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For once, I didn’t know how to respond. How could I pretend a reaction to all she was showing me, so I didn’t. Instead, I clasped her hands tightly within my grasp. “Mom, I will always be grateful and appreciative of everything you’ve done for me, and even if doctors and text books say I can’t feel anything, I know, for a fact, I love you, and…I want you to marry Hunter. I want you to be happy, and I want this for you, more than I’ve ever wanted anything before, so…” I finally allowed myself to smile--“Marry that man, and don’t ever, ever doubt your happiness again.”
She took in my words, and then with a soft smile, she gave my hands a light slap. Before pulling away, she brushed a tear from her cheek. “Well, it’s time to make you some brownies.” She gave me her back as she started gathering the ingredients for it.
While I found myself thinking deeply about my own feelings and emotions, was I being honest to myself? Had I truly sought to destroy Connor Blitz, had done everything just to ruin his life, or had there been another reason?
The devotion from my youth, had it spilled over into my adult years? I couldn’t believe it, had I spent these years waiting for him? For the one who shared the same fucked up mind and emotional depth as I?
Had I fallen in love with him?
The only way I could answer that would be to see him again. Taking the cup of tea from my mom, I decided I would do just that. I needed an answer to the burning question inside me.
It took me two weeks to get the courage to see him, and during that time, he didn’t call me once.
I should have known something was wrong, Connor’s apartment was like entering a mad house, clothes were strewed all over the floor, and the smell of sex in the air was strong. I paused staring at the red bra tossed over the couch.
As I walked through the hallway, I knew what I would see. The noises were a clear indication, and what hit me first was his calling a name in the voice he’d called mine so many times before.
I couldn’t wrap around the turmoil I felt, a part of me spoke, that hadn’t ever been clear. The coward within wanted to run away, the woman in me wanted to hide. The girl in me, the young woman who’d spent her years staring at the back of the head of her bully with intermixed emotions of desire and confused need, demanded I see it.
Reaching the door to his bedroom, I reached out and pushed the door open. For the first time, I noticed the creaking sound, and there he was.
Sex wasn’t what hurt…Hell, cheating didn’t even pain me.
I was made to stone by her appearance, the woman’s skin was as dark as my own. Her body so like my own that I wanted to retch, and yet, what was the nail in the coffin, is as she rode him, he stared into her eyes.
He called. “Toya!”
He’d brought a copy of me. He’d decided to fuck a fake version of me to fill as he tried to run away from the feeling that ran through out my body for him. He was willing to give this fake everything, I was willing to offer him.
His eyes met mine over her shoulder, and the look of surprise was mixed with a bit of shame.
He threw her off him. “Pig! What are you doing here?”
“I knew you were a coward.” My words had him rising from the bed.
“What the fuck did you say?” he angrily demanded.
I tilted my head. “You, are a coward,” I said. He stopped in front of me. I forced myself to meet his stare head on. “Was this it? Was this all the great Connor Blitz could come up with?” I looked at the woman who was currently covering her body. “Fucking my copy?”
“Pig.” He reached out, but I jerked my arm back.
“No,” I said, my tone hard. “I-I finally understand, the reason you ran away from me that day, back in highschool.”
His expression turned shuttered, as he straightened. “I just got bored.”
“No, you got scared. I didn’t flinch once from your cruelty, or your needs, and that day, when I revealed how much I was devoted to you, how much I loved you…” I searched his gaze, he avoided my eyes. “You ran away from it. You ran to Vanessa Kline and dated her and avoided me like the plague.”
“Look, I don’t know where you’re going with this—!” “I will give you what you want.”’
I interrupted him, “You don’t want me, fine. You won’t have to ever see me again, I promise you that. Until the day you stand at death’s door, we will never see each other again.”
“Toya, wait! I—.”
“Don’t touch me!” I nearly screamed, his hand stilled in the air as I stared at him, my eyes wide in shock. Panic surged up, my head hurt. My heart felt like it was physically being crushed, I shook my head at him. “Don’t touch me,” I whispered before I quickly turned, leaving the condo behind.
With shaking hands, I pressed the lobby button, I nearly ran into the elevator. As the door shut, I lowered my head to stare at the ground, but something dropped from my eyes. Following by another tear. Tears?
I lifted a hand, pressed it against my cheek, and felt helpless shock. I didn’t cry, I never cried, and yet, here I stood.
