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Because these kinds of feelings would ruin this. Ruin them.
“What the hell did you think?” Luke continued. “That we kept stumbling into bed just because we couldn’t control ourselves? That this was only about sex?”
“Yes,” she said before she let herself think too hard about it. That’s what this was supposed to be, how it had started. To get it out of their systems. But had it worked? Her heart thundered in her chest. She didn’t know what she thought. It was all still such a mess in her mind: Jack, Luke, Poletti’s, the race. She was a mess! A mess who had just realized that everything she believed she wanted out of life was a lie. She couldn’t do this right now. She couldn’t think about what this all meant. What months of sleeping with Luke, andonlyLuke, meant. What her frigid reaction to Jack’s kiss meant. What the uneven, desperate beating of her heart meant. “I thought you understood what we agreed to...” Her voice trailed off.
“I know,” he said. “I never should have let myself catch feelings. I knew better. And I can handle that if that’s how you really feel. If you never once thought of wanting something more between us.”
She swallowed hard. Had she? Did she?
“I can walk myself back across that boundary line.” Luke’s voice grew softer. “But I can’t in good conscience let you quit this race without you really considering what you’re giving up.”
Lydia didn’t say anything, his words gnawing at her.
“Don’t run away from this because you’re scared.”
Now what was he talking about? The race or them?
“You’ve conquered this one mile at a time—”
“And I’m sick of focusing on the next mile,” she snapped before his words could pierce any deeper. Besides pulling the proposal and backing out of the race, she hadn’t even begun to figure out what she was supposed to do next. “I don’t want to run.”
“Then as your trainer, I can’t help but be disappointed that you’re giving up on yourself, because I really believed there was some part of you that was doing this for you.”
She looked at him then, meeting his gaze with the same steely determination she’d felt during their very first meeting in this office. “Well, get used to it. I quit.”
Twenty-Three
Lydia
Lydia woke up Tuesday before her alarm, her body still in training mode, still prepared for what would usually be a short run day. She flopped back on her pillow, trying to find sleep again, but the routine was so ingrained in her body, it practically begged her to get out of bed. To stretch and hydrate and meet Luke at the gym.
The fact that there would be no more meetings with Luke, that she’d never turn up to find him waiting for her at the front desk, slammed into her like a pallet of bricks, and she rolled out of bed to stop herself from being crushed by the weight of the thought.
Instead, she puttered around her bedroom, dressing slowly, gathering her work things, but even with taking her time and savoring her coffee, it was still too soon to leave for work. She suspected it was going to take weeks to break out of the habit of getting up this early, and the last thing she wanted to do was spend more time at the office.
Her thoughts drifted to the gym again. She had no reason to go there. No reason to walk through those doors.
Well, maybe, one reason—she still had to clean out her locker. She thought about texting Ashley and asking her to do it, but then she’d have to admit to her sister that she’d quit the race. She didn’t know what Ashley would think and she couldn’t bear another reaction like Luke’s. Disappointment was the kind of thing that sat uncomfortably between her shoulder blades. She didn’t need anything else weighing her down.
But she should at least go back to collect her spare clothes and water bottles and whatever else she’d accumulated these last five months. Lydia grabbed her laptop bag and the rest of her work things and headed out the door. She was at the gym less than twenty minutes later.
When she walked through the door, Dara waved, giving no indication that Luke had told her Lydia was quitting the race. “Morning.”
“Hey.” Lydia swung by the desk. “Is Luke in?” she asked, wanting the answer to be yes and no at the same time.
Dara shook her head. “No, I think he’s taking some vacation or something.” Her brow furrowed. “Didn’t he... He didn’t tell you?”
“Oh, right,” Lydia said. “No, yeah, he did tell me. I just popped by to grab something from my locker.” She tapped the desk in farewell. “Talk to you later.”
She turned away before Dara could see the thoughts spinning through her eyes. Luke on vacation? Maybe it wasn’t connected to their fight, or maybe he’d needed some space afterwards, the same way she wished she could get space from Jack and Poletti’s. But never setting foot in the conference room again wasn’t an option for her, and as much as Luke might try to avoid this place, at some point he’d have to return to his clients.
Well, Lydia could certainly make it easier on him by not being here when he did.
She hurried to her locker, throwing it open. She pulled out numerous reusable water bottles, making room in her workbag to accommodate them. She jammed the water bottle Jack had given her at the bottom, trying not to think about how giddy she’d been when he gave it to her. That felt like a different lifetime entirely. A different Lydia. She pulled out her spare socks and sports bras and shoved them down the sides, her workbag now threatening to burst. As Lydia smoothed her hand along the side of the bag, it caught on a paper. She pulled it out, realizing it was the training plan Luke had given her yesterday—a series of short runs and rest days, except for her missed twenty miles.
Lydia sat down against the bank of lockers. She’d gotten awfully close to the end. What a shame. Her eyes drifted down to her watch. She was still too early for work. And she had no desire to aimlessly wander the city. Her eyes drifted across the gym to the room that housed the treadmills. What she really wanted was a run. Just a couple miles. Luke wasn’t here, so it wasn’t like she had to worry about bumping into him, and she had time to spare.
Decided, Lydia stood, put her bag in her locker, and took her activewear to the bathroom to change.
