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My mind is in a tumult, so it takes a few second before I say, “My car. It’s down the block.”
“Alright,” Sebastian says.
He falls into step when I start walking. For a delirious moment, I actually consider reaching out and brushing my hand against his, lacing our fingers together. Like some sort of couple.
I turn a corner. My car sits beside a parking meter, out of sight of the event, secluded on a side street that draws little interest. I unlock the doors, and Sebastian and I slide inside like I’m about to drive him back to my house, but I never put the keys in the ignition, instead dropping them in a cup holder and sighing.
“What are you doing here?” Sebastian says.
I should have known he’d cut right to the point. At least we’re not in public anymore. Being safe in my car steadies me enough that I can answer.
“I was curious,” I say.
Sebastian laughs, but it sounds more like surprise than condemnation. “This is so public. I never thought I’d look out at that crowd and see you. I figured you’d be scared that someone would recognize you at such a small event.”
“I am,” I say. “Obviously, I guess.”
“But you still showed up.”
I have to unclench my teeth to speak. “Yeah. I … I spoke to James a few days ago.”
“Your brother?”
Sebastian is leaning toward me, eager for this news.
“Yeah,” I say. “We talked during my lunch break.”
“And?”
“And it was … good. It was really good. I thought he might be angry at me after all this time, but he wasn’t. He was … he was really happy to see me.”
Sebastian sets his hand on my thigh. He nearly pulls it away when my gaze flickers down to that touch, but after a moment of hesitation, his hand settles.
“Of course he was happy to see you,” Sebastian says. “You’re his brother.”
I shake my head. “He could have been angry. He had every right.”
“I think he’d rather have his brother back than hold on to anger.”
I smile because he’s right, because against all odds, James does want me back.
“It seems like maybe he does,” I say. “There’s more work to do there, but … thank you for encouraging me to call him. I don’t think I would have done it without you.”
I do what I thought about before, scooping Sebastian’s hand off my thigh to hold it in mine. Sure, we’re secluded in my car, but technically this is the most public I’ve ever been with anyone. Someone could walk by, someone could see us in my car, but I set the fear aside in favor of the comfort of his touch.
Sebastian smiles, his whole face warming, and squeezes my hand in his.
“I’m glad,” he says. “I really am. No matter what happens, I’m glad that I could help you do that.”
No matter what happens. He means no matter when I run away, no matter when I get too scared of this and balk. He’s already bracing for me to let him down, and I can’t really blame him for that.
“He’s why I came here today,” I say. “After talking to James, I wanted to … I don’t know. I wanted to dosomething. I looked stuff up on my phone and this was what came up. I had no idea you’d be here. I had no clue this was the kids you were volunteering with.”
“That makes sense,” Sebastian says. “It is probably the first and closest Pride event you’d find if you were Googling things.”
“Yeah, I guess. I’m sorry that I didn’t warn you. I had no idea. I just… I don’t know what I’m doing, Sebastian. It feels like it’s all happening so fast, and I’m trying not to mess it up too much.”
“It’s okay,” Sebastian says. “I wasn’t mad or upset to see you. Surprised, yes, but mad, absolutely not. If I knew you were coming, I would have had you meet the kids. You’d love them. They’re great.”
