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“Luke,” I say, softening my voice, “why can’t we do this for real?”
He tenses under my touch. I charge on before he can run.
“The field trip went fine,” I say. “Obviously this works,wework. So why? Why keep hiding? Why not have what you want when it’s right here for the taking?”
Luke’s throat works. He doesn’t run, doesn’t take his hand off my hip, but he also doesn’t speak for so long that fear wriggles into my chest, banishing some of the warmth Luke left there.
Then he takes a deep breath.
Chapter Twenty
Luke
I SUCK IN AIR like it will bring with it the words I need for this, but when I exhale, nothing comes out. Sebastian lies beside me, hair mussed, body flushed and warm, so unreasonably beautiful. He waits, not pushing or demanding, just as he waited throughout this whole ordeal. He’s respected my boundaries, let me set weird restrictions on everything. All he wants now is an explanation, and it’s the very least I owe him.
That doesn’t make it any easier to summon the words.
I’ve had this conversation in my own head a dozen, a hundred times, but I’ve never said it out loud to someone else. It sounds ridiculous before I even start. Or maybe that’s the fear speaking. I don’twantto tell anyone this. I don’t want to reveal this secret. It’s too old, too ugly, toopainful. It’s something I thought I would always hide inside my heart and never reveal, but I find myself wanting to tell Sebastian, if I can summon the courage to do it.
“Okay,” I finally say. “It’s just…”
I falter, and Sebastian rubs his hand on my chest.
“You don’t have to tell me if it’s too much,” he says. “I’m only trying to understand.”
“No, I can say it. Just give me a moment.”
I stop touching his hip so I can clasp his hand between our chests. It gives me something steady to cling to, something secure. I can’t believe he’s already that safe harbor for me, but that truth is so stark in this moment that I can’t deny it.
“I’m scared,” I say.
Those two simple words open the floodgates. Admitting to that fear out loud unlocks everything that’s lain trapped behind it all these years, and at last I’m ready to tell Sebastian the truth.
“When I was in high school, maybe fifteen, somewhere around there, my brother came out,” I say. “James is a couple years older than me. He was in his senior year. Maybe that’s why he chose that time to do it. I don’t really know.”
Sebastian squeezes my hand. “It didn’t go well?”
I shake my head as much as I can while lying on my side like this. “No, not at all. It, um, it was kind of a disaster. My parents said he was out as soon as hegraduated. He had a few months to figure out his whole life. Can you imagine? Seventeen years old and he had to figure out where to live, how to pay for it, everything. My parents acted like they were being so generous by letting him stay at home until he finished high school.”
“What happened to him?”
“I think a friend’s family took him in, thank God. I don’t know all the details. My parents didn’t want me to know, and I … I was a coward. I didn’t ask. I didn’t try to help him. My own brother, who’d always had my back, and I let him leave like that. I didn’t even say goodbye. I watched him carry his bags to the curb. I saw him get in someone’s car. And that was it.”
“Luke.”
Sebastian shuffles closer, trapping our clasped hands between our chests. He drapes a leg over mine. Even though we’re naked, the contact isn’t sexual. It instantly lowers my heart rate.
“I think he’s in San Francisco now,” I say. “I mean, I know he’s in San Francisco. I tried reaching out eventually. He had every right to tell me to fuck off, but he didn’t, and we talked a little. He has a husband out there, a good job. He actually made a life for himself. I have no idea how he did it. He’s stronger than I’ll ever be. He said he isn’t in contact with our parents or even our extended family. He’s completely cut off. I can’t imagine how hard that was, especially because while he was going through all that, Iwas busy running away. When I saw what happened to him… I couldn’t do it, Sebastian. I wasn’t brave like him. I wasn’t strong like him. I was old enough to know I was having some … feelings, but I didn’t dare do anything about them. I kept my head down, didn’t date, not even in college. I got my degree and secured a teaching job, and that’s when I started…”
“Hooking up with random guys on apps?”
I look down, not able to face Sebastian as I admit it.
“Hey,” he says, his soft voice beckoning my eyes back up to meet his, “dancer, remember? You don’t need to explain to me. I know what that lifestyle is like. There’s nothing inherently wrong with it as long as you aren’t getting hurt.”
“I’m not,” I say. “I mean, I wasn’t. I don’t know. It seemed like the right call at the time. It seemed easier than … doing what James did. I thought I could live that way. I thought I could stay in the closet and maybe hook up with a guy now and then and keep my private life and public life separate forever.”
Sebastian smiles with amusement. “That’s a hard path to walk. It doesn’t usually last too long before something gives.”
