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“Surprised to see you here,” she says.
“Long day,” I say. “Figured a drink wouldn’t hurt.”
“Amen to that.”
She tips her beer toward me, and I meet hers with mine, our bottles clinking. We both drink, but the moment we set our beers down, Virginia addresses me again.
“The Pride display is going well,” she says. “We’ve gotten nothing but positive comments about it.”
“I’m glad,” I say mildly.
It’s a struggle to keep the tremor out of my voice. The only thing I want to talk about less than the Pride display at school is Sebastian, but thankfully Virginia doesn’t know about him. No one but James knows about him.
I wish I could stop doing this. For all my efforts, I’m still basically doing what I’ve always done, hiding, sneaking, obfuscating. Ensuring no one gets close enough to really know me.
“Your suggestions have been great, you know,” Virginia says. “The committee is really happy. They appreciate all you’ve contributed.”
I shrug. “I’m just trying to pitch in where I can.”
“Well, it hasn’t gone unnoticed.”
I want to flinch, but keep my expression neutral. Going unnoticed has been my entire existence. I certainly don’t want my co-workers taking any particular interest in my contributions to a Pride display. Though I have to admit that a little piece of me is pleased with it. After the eventin the park, I went in to school on Monday with some solid suggestions. I harvested what I could from the displays on the stage and among the vendors in the park, and they translated pretty well to the board and decorations we’ve been putting up in the school. No one has even ripped any down or complained where we could overhear them. Not yet, at least. Maybe they’ll continue not to. The school year is almost over, after all.
“Look, I know I dragged you into this whole Pride thing,” Virginia says, “but it’s been really great. I hope it hasn’t been a burden on you. It’s meant a lot to some of the students. I’m not just saying that. I’ve heard a few things from teachers and stuff. A lot of kids ignore it, or pretend to ignore it, but for a few kids, this stuff really, really matters. And having you help with it has made it a lot more possible.”
“I’m just one guy,” I say. “I couldn’t have helped that much.”
“You came in with fresh ideas. You gave us a lot of your free time after school to help get everything up. There’s only a couple weeks of classes left. We didn’t have a lot of time for this. Plenty of people suggested we simply don’t do it and let the kids go into their summer vacations, but I’m glad I pushed for it, and I’m glad I dragged you and a few other people onto the committee to get it done.”
I shrug again. “It’s really no big deal.”
I try to keep my face neutral, but I stare at my beer the whole time. Virginia’s praise is another arrow in my chest. How can I help with something like that while hiding? How can I help with a Pride display while knowing I’m hurting Sebastian by running from him and refusing his invitations? The longer Virginia praises me, the more I feel like a complete fraud.
She’s still talking about the Pride display and the students and how everything is going so well. I sink into my shoulders, wishing I could disappear and go hide back at home. I don’t deserve any praise. Sebastian is out there in public every day. He choreographed that whole dance for those kids, and that was in between working at both the café and the nightclub. He’s kept my secret, consented to sneaking around for my sake, and despite all that, he’s the only reason I made that phone call to James. He’s the only reason I got my brother back.
It’s worse than cowardly that I couldn’t even give him this one night in return.
He must be at the club. It’s late enough that things have probably ramped up. The thought drives me crazy.
“Hey,” I cut in, “could you excuse me for a second? Bathroom.”
I don’t wait to see Virginia nod before I head to the bathroom, needing once again to escape. It is, thankfully and predictably, empty, and I slouch against the wall so I can check my phone. There’s a message from Sebastian.
Will you be here tonight?he texts.Just so I know whether to warn the manager.
Shit. Shit, shit, shit. Why did I look? Of course he asked. I can hear the hope in his voice even via text.
Sorry, I write.Have too much grading I have to do for school. Can’t make it out tonight.
It’s kind of true. Iwasgrading before I headed to this bar, but it’s clearly a technicality at best. Sure, I should be grading, but if I can be here tonight, I can be at his club. I could be watching him dance, giving him that one tiny thing that would light up his whole face. I could be showing him I do actually care about him.
I exit the bathroom with every intention of leaving the bar and going home to wallow, but when I reach Virginia she furrows her brow at me.
“What’s wrong?” she says. “Are you okay?”
I must look like a mess. I feel like a mess. My heart and head pull me in opposite directions, fear and desire waging a battle that spans my entire body. I want to see Sebastian, I really, really do, but I can’t get over the fear of some hypothetical outing that probably won’t even happen. Damn it, why can’t I let myself have this?
I look at Virginia, mouth opening and closing, but no lie or explanation feels right.
