AllFreeNovel
Share Us
I squeeze his hand in mine. “Yeah, I’ve been learning that these past few weeks.”
His smile flickers toward something giddy, and my heart leaps in my chest, but then Sebastian controls his expression.
“So I’m guessing you never told James, huh?” he says.
“No, I’ve never told anyone. I mean, the guys I’d meet up with knew, of course, but I don’t even remember their names. It was always a one-time thing. Anonymous. Half of them were as scared as I was.”
“I’m sorry you went through that,” Sebastian says.
The sentiment shocks me into silence for a moment. He’s sorry forme? After I’ve been the one playing with his life all this time? He shouldn’t feel a drop of pity for me, no matter my upbringing.
“So, is it just family, or is it also work?” Sebastian says.
“I don’t know. My principal, Virginia, is probably cool. There are other teachers who are out. There are problems once in a while — a parent taking their kid out of a class or something — but, if I’m being honest, I’m pretty sure I could come out at work. I just…”
“Don’t want to,” Sebastian says. “That’s understandable. You’ve been hiding so long, and it feels safer and easier to keep doing it. But, Luke, how much is it hurtingyouto live this way? How much is it already ruining your life? You’re an adult. You have a house, a job that apparently would support you, friends. Can your parents ruin your life more than you’re ruining it at this point?”
“I don’t know,” I say, the words barely above a whisper.
Sebastian wriggles his hand free so he can stroke my cheek, his touch so soft yet so reassuring. What am I willing to do to keep this, keep him? Is losing my familyworth it to get him? I’m not close with my parents, but we aren’t estranged, either. I still go to holidays and get-togethers. Am I willing to risk all that for this man in my bed?
Yes, my heart says immediately,because his love isn’t conditional on you being someone you aren’t.
I swallow that thought down. Far too many dangerous words hidden in that simple sentiment. It’s true, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to admit it. It’s too much to put on Sebastian all at once.
“I want to suggest something,” Sebastian says, “but it’s only a suggestion. I’m not trying to make you do anything you don’t want to do.”
“Okay,” I say, dragging out the word skeptically.
“What if you came out to James?”
I feel my eyebrows try to leap up my forehead. The thought of coming out to my brother has never crossed my mind. Surely it would feel like a slap in the face after I let him get kicked out of the house when he was a kid.
“Hear me out,” Sebastian says. “You two talk. He knows you want to have a relationship with him, and that’s more than anyone else in your family is giving him. You know he’s safe. He’s not going to judge you for being gay when he’s gay himself. So what if you came out to him just to see how it feels, just to experience what it’s like to be out to someone?”
Fear flutters in my chest, but it’s not only fear. There’s excitement there too, a thrill I have no name for. The ideaof coming out to James, of having him accept me, of rebuilding my relationship with him because we have this one important thing in common … it’s like a fantasy. It’s something I’ve never seriously considered. I could have my brother back, but I have to trust him first. Right now, our relationship consists of the occasional social media message or like. All of our conversations have been light and casual. We’ve never talked about what happened when we were teenagers or our parents or James’s sexuality. I don’t know if he’s being nice or if he really wants me back in his life. I couldn’t blame him if he didn’t, but he likely would have pushed me away already if that was the case.
My head is swirling with questions, and I don’t have any solid answers. There’s only one way to know how this will go, one way to know if James can forgive me and let me back into his life.
“I’ll think about it,” I say because that’s all I can commit to in this moment. “I’m still … scared, but I’ll think about it. I promise.”
“You don’t need to promise me anything. I just wanted you to consider the possibility. If you never do it, it doesn’t change anything for me, okay? I … I feel the way I feel, and I understand no matter what choice you make.”
That pause before “I feel the way I feel” was so thick, so heavy that it clogs my throat. I nod instead of replying, then bundle Sebastian in my arms, suddenly needing him closer. His hair brushes my nose. His arms wrap around myback. I breathe him in on every inhale, and suddenly I can’t imagine taking my next breath without him.
Perhaps that’s why I say, “Will you stay? Tonight? Would you stay here? With me?”
Sebastian squeezes me tighter against him, his joy palpable in his touch. “I’d like that a lot, Luke.”
He leans away to peer up at me, and I bend down to kiss him. Because I can do that now. I’ve broken that rule, kicked down that barrier, and it feels fucking incredible.
Would removing those other roadblocks feel just as good? Would this only get better and better with each wall I ripped down? I don’t know, and I’m terrified to find out, but also excited and nervous and scared to death of testing it out by talking to James. There are so many emotions swirling inside me that it’s like chasing after individual snowflakes in a blizzard, but one thing is absolutely clear to me now: I have to try. I have to go for it.
Sebastian is worth it.
Chapter Twenty-One
Sebastian
