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Sebastian’s smile is full of barely suppressed laughter this time. I want to kiss it, but resist and let him slip out of my car instead.
Even after he leaves, I don’t put the key in the ignition. I watch in my rearview mirror as he hurries back up the street, watch until he disappears around the corner, presumably to return to the park and his kids and the Pride celebration. He wants me to dip my toe in, but I did thattoday and I almost ran away from it. Surely, if I dipped my toe into something bigger and scarier I’d run away even faster.
Leathers.
I type the name into my phone, looking up the address and hours. Just in case. Just so I don’t forget it. Just on the off chance that for once in my life I don’t run away.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Sebastian
I LEAN CLOSE TO the mirror in the dressing room area, drawing a dark smudge of eyeliner along my bottom lid. It meets the eyeliner along the top to form a dramatic wing that should play even under the club lights. I go back in, fussing with the line, dabbing at it until it’s absolutely perfect, even though most people will be too far away to notice.
“Someone’s getting dressed up tonight,” Caleb says.
He sits beside me at the mirrors in the dressing room, fussing with his hair while we get ready for the long night ahead. I’ll be out there before him, so he technically has plenty of time to get himself ready, but most of us show up early regardless. It’s easier to get ready back here and maybe sneak in a drink or two before we need to perform.
“We have a good crowd tonight,” I say.
“You don’t know that. It’s too early.”
“I feel it,” I say. “There’s something in the air.”
That something might be my own personal excitement. It’s Thursday, the night when Luke might show up. I know I’m silly to expect it, but part of me can’t help it. We’ve texted a little this week, unlike last week. He sent me pictures of the Pride displays he helped put up around his school, and he actually seemed excited about them. Something has changed ever since he took that call with his brother, and for once in my life I’m letting my hopes inflate.
This might be the one time when a guy doesn’t let me down.
I chat with Caleb while I finish getting ready. I put my hair up extra high, smear glitter over my bare chest, make sure my ass is peeking out of my tight shorts. I look damn good tonight, and I’m not going to pretend I don’t.
When the time comes to head out onto the stage and dance, I’m tempted to skip onto the platform. Usually the beginning of the night is a bit dull, but I’m absolutely buzzing. I get to my platform and start moving, falling into the beat even more easily than usual. The club isn’t very busy yet, so I don’t freak out when I don’t find Luke among the sparse crowd. It’s early on a Thursday. I’m out here to get the crowd warmed up for a fun night, that’s all. There is still a lot of time before I need to worry.
He’s going to come, I tell myself. He has to come. I know he’ll come. He’s been talkative this week. He’s let me into his life. Sure, he was kind of freaked out when I recognized him at that Pride event over the weekend, but everything has been going great since then. All he has to do is show up tonight, and this will be the best Pride month of my life.
Please, please show up tonight.
I try to focus on dancing, as I should, but it’s so hard when all I want to do is scope out the crowd and check my phone for messages. What if Luke has messaged me and I’m not answering? What if he’s pacing outside the door, waiting for me to tell him he can get in?
It’s so damn hard not to leap off my platform and rush backstage to check. If he waits too long, will he leave? I told him that I have to dance in shifts and there could be a delay. He didn’t say it was a problem. Why should it be a problem? Surely he’ll come in anyway or wait for me. He won’t run away. I have to believe he won’t run away. Otherwise he’s no different from all those others guys.
Bills flutter onto the platform. I look for the source, but it isn’t Luke. A tall but slender guy with dark hair flings some more cash at me, and I have to force myself to smile and shimmy for him. I turn around to hide my expression, giving him my best twerk, which hopefully tides him over well enough.
It’s not this stranger’s fault. He’s doing exactly what he should be doing. He doesn’t know that I’m up here pining for one man in particular, a guy who’s never even been to a place like this before.
I try to keep my hopes up, but the longer I dance, the more my heart sinks. I’m dancing the first shift of the night, so technically it’s still early, but I know that if Luke arrives, he’ll probably come here near the beginning. He has to teach tomorrow. He wouldn’t want to be in Seattle until one o’clock in the morning. It’s much more likely that he’ll arrive closer to the club’s opening.
Don’t freak out. Do not freak out.I have to repeat the words in my head to keep it from happening. There is no reason to freak out. Even if he doesn’t show up this time, he could show up some other time. There’s a lot of June left, and it’s not like I only dance in June. He could come here any time he likes.
But I’d really, really like it if he came here tonight.
My first shift winds down. I actually dread it when I see Caleb heading toward me from backstage, but I have no choice but to sweep up my tips into a bucket and cede the platform to him. Luke isn’t in the crowd. I check one more time before I leave the dance floor, but he’s definitely not out there. That mop of sandy hair would be even more noticeable from the platform.
He didn’t come.
I try not to let it sting, but my whole chest aches as Idisappear into the dressing room backstage. I set the bucket down, not even bothering to count the bills inside. Normally I’d have a drink, fix my makeup, adjust my costume, count my money, but tonight I slump immediately into a chair and give up.
He isn’t here. After all the progress we’ve made, he didn’t follow through with this one last thing. I really believed he would. I told myself I wasn’t counting on it, but now that the bitter truth is clear, I can’t escape from the fact that I pinned all my hopes on seeing him on that dance floor tonight.
God damn it. Of course he isn’t here. Of course he got scared and ran. I was a fool to ever, ever think he wouldn’t.
