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“Luke, you were fifteen. You were a kid.”
“So were you.”
Pain flashes across his face, but he tucks it away swiftly. He doesn’t infuse his voice with any false cheer when he says, “Yeah, I was.”
James looks down for a moment. I brace as he gathers himself. Maybe I’ve pushed too much. Maybe this is the moment when he lashes out like I deserve.
When he speaks again, he says, “I don’t blame you, Luke. I’m not mad at you. I never have been. All I’ve wanted all these years is to hear from you. I don’t care about whatever else happened, okay? I don’t care if it took a long time. I just want to talk to my little brother again, hear about his life, hear his voice, see his face.”
My eyes are burning again, my throat closing up around an emotion so big it squeezes out all the air in my body.
“I don’t care what happened when we were teenagers,” James says. “Yeah, we could have had this phone callsooner, but Mom and Dad are the only ones responsible for what happened to me. You understand? They made that choice. And I was okay. I stayed with a friend for a while. I got a job. It worked out. My life is good, Luke. It’s really good. I’m really happy. But none of it compares to getting to hear your voice again.”
That emotion lodged in my throat is clawing up my chest. I grip the phone so tightly I could crush it, the image of my brother going blurry as water threatens to overwhelm my eyes.
The words spill out all on their own.
“James, I’m gay.”
He’s silent. I can’t see him until I blink, and when I do, I find him staring at me with his eyebrows raised.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “I’m so sorry. That’s why I didn’t say anything back then. I was scared. I thought…”
“You thought they’d kick you out, too,” James says. “Oh, Luke. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you and you had to go through that alone. Do they know?”
I shake my head.
“Does anyone know?”
Another shake.
“Luke…”
I gather myself, sucking down a deep breath so I’m hopefully a little less shaky next time I speak.
“There is one person,” I say. “I’m … I’m seeing someone. Kind of. I told him about you, about everything that happened. He convinced me to call you.”
“Then I like him already,” James says.
And he’ssmiling. After all of this, after all this bullshit, he’ssmiling. He’s happy for me. He’s rooting for me, even though I wasn’t there to root for him.
“What is he like?” James says.
“He’s … he’s really incredible,” I say. “He’s a dancer, but he also volunteers to teach kids. And he works at this café that tries to help rescue cats find homes.”
“He sounds great. Is he, um… Have you…”
“I’ve never dated anyone,” I say, guessing at James’s question. “I’ve kept it casual. I’m still a coward. I still don’t want anyone to find out. But when I’m with Sebastian, I … I almost can’t help screaming it out to the whole world.”
James’s smile is soft and knowing. I keep telling him about Sebastian, about how we met and what has happened since. I only spare the most intimate details, but mostly because it feels weird to tell my brother that stuff, not because I’m scared or want to keep anything from him. As soon as the words start flowing, they gush out of me, but rather than feeling strange, it’s as easy as breathing. The tension drops from my shoulders, those big emotions quieting to pure excitement and joy.
When I finish, James tells me about his husband, Derrick. They met in San Francisco at a yoga class. They live together. Have a dog. Are talking about getting a house but aren’t in any real rush. Bit by bit, James fills in thedetails of his life for me, and it’s like adding fresh color to an old painting. I’ve had this vision of him in my head all these years, the vision of him walking out of the door the day he got kicked out, but in the meantime he was building this full, joyous, beautiful life that I knew nothing about.
My time is ticking down, my lunch break slipping through my fingers, but there’s one more thing I’ve always wanted to ask him.
“Do you regret it?” I say. “Have you ever regretted it? Coming out, telling Mom and Dad, all of that?”
“No,” he says immediately. “I won’t lie and tell you it was easy. I could have stayed in the closet longer and had an easier life. But even with the hardships I don’t regret it. I wouldn’t be where I am now — both in San Francisco and with Derrick — if I hadn’t come out when I did. Sure, I wish it had gone better. I wish Mom and Dad didn’t feel the way they did. I wish they could accept me as I am. But I’ve never regretted it for a single second.”
