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When she was ready, Lydia walked into the room with the treadmills and climbed onto one. She started a slow jog, letting her thoughts get swallowed up by the sound of her breathing and the thump of her feet as she counted down the miles. One, then two, then three.
What she wanted more than anything was for this run to clear her head. She wanted to shake free her frantic thoughts, but with every step they grew more jumbled. Jack. Luke. Poletti’s. Proposals. It was like cutlery rattling around inside her, knives scraping and forks prodding at the tender thoughts.
She reached five miles and knew it wasn’t enough. Everything was still a mess.
She’d quit the marathon. Jack had taken advantage of her desire to prove herself. Poletti’s was feeling less and less like home. And the idea of never talking to Luke again made her want to be sick. She took a deep breath, focusing on her form, relaxing her shoulders, and settled into her stride for miles six and seven. But what the hell was she really doing here?
Why had she even come back?
She wasn’t a runner.
This was the biggest farce of her life. Lydia slowed, her heart pounding, and grabbed her phone from the cupholder on the treadmill. She texted Erik:I’m taking a personal day.
Everything okay?came his reply.
Yes, she texted back despite wanting to say no.
She’d quit the race. She’d ruined things with Luke by practically throwing his feelings back in his face. Lydia started jogging again, trying to shake his words from her memory.
Mostly, she tried to rid herself of the memory of her own reaction.I thought you understood what we agreed to.
But didsheeven understand? She’d fallen into bed with him over and over again. Part of her had known it was breaking the boundaries they’d set, but a bigger part hadn’t cared. Why not? Because she wanted him? Because things between them were shifting and changing without her realizing? Maybe she’d been ignoring it. Purposely trying to avoid acknowledging that she and Luke had become more than casual bedfellows or training partners. More than friends.
In her head, Jack had been the perfect crush. In reality, he wasn’t who she wanted. She’d been clinging too tightly to a dream, to a fantasy version of her life, and Luke had snuck up on her. He’d crashed into her world, quite literally, but she’d been too attached to this idea of her life to notice that he’d become her person. He was the one helping her chase her dreams. Cheering her on from the sidelines. Listening to her ramble about work. He’d helped make her youth center design a reality. He was constantly going out of his way for her. And though they might not be chasing the same dreams, maybe it was better that way?
But if that was the truth, why had she worked so hard to push him away? She reached mile ten before she had an answer.
You jump into things without thinking them through, Ashley’s voice echoed in her head. Ashley was right, she did jump into things. This marathon. Being Jack’s proposal partner. And look how those things had ended. Maybe she’d been working so hard not to catch feelings for Luke because she was trying not to let this be one of those things she jumped into and ruined. She hadn’t wanted to hurt him. She’d admitted that. Acting like it was never real, like Luke never meant anything to her, was supposed to stop this from happening. But she’d still ruined it and now Luke thought she didn’t care...that she didn’t return his feelings.
Lydia’s chest constricted.
Shedidshare his feelings. She had for a long time. Pretending that things between them were a mistake was supposed to prevent her from losing him. It hadn’t worked out that way. And the truth was, she wanted a future with him in it.
She wanted to see where these feelings might lead if given the chance, because she deserved someone like Luke. She’d just had to get out of her own head and let go of all the expectations she’d set for herself long enough to realize that. She had to figure out a way to tell him, to apologize, to thank him for helping her realize that in order to run toward something, she had to let go of the things holding her back.
Even if that was the old version of herself.
Yesterday, she’d been ready to quit this marathon knowing that no one at Poletti’s was ever going to take her more seriously for running it. But here she was today, almost twelve miles in, sweat dripping down her back. She might have jumped into this marathon without thinking, but remembering all the training hours, the early mornings, the muscle aches, made her think she was doing the right thing now. Sure, the race was for charity, but she’d also changed these past five months, and that wasn’t because she was trying to impress someone at work. So, she would finish what she started, not for Jack or Luke or even the youth center, but to prove to herself that she could do it. Luke had given her the rest of her training plan. She had all the tools she needed to complete this: the stamina, the knowledge, the drive. Luke had made sure of that. Just focus on the next step. The next mile.
Nothing existed beyond that.
She’d finish this twenty-mile makeup run today. Then she’d work on crossing that finish line. And hopefully, somewhere along the way, Luke would forgive her for almost giving up on herself.
Twenty-Four
Luke
The problem with taking time to clear his head was that there was really nothing to distract him from the things he was trying to clear from his head. Or the one thing, the one person, he was trying to rid from his mind.
Lydia.
Should he actually be surprised by that fact? They’d slept together that first night, promising to get each other out of their systems, and though she clearly had, Luke had simply fallen harder.
He knew better; she’d told him not to, but he’d let himself anyway. And that kind of fall was going to take time to recover from. More than just a few days away from the gym at the very least. Did running from the gym and all his other clients the moment he could arrange some vacation time make him a coward? Maybe. But it was a hell of a lot easier than facing that rejection head on. He’d thought he’d be able to handle it with grace, but the truth was, he didn’t think he could stand being in the one place that reminded him so much of her, pretending like nothing happened. That his feelings didn’t matter. Holding it all in would have been enough to make his heart stop. He just needed a few days to get his thoughts in order.
He almost couldn’t believe that things with Lydia had ended the way he’d feared they would—sure, he’d worried about it. But not only had she made it clear that she did not return his feelings, she’d also quit the race. Quit her training. Luke had always worried that it would be his admission that would chase her away, but in the end it had been her own decision, and that felt even worse. It felt like he’d failed her somewhere between that first mile and now. Like he hadn’t made her believe in herself enough, in her skills, in her abilities.
He thought he’d taught her more, that she’d realized she was worth more. That she knew this race wasn’t just about work. Lydia had started something that a lot of people only ever dream of, but she’d tossed everything aside like the last five months had meant nothing, and Luke had been too shocked, too embarrassed to do anything about it.
