes both ways,” he says. “You can promise me all that, but I’m going to promise you this: Your life is going to be amazing, Luke. All those things you’re scared of, we’ll conquer them together. I want to meet your brother. I want to do all those things you’ve held yourself back from. You don’t need to be afraid of them anymore, because you’ll always have me beside you.”
It’s incredible, impossible, but he’s right. I don’t need to be afraid. In this moment, I’m already not afraid. As I gaze into his eyes, I feel something that fifteen-year-old me never would have thought possible. I feel brave.
I feel proud.
Epilogue
Sebastian
WE HAVE TO PARK in a different part of town and get on the bus to get anywhere near the Seattle Center during Pride weekend. The sweltering city drapes a blanket of heat over us the moment we step off the bus with a dozen other people wearing rainbows. I take Luke’s hand and we fall into the flow of the crowd, letting it lead us toward the sprawling park and complex where Seattle hosts its big Pride celebration every year. We barely need the help; all we need to do is look up to find our way. The Space Needle rises above the noise and clutter of the city below, a massive landmark pointing us in the direction of the festivities.
“This is already insane,” Luke says.
